Neglecting the Old Blog

I've figured out why I've been neglecting the blog.

1) I'm a perfectionist. I'm very upset that I am not at goal by now. For Pete's sake, I am three months away from my two-year anniversary. I just knew I'd be at goal by now. I did everything right. I still do! I count and measure everything, make sure I get enough protein, etc. It's just not meant to be. I'm upset with this and perhaps embarrassed.

I do know that I will get to goal someday, but it bothers me that it's taking so long.

2) The pain. My life seems to be centered around pain. Much of the time, that's all I think about. I know darned well that it's boring reading, negative and not very good blogging material. I feel like all I do is whine. I try very, very hard to keep a cheerful attitude, but sometimes it's just more than I can handle.

3) This is the biggie. This hit me like a ton of bricks when I figured it out. I had no clue, and if anyone would have asked me, I would have said no way. Depression.

I believe I am suffering from situational depression. Right now, sitting here pain free, I'm great. Not depressed at all. However, when that pain starts, I am so down in the dumps that I cry, I feel completely worthless and miserable. Because, well, I am all those things. It's more than humbling when you can't get up and walk without being in pain. When I have the pain it's constant, always there, but I have surges of extreme pain. There have been a few times where I felt the need to go to the ER but could not get up and prepare to leave the house.

Relaxation is key in getting me through the pain. No over the counter meds help at all. My doctors will not prescribe pain meds--which I think is a standard within the gynecological community from my research.

So the depression comes and goes. I took an online depression quiz the other day and some of the items on that test are always present. For example, one area was social. Do you avoid friends? YES I don't read blogs like I used to. I keep to myself and don't share my journey. Sometimes it's just too much.

So that is something I will work on. Exercise helps that tremendously, but when I'm having that stupid pain, exercise is not good. This last bout of pain I was able to keep my step count in the 7 to 8,000 range--which was better than the previous where I had a few days of 2 to 3,000 steps.

So right now what I'm doing is charting every single day what I feel, twinges, pain levels, my cycle. This is all cycle related. I also bought that hormone test kit and I screwed up because you're supposed to take it on the 19th day of your cycle and I miscounted. I was so upset because I have to wait. Once I've taken the test, I will start progesterone cream and hope that helps. My cycles run every three weeks--ugh.

Right now I've got about two good weeks out of the month. During those weeks, my focus is on moving and doing things because I fear I will be laid up soon.

It's killing me not being able to do workouts like I want. That's the worst part. Well, not being there for my family is bad. My husband is wonderful in that he takes over when I have pain spells, he gets groceries and cooks. He made our Thanksgiving dinner. I don't know what I'd do without his help.

So that's it. Depression, pain, and perfectionism.

I think I really need to start blogging my journey again and get back into the land of the living. I also need to start reading blogs faithfully again because you all are so wonderful and inspiring.

Here's to a couple of pain-free weeks for me. I'm ready to kick butt with my beloved workouts. I'm ready to live life to the fullest while I can.

In the meanwhile, if anyone knows of any natural means of pain relief, please share. Relaxation and breathing through it helps the most, but I'm wondering if there are any supplements that may help. I do take Motrin while I'm having pain even though it does nothing just to help with inflammation. Any other suggestions are more than welcome.

My First BIG Wow

I went shopping today. I picked up a couple things and then got in line. I recognized the clerk as one of my son's former playmate's mom. When it was my turn I was friendly and said, "Hi, how are you?" She looked at me kind of weird and said fine, thank you, did you find everything okay?

I thought mmm-kay, somebody wake up on the wrong side of the bed? So I paid, she bagged, and as I was leaving, she said, "Wait, are you XYZ's mom?" I said yes. She said, "Wow, you've lost a lot of weight."

She did not even recognize me! I walked out to my car dumbfounded. She didn't even know who I was. I suppose her mind was turning trying to think while she was checking me out and it dawned on her as I was leaving.

It made my day. And the funny part? It was warm and I wanted to wear a sweatshirt hoodie instead of a winter coat, but I don't have one anymore. DH let me borrow his Vikings hoodie, which is a 2XL and it is huge on me. So my true figure didn't even show. (Boy, was I comfy, though!) Do I really look that different?

I did look at clothes, specifically jeans, and I had to, once again, remind myself not to go to the plus-size section. I wonder how long it will take to break that habit.

It boggles my mind that someone didn't recognize me, though. Wow.

Tears of Joy

I cried for 15 minutes straight tonight, so happy for an online friend who had a very special day today. Nothing makes me happier than being able to celebrate a friend's geat success. =) Will elaborate more tomorrow when said friend has made an announcement on said friend's blog.

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****EDITED TO ADD:***** The friend I cried for is none other than Sean Anderson! He reached goal, and has lost 275 pounds! I was just overcome, I was so happy for him!

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I'm no longer worried over DH's job. It is what it is. There are no guarantees in life, and there is absolutely no sense in worrying about something which he nor I have any control.

I'm down 1.5 pounds from my last posted weight on my sidebar! 193.5. Another thing I will no longer worry about: my sloooow losses. It is what it is. I KNOW I will get to goal. I had hoped it would be sooner, but it's not. I'll take it no matter what. 89 pounds down.

Looking ahead, I've bounced around goal numbers since I started this journey. I never knew what I wanted my goal weight to be. I put it high, then reduced it a bit. I think I'm aiming for 150, 149 or 148. lol I'll call goal when I get to 150. That's ONLY 43.5 pounds. That's a helluva lot better than 132 to lose! Go me. I'm really hoping my body will cooperate and release these pounds within the next year!

I have one pair of jeans that fit well at the moment. Had to buy new sweatpants to wear around the house because they're $6 and cheaper than jeans. (And more comfy!) Out of instinct, I bought size XLG. WRONG. Had to go back and buy a large. I also bought a medium just to see. The large works well for comfort. The medium fits but is a tad tight. I keep thinking it's vanity sizing because my belly is still big. Maybe it is, but whatever, that's the size in the store that fits me now. Yay.

Waiting to do my hormone test until the right day. Wish that were in the mail, but have to follow the rules. Hoping that helps. I've had twinges or very light pains every day--nothing that interrupts my day-to-day life, though. Next time that nasty pain hits, I will go to the ER. Period. It was that bad. I have a sneaky suspicion it's on its way back, as I've felt more pressure in the spot that hurts today than I have since it was really bad. Taking aspirin to fight inflammation. Hope that helps.

That's about it. I just feel SOOOOOOOOO happy tonight for someone so wonderful. Great joy indeed!

Screeching Halt

Just was online reading our local newspaper. It seems DH's company is laying off all but 40 employees. Hubby forgot to mention this to me. Fortunately for us, DH should be safe. However, I can't imagine they'll keep the company open here when there is no production here--it's completely illogical. Illogical to me, that is.

Guess it's time to get the house market ready. Good luck with that.

Just what I need, one more huge worry on top of my health issues and everything else. If I drank, I'd probably get drunk right now. I don't drink, so will have to face it head on.

Holy crap. This economy is so bad and I feel so bad for the families who are losing their jobs. We're a small town and they're not going to find jobs like they have now.

What is in store for us, personally! It's time to go on major frugal mode, I guess. Not that I'm a big spender, but still.

Oy.

A Good Day

I felt good. Just a few twinges. Lower on energy than normal, but that will come back.

The great news? Just checked my FitBit and I have 20,544 steps with 20 minutes to spare before midnight.

YES

When I feel well there's nothing I can't do. I WANT to move and work out. I love it. Aside from my family, it is the center of my life. When I don't feel like I have glass shards and vice grips clamping down in my pelvic region, I can conquer anything.

Tomorrow? A good, tough strength workout. I'm thinking The FIRM's Tough Tape.

YES YES YES YES YES
lol

45 Pounds

Hubby just got on the scale then came in to tell me that I am 45 pounds lighter than he is.

Wow. I remember being so excited when I matched his weight, then dipped below. Now I'm 45 pounds lighter? WAY cool.

That just made my morning!

Update

Looking back over 2010, physically it was just a rough year. The pain--that was the theme of 2010 for me. Everything centered around the pain. Sweet relief was had after the surgery this summer, but it was short-lived.

The last week has been the most painful of the year. At times, I shot up to a 10 out of 10 on the pain scale. Last night and the night before, I finally dropped down to a 1 or 2. That made me hopeful, but then when morning hit, there it was again.

Today was the same, about a 4 on the pain scale. I decided screw it, I'm sick of sitting or lying down, and I popped in Leslie Sansone's 1 Mile Gentle Walk. I did it. The whole thing. Then I got cocky and just a little while ago I put in another Leslie and it was an interval with boosts and it was just too darned fast and made my pain soar. Stop. Hubby rubbed my back a bit.

The good news? For the first time in a week, I broke 10,000 steps.

The Doctor

I did not call my doctor. Why?

1) Because I would not receive anything for the pain. Never have in the past and I know they wouldn't give it now. And frankly, that really pisses me off.
2) It would be the same old routine: ultrasound, schedule an appointment with the gyno, wait a few weeks to see him, then...
3) Who knows what he'll recommend at this stage. I know I'm not up for surgery again. Not this winter. Maybe in the spring. I couldn't take it right now mentally. (Unless it was an emergency, of course.)
4) My hormone test kit arrived, and I have to wait a few more days before I can send that in. I want to at least try the recommendations of progesterone cream and supplements for a couple months.
5) I've been practicing visualization and stress reduction and want to continue. I get extremely tense and stressed from the pain, and I'm learning quickly how to get myself to relax. This is a good thing borne out of necessity, but it will stick with me for life. I've never been that good at it before.
6) I'm not too worried about what's going on inside me because it was just a couple months ago that I had the surgery and I was in the clear.

My guess is that it is another ovarian cyst or two (because the pain is in the same place) PLUS I think one of my fibroids is acting up.

And that's that. I have done virtually nothing all week. In bed a lot. Such a huge relief to move around more. A great-big thank you to my son who has gone above and beyond that of a 15 year old by helping cook, clean, do dishes, rub my shoulders, etc., plus getting all his school work done. A huge thank you to my husband for buying the groceries, picking up prescriptions, doing the laundry, cooking, and an occasional much-needed back rub.

May the next week be much better!