To Err is Human

To make mistakes is human. How we deal with our mistakes is very important.

One thing I'm working on this journey is to not be so darned hard on myself. I can really be my own worst critic. In the past, when I did something I regretted, I would turn inside myself and mentally beat myself up. I would get into stinking thinking, call myself stupid, and really be frustrated and upset for a long time--days or longer!

With that came food. I would eat to stuff my feelings, to hide my embarrassment. My choice would be Chips-Ahoy cookies, or the Keebler brand M&M cookies and a big, tall glass of milk. Or two. Eat, drink, eat drink, beat myself up, eat some more. A vicious circle. My son would have a few cookies, and I would polish off the rest. In one sitting.

I am learning to forgive myself for my oops moments much quicker now. It's hard, because I still react quickly, but I'm letting go now where before I didn't. I didn't binge after the comment I left, I did get a little upset with myself. I did have a "why did I do that" moment.

The thing is, the comment I left I knew the language I used wouldn't be offensive to the person because I've read her blog. I forget that it isn't a private conversation. And thankfully she let me know that it wasn't offensive.

I say shit in real life. A lot. I say other things, too. I try to live my online and off life with grace and try not swear, but sometimes I forget to mind my Ps and Qs. I do not go around like a member of Ozzy Osbourne's family--but I use a word now and then. My husband does, too. I think we both have a knack of knowing who we can relax around and talk this way with. I don't swear amongst most people I know.

It's a perfectionist thing. I want people to think I'm the nice person that I am. The people I know in real life really look down on swearing and don't think nice people swear. So I watch it. But that's not me. That is one reason I struggle with the town I live in, and making friends here. I know who I am, and always having to be on guard is uncomfortable.

One of my biggest fears is being judged. I judge myself harsher than I think others do. I say I don't care what people think of me, and in many cases that's true, but not always. I am learning to say "oh well" and moving on.

It's a tough lesson to learn. It's pretty easy to accept I'm human and will make mistakes, it's more difficult to not beat myself up and turn to my cookies.

I'm doing it, though. Each time something comes up, because I'm human and something will always come up, I'm getting better and better. And that's the point of it all, to get better.

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Speaking of food, I have only eaten 23 of 31 points today. I don't think I'll eat anymore. I sipped on Cup-of-Soup, crackers, toast and diet Sierra Mist today. Hubby made me some noodles for supper. I'm feeling less toxic, but I'm only to 80%. I'm hoping after a good night's sleep, I'll be up to 90 tomorrow. I only took two OTC ibuprofen today, which is great.

The surgery clinic called to see how I was doing. I told them. When they asked the standard if there was anything they could have done differently, I spoke up. I told the gal I did not feel awake enough to leave, and that I got horribly sick in the car on the way home. I told her that I wish I could have had one more hour there--to sleep/wake up get on my feet better. She checked the chart and I was in the first post-op room for 15 minutes, of which I only remember someone saying "Give her morphine" and throwing up, and the second post-op room for an hour. I was shocked that I was discharged so quickly. I told her that in the future, for out-of-town patients, they might offer to let them stay longer. I don't think it would have been as bad had I had a 10-minute drive home. But we were in the car for an hour. And I really grossed my family out. lol