Panic Attack

I just had a panic attack. I'm still shaking a bit.

I drove my son to his art class, and while driving I just had an overwhelming sense of doom. My heart started pounding, my gut felt weird, and I was scared to death I would keel over.

Keel over. More on that later.

I talked myself out of it, but I'm still shaking. I reminded myself nothing happens when I have these things, I'm always safe. Where it came from, I have no idea. I have felt kind of weird all day, though. I felt nauseous and tired.

This is not the first time this has happened to me while driving my son to art class. What is the connection?

I did not take a Xanax. I talked to myself out loud like an idiot the whole way home. Had it been bad, I would have pulled over. I would never endanger myself or others. It's just a weird, panicy feeling.

KEELING OVER

When I have these attacks, I always worry that I'll keel over. I know why I worry about that.

I watched my mom keel over and have a heart attack in 1993. We were sitting there visiting in her living room, boom, she was having what I thought was a diabetic seizure, but instead it was a heart attack. She never regained consciousness and she died a few days later. Her last words were, "Jo, something funny's going on."

Last March, I was sitting at my dad's kitchen table, and I looked up and he keeled over. Just sitting there visiting, then the next he was seizing. It was a heart attack. This time I knew what it was. With my son's help, we got him to the floor and I was starting CPR when the paramedics showed up.

Those visions are permanently etched in my mind. I think they're connected to my panic attacks.

Epilepsy also runs on my husband's side of the family. While I've only seen a few seizures in my years, it's the same thing: Boom, on the floor. They just keel over.

My sweet son was diagnosed with epilepsy last summer. He has never had a seizure, but he was having jerks similar to those you have when you fall asleep. The difference was that he was awake and upright. They are called myoclonic jerks. He had an EEG and was diagnosed with Juvenile Myoclonic Epilepsy. He is on medication which has stopped the jerks. His type of epilepsy is one of the most controllable types, thankfully. He could drop in a second, though, and have a seizure.

So with these admissions, I think I just saved myself $200 in a therapy session. I know why I fear what I fear--because I have seen it, lived it, and it is very likely I'll see it in my lifetime again.

Now I need to figure out how to quit being so scared of keeling over myself. I need to quit fearing that it will happen to my son.

That's the hard part.

The other thing I have to figure out is why I have these panic attacks out of the blue. My blood sugar may be low because I have not eaten much today because I was nauseous. That is a strong possibility. Otherwise, I'm clueless.

I know this: I hate this. I hate the feeling of losing control. I hate the fear that comes with a panic attack. I hate that it happens to me.

I'm sitting here all alone--well, with my doggies--but eagerly awaiting my husband's arrival home from work. His presence always makes everything better in my world.