Another Late Nighter

Whew. What a week. I guess it is officially Friday, which is a good thing.

My son and I went out of town for his ortho appointment. Then we went to lunch at, where else, The Olive Garden. I always get the dressing on the side and use very little. It's my once-a-month joy. I love eating there. And yes, I eat a bread stick or two. Today I had three and had to suffer a bit tonight because of it! I was really full, though--uncomfortably full.

I am a very emotional person. I never hide it, I wear it on my sleeve, and I make no excuses for it. It is who I am. I love deeply, cry at the drop of the hat over emotional stories. Yes, I've cried reading blogs. Yes, I cry when bloggers have great victories. I cry over sad things, too. That's who I am. It's unsettling to some, especially my husband.

So, obviously, I had a very emotional week. I actually took a few Xanax this week to get myself calmed down. I wasn't having panic attacks per se; rather, my mind was racing. Too much to sleep every night. I always have an after effect of feeling just a bit off the next day. So tonight I told hubby I'm letting nature take its course. I'm listening to some of my favorite music on the iPod, just balanced the checkbook, sent some emails, and thought. A lot. Tomorrow I'm not setting the alarm and will wake up when the dogs can stand it no longer and wake me. lol

On the homeschool front, we have finished everything but Math and German. So we shall continue to plug away at those, plus we're doing spelling every day as that is DS's weak spot. DS is a science lover, so we're doing that, too. This frees up some of my day, so I'm really hoping that tomorrow and over the weekend, I can channel my Grandma, Grandmother and Mom to help me clean my house. lol

All three ladies were immaculate with their housekeeping skills. None worked outside the home, and it was their job which they did proudly and well. Me? Well, I'm busy with school, playing around too much online, chasing after two cats and three dogs, picking up after two boys, one a grown man and one growing into a man. I am not them.

All of my grandparents were born in the 1800s. Isn't that weird? I'm 44 years old, and the youngest of two youngests. My dad's Grandpa was in the Civil War. Just weird, the time frame. These women came from a different time period when being a housewife was more, well, respected than it is today. I always wanted to be like all three, but I had a career, then lived life.

I think there's a happy medium. With five animals, there is a lot of hair and extra work. With men that like to and do cook often, there are a lot of dishes. Times have changed. I do know when my son grows up and goes out on his own, I want a year to be like the heroic ladies in my life. Then I want to live in the real world.

So tomorrow, I'm going to channel all three women and clean, clean, clean--after a good, hard workout. I had pain issues today and fatigue. My body is absolutely craving movement, though. So I shall appease that craving by getting in a good step workout and cleaning.

It was a nice day. The spring air was wonderful, the smell of lilacs in the air just brought a smile to my face, and spending the day with my son was priceless.

Wide Awake & Mind Racing

Can't sleep. Go figure.

Was in a complete daze today. Thinking, remembering, getting sad, getting mad, remembering things I did not want to remember, thinking some more. All the fear I've had came back to me with a vengence.

What's really weird about my day? As emotional as I was today, nervous with my own surgery coming up and the news from yesterday, I'm highly emotional, I did not even *think* of food. While I don't overeat due to stress, in the very recent past and all along I have *thought* about it--I mean it might casually cross my mind. Memories of drive-thrus pop into my head, or packages of cookies. Today it wasn't even a problem.

The only thing I really wanted today was a good workout. I was slated for a strength workout, but I felt the need to move, so I did a cardio.

I've been in and out of bed several times. I was hungry, checked my Calorie King to see what my calories were--and I was 250 short for the day. Amazing. So I had a 260-calorie snack. lol Over by 10 for the day.

Openly admitting my deepest, darkest secret yesterday here was very emotional. Few people in my life know my story, the relationship with my sister, about her alcoholism and the fact she attacked me. It was very cathartic and very scary at the same time. There is so much in me--it is quite a detailed story, yet I feel comfortable with the amount I have shared. It was enough.

I think right now I am going through a tremendous growth opportunity. I am being forced to face things I have not wanted to face. I'm scared about my own health, yet there's nothing I can do except wait and show up and cross my fingers and pray. I'm scared for her health. She has hypertension, she's diabetic, she drinks a 12-pack of beer a day, she has mental issues, and now ovarian cancer. She's got a tough road ahead of her, one filled with much sickness and pain. I hope and pray she makes her way through all that.

I did not sleep much last night, either. My mind was just racing. After that, and today's contemplation, I have decided to not make contact. I will continue to pray for her. It's not a matter of forgiving and moving on. She's got issues, she's an alcoholic and while I'm no psychiatrist, I believe she has some pretty strong mental issues as well. There is nothing I can do for her, as there is no pleasing her. My other sister is feeling the same way--just dumbfounded on what action to take.

It affects my health too much. I've got enough going on without taking on her drama. My husband concurs. After I came to this conclusion, I started feeling guilt. I must not care. After thinking about that for awhile, I knew differently. If I didn't care, I wouldn't have been up all night and living in tunnel vision today. I absolutely care. But I care about me and my husband and son, too.

As I say, it's not a matter of forgiveness--I realize the things that she's done are rooted in alcoholism and mental health issues. It is what it is, it's water under the bridge. I'm going to stay on that bridge and not let the water splash on me anymore, though.

My mind races. I think of her health then mine. Now my chances of ovarian cancer have shot up further because my mother had breast cancer as well. I have a doctor who is not aggressive and wants to take the least aggressive route on things. I'm more aggressive by nature, yet I don't want to do something so serious if it isn't necessary. And then there's the really big question: Could I have ovarian cancer? Well, I've seen the ultrasounds. They all concurred it was an ovarian cyst. I do not have ascites. I did notice my sister had this two years ago. I thought it was due to alcoholism. I do not have the symptoms. Yes, I finally Googled the symptoms. The only symptom I do have is the pain.

If I was afraid before, and I most definitely was, my fear has skyrocketed.

This whole post is disjointed. That's how my day has been. My thinking has not been straight at all. That's how I am right now--disjointed.

Absolutely Numb

I have three siblings. I am on speaking terms with one. That one called me tonight to inform me that the other sister has stage 3 ovarian cancer, and just had surgery two weeks ago. Apparently "the other sister" also has an ileoscopy bag, and that surgery was performed six months ago. The other sister is also on oxygen.

I cannot contact "the other sister" because that would get speaking sister in trouble. "The other sister" attacked me and as soon as all was said and done with the estate, I had very little contact and then she just quit emailing altogether. I was not sorry about that.

I feel very numb. I am too afraid to Google stage 3 ovarian cancer, but it doesn't sound good.

The bottom line is that I love the other sister, but I cannot be around her. She put me in harm's way, she was violent, she attacked me in front of my son, she was a severe alcoholic and put my son in harm's way. I could write a book about all that happened. I've always been very hesitant about sharing this, but this is the cause of my anxiety disorder. And as a blogging friend mentioned, I probably have post traumatic stress disorder due to it. It was that bad.

So while I want to reach out, I don't dare--because speaking sister would get in trouble. Speaking sister does not know what to do because she, too, has been attacked by the other sister and has very little contact. Violence is not acceptable and neither of us want to open ourselves up to it. Same with the emotional and verbal abuse.

But then again, as I said, deep down I do love the other sister--I just cannot be around her and need to protect my son from her. And me. I'm at a loss as to what to do--because there's really nothing I can do.

Except...pray. As much as this person hurt me and my family, I don't wish her harm and would never wish this upon her. My heart does ache for her.

So I'm sending out a prayer request for "the other sister." She needs to be lifted up.

I also have a request. If there's anyone out there that can give me a generic "this is what this means" so I don't have to research, I would appreciate it. With me facing my own ovary issues, needless to say, I am scared shitless. I see my surgeon on the 26th and the first thing coming out of my mouth is my sister has stage 3 ovarian cancer. I am wondering if that should change his course of treatment for me.

Life is short. Be kind. Live it to the fullest. Do no harm.

Monday Morning Weigh-In

Well, I stayed the same. No gain, no loss.
~~~

I had a hot flash last night. I got out of bed, stuck my head in the freezer, and then applied an ice pack to my forehead. It felt so much better. I also pulled the only book on menopause I own off the bookshelf: The Wisdom of Menopause by Christiane Northrup. I read for a bit, then I did some reading online.

What I've learned and none of my doctors have ever mentioned is that during periomenopause, anxiety and panic attacks are common. They have given me the evil eye when I've mentioned the majority of my panic attacks occur right before or during a period. I'm not looking to them for validation anymore. I know my body.

I have also developed a reaction, of sorts, to caffeine. Some of my worst panic attacks occurred after consuming caffeine. While DH was in Germany, we had a Subway. I got a large Diet Pepsi. Almost immediately after drinking it, my heart rate shot up,I felt a panic attack coming on, I felt like sideways and going to fall over. I actually put my heart rate monitor on during that and my heart rate was high 80s to low 90s for a few hours. That was when I completely gave up caffeine.

Or so I thought. I switched from half-caf coffee to decaf. Little did I know that decaf does have caffeine. I use Folgers and for a shot of dark and heavy, I use a scoop of Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts decaf. One scoop. Well, those two brand are high in caffeine for decaf coffee. I will be switching to Folgers Instant Decaf (cough, cough, sputter) until I can get off coffee altogether. I really enjoy coffee, which sucks. Never liked any tea I have ever tried. The instant decaf is 99.7% caffeine free--which means it still has some caffeine, but much less than I'm used to.

Yesterday morning there was a pot of half caf. Instead of DH pouring his coffee in a thermos as he's kind enough to do for me, I poured myself a cup. I had a reaction. I felt as if I was going to fall out of the shower. Dizzy, light-headed, nasty headache, and what I always though of as a full-blown panic attack. I took a Xanax and laid down and slept. That feeling was with me all day. Ate, drank tons and tons to flush my system, but it didn't go away.

So what I've learned is caffeine is bad, bad, bad for me. No more Starbucks, which makes me want to cry. Yet, I'd much prefer to never have a reaction like that. I'll just have to find something else to drink that is caffeine free and warm. Warm water, anyone? lol

And so it goes.

And on a final note, I have one more revelation this weekend. After reading a bit about menopause, periomenopause, etc., I can't help but wonder if my slow weight loss is a direct result of my ever-changing hormones. I've always known to my core that my hormones were completely out of whack--now I'm wondering if that hasn't affected the weight loss. Really, I hardly ever cheat, I weigh everything that goes in my mouth, I work out when my body says it's okay--scientifically I should be losing at a better rate. This past week I dropped caloric intake on the days I did not work out. Still a zero. No cheating. So it's really something for me to consider. Again, I won't be asking my doctors that question as I know they'll roll their eyes and give me the evil eye again. I don't need their validation on that, though.

It kind of changed my perspective. I have faced adversity on this journey. While I don't mind moaning and whining about it, I don't like admitting the very fact that this has been a struggle health wise. And the most amazing thing of all is I have not let it stop me. I keep going. I am pretty FFT. And if you don't know what FFT is, think back to the move Terms of Endearment, it was a phrase Shirley MacClaine used when she was describing her new relationship.

Drained

I am feeling drained again.

I just spent all morning on the phone with the doctor's office, then the insurance, then the doctor's office again, and the insurance company--again.

It wasn't really all morning, but a good hour or so--it felt like all morning.

That, to me, is draining.

Surgery is set, pre-op appointments have been made--two of them. I have to drive 50 miles to sign forms early one morning--ugh. Everything is approved with insurance.

UGH...drain. My shoulders just dropped and I just felt a huge release when I hung up on the final call. That kind of thing stresses me.

So what does one do to prepare themselves for surgery? Nothing, really, I guess. I already watch what I eat, I exercise when I can. For some strange reason, I have a big desire to work hard on cardio.

Mental prep--now that's a biggie. Relaxation, stretching videos, anything calming will be good.

Today is supposed to be a rest day, yet I have all this nervous energy inside of me--I feel like bursting. Exercise is the best way to release that--for me. I may just end up doing a fun cardio just for the release. Or not. Who knows. We're doing school right now, so I think I'll just sit in a stupor and come back to reality when DS needs me. lol

I do have great hope that we can eradicate this pain for good. Hope is a great thing.

Calm...

I'm finally calm now. I had an emotional day. Hubby took the afternoon off, which means he's home before noon, and it messes our school up when he's here. The doctor's office called early this morning and moved my appointment up a few hours. Ugh.

So, at lunch time I put in my workout and did that, which helped tremendously. Got my mind of myself, and, well, onto myself just in a better way--an in the moment kind of thing. Pumped some iron, and I'm feeling it tonight! For what it's worth, I bought Cathe's STS program. It's not that I didn't like P90X, it's just that I couldn't do the same workouts for 12 weeks. Cathe's program is more expensive, but it's a different disk each time. I love Cathe, and it's just a better fit. I think it's very similar to P90X--you work hard, darned hard. I lifted heavier today than I ever have--did it well--and am feeling it! With Cathe, I can do my own cardio--and that's what makes me happy. I do think I'll do the P90X stretch tape tomorrow or Saturday, though. My son will work his way up to P90X. He's doing Power 90 now and doing great.

So when I was done I ate a quick lunch, showered and we went to the appointment. Nothing left to try except exploratory surgery. Gulp. He wants to do it in the hospital rather than the same-day surgery place for a few reasons. He says we're still in the diagnostic stage, as he doesn't know what the problem is. He'll dig around and find out. Depending on what it is, he can take care of it that day, such as scar tissue. If it is more extensive, such as endometriosis or if I need a hysterectomy, he'll close me up an we'll start again at another time. UGH.

So I may or may not spend the night. Who knows what is going to happen. I was a basket case all afternoon and into the evening, but about an hour ago I just accepted that it is what it is, it's God's design, and a peace came over me that was very welcomed.

I just want the pain to go away so I can work out and live my life. lol Funny how our priorities change--it bothers me most that there are times I cannot work out. Seriously. So what that there have been times when I was coming up from the basement and had to stop on the stairs because a knee raise about doubled me over. I just want to work out! Kidding--I just want good health.

So now I wait for the nurse to call me back tomorrow to confirm the early May date, then I have to call the insurance company and get the approval, blah, blah, blah.

The funny thing? She originally wanted to set the date for the anniversary of my father's death. I told her that just wouldn't work for me. lol

Subway for dinner, which was nice that I didn't have to cook. Now back to the real world so I can get some things done!

On Thursday, I Will See...

my doctor.

I'm nervous. I'm scared. I don't have the best gut feeling about this. Hubby, if he remembers, will come with me.

I do have fears associated with surgery. I don't do anesthesia well. I fear bad things happening. lol I fear that he won't find what the problem is.

Mostly, though, I fear him cutting muscles and me being out of exercise for six weeks. What on earth will I do? It's my anti-depressant. It's my feel-good pill. If he okays me to walk, that would be good except I don't really enjoy leaving the house to walk due to homeschool obligations, yada. And I know a lot of people love Leslie, and I've certainly tried, but, well, I don't.

Isn't funny how our fears change? Dreading not working out for six weeks.

I just hope that this has a good outcome. I'm tired of the pain. I just want to live. I'm not a super human that overcomes great diversity. No, I'm a whiner. Bah.

I think I'm over the phase where I just wanted everything removed and to be done with it all. I do know he wanted to give me a tubal on the other side and I'm going to fight that and refuse. The least done, the least chance for scar tissue--which may be the issue now.

So I'm a nervous Nellie tonight. On the other hand, I just want it over with and done and to know what's going to happen.

Ugh.

Now I'm going to go take a long bath and then give myself a pedicure.