I have made two mistakes recently.
1) Today: I ate. I shouldn't have. I am clammy, icky, nauseous and gross. My stomach doesn't like food and my nose doesn't like the smell of food. Ugh.
2) Last night: I wrote a comment on someone's blog that I regret. It wasn't how I usually respond to people. The fact that I had taken a pain killer might have made me feel freer to say what I said. I was just so saddened by what she wrote, that I left a tough love comment. I used the word s-h-i-t with the i and not an *. I told someone to "knock that sh*t off."
I think that I really reacted because she was in a self-hating mode. I used to be that way, and I think that's why it bothered me so much. I used to have a lot of negative self-talk: I hate myself, I screw everything up, everything I touch breaks, I ruin everything, I'm worthless, I suck...then one day I snapped out of it.
When we think like that, it takes over our brain and festers. Negativity breeds negativity.
Stepping back, seeing all the good that we are, we have, we do can really help get us out of a funk. We are not all bad, we do not suck, and there is no reason on the face of the earth that we need to hate ourselves.
I might have eaten my way to 282.5, felt miserable and became unhealthy, but I did not suck. That was but one aspect of me. I also had and have many good qualities.
So when I see someone who has lost 70 pounds dissing on herself, it makes me sad. Really sad. It touches that spot in me of how I used to think and react. I don't want that for her.
I apologize if I was offensive. My heart aches, though, and I hope that you see how wonderful you really are, what wonderful things you have accomplished, and that you don't suck. You are pretty amazing.
Everyone says things they regret. One thing that stood out for me was where you knew that even though you had gained weight, you still had value. That is so important for other people to hear.
ReplyDeleteI too struggled with obesity. At 305 pounds I didn't like a lot of things about myself, but I still knew I had value.
Take it easy, and you will feel better soon!
Personally, I think that word's just as offensive with the "*" in it as not. ;)
ReplyDeleteSorry about the nausea :(
ReplyDeleteAlso, I read the comment you posted, and I didn't think it was offensive...kind of a tough love approach, but it was loving. It's all good chickie :)
I saw your comment, too... since there's no TONE OF VOICE to written words, it could go either way.
ReplyDeleteIf Jack had written it, it might have a hint of whimsey.
If Fitcetera had written it, you would just think she was even cuter, still!
So sometimes it is our PERCEPTION!
I, too , thought your comment was JUST RIGHT!
And by the way, maybe start off with clear liquids? Broth perhaps?
Hey hon, no offense was taken. As for using the shit word...seriously, you've read my blog sweetheart, I've used far worse than the shit word and quite often I might add lol.
ReplyDeleteI appreciate the sentiment of your tough love, I do. I also know though that I have to be ready to see the good in me. I'm not a fake it til you make it kind of gal, most of the time. It just happens every so often, that I fail and kill myself with negativity. I can't help it. It's who I am. Not always, but not never either, does that make sense? :)
Stop feeling bad, and you have no reason to apologize.
PS: if you shared your e-mail addy on your comments I'd have said this through email lol. It's all good!
Hope you feel better.
ReplyDelete