I tend to awfulize a bit. That wasn't always the case, and it came as a result of spending two weeks with a mentally ill alcoholic sibling who attacked me. It was as a result of everything going wrong that could go wrong: deaths, hospitalizations, extreme issues beyond normal. 2008 was a very bad year, and I wonder sometimes how I ever survived it. But I did.
As a result of 2008, I have an anxiety disorder and a lot of fear--mostly of a particular person, but it has generalized. Every time I turned around that year, something awful happened--really awful. It was surreal. Thus, the awfulizing.
I awfulized today with the printer. I worried, I got that sick feeling and it was all due to money. I just got our debt paid off, then wham, $600 in car repair and now a $500+ printer. (Which for our use really was justified going expensive.)
It's just money. I recognize my emotions. I prevailed today. I didn't turn to food (cookies and chocolate), I had and felt real emotions. I was upset, then tonight I was just mad and in a bad mood. I hardly read any blogs today because I was busy being upset.
I look at this as a huge victory, though. As short as a few months ago, this would have put me into a woe is me mood--or rather, continued that mood. I am to the point now that I recognize what's going on rather that just sinking further. I'm fine now. It's just money, and I've been so good with money, that I'll get the debt paid off soon. Sh*t happens, printers die, cars need repaired, etc. While I haven't built that emergency repair fund up yet, I will, and we'll be okay.
I couldn't have come to that conclusion months ago. I could not have counted my blessings. I could not have run through all the emotions (which I hope are fairly normal or healthy: frustration, anger then getting over it--only I think my frustration might have been heightened.)
I wish I could share what all happened to me in 2008. I posted some of it in a previous blog post: dog dying of cancer, dad's surgery and then heart attack in front of my son and I, CPR, husband hospitalized with medical emergency, son diagnosed with epilepsy, pneumonia that wouldn't heal for me, tons more...the part I didn't share was the cruelty my son and I were subject to, the abuse, the alcoholism, the attack--which happened in front of my son. I don't know that I can go there. I want so badly to tell my story, but I have to have some respect (even though I don't get any in return) because the person is mentally ill. And I do love the person deep down, but I can never be around her again. She stalks me. It's still bad, but it's more distant. My son and I watched this person drink a 12-pack of beer nightly for two weeks. I almost welcomed it, as it mellowed her out. When she was sober, life was hell.
There will never be a resolution to it. There will never be an apology. There will never be an acknowledgement of the abuse. That is the resolution, and it sucks.
It's taken me a long time to heal. At many points I would look to my husband and cry: I JUST HURT...every cell in my body JUST HURTS. The pain I experienced was tremendous. Slowly, that pain is leaving. I don't hurt every day anymore. I actually laugh, have fun, and have come alive again. I sure remember, though. That which doesn't kill us makes us stronger. Sometimes it takes awhile to get stronger.
I don't know all the answers yet, but I do know when things are settled, I will no longer have contact with this person except for her stalking me on the internet, as she does. (I have proof.) That is why this blog has the search engine feature turned off and short RSS feed. Paranoid a bit? Perhaps, but I need a place for me, where I can express my feelings without that fear. As my husband has told me all along, I need to take my life back. This blog has helped me to do just that. And if I am found, so be it. I'm NOT giving this blog up.
I have wanted to share this for a long time, but didn't out of fear. There's a reason why I awfulize, why I have all this stupid fear. I'm working on getting rid of it. I am so much better than I was in February: 41.5 pounds gone, moving more, good blood work and better health, and my mood has improved so much that I just cannot believe it.
Another two steps forward.
This is my journey to health, and to me, health is body, mind and spirit. It is all related. I think I should give myself a red star for recognizing my awfulizing today and getting over it. ;-)
(((hugs)))
ReplyDeleteI like the term awfulize, I think I do that sometimes too.
And, having lived with an abusive alcoholic I totally understand how damaging that is.
You are improving so much, we can see it and it is great that you recognise it in yourself as well.
You deserve that star!
You have been through a lot. Just reading your blog shows me that you are a strong person, just being able to work through all of those hurts and experiences, and still coming out stronger!
ReplyDeleteMy Lord, you have been through a lot. And wounded as you have been, your strength is apparent in your writing. Perhaps this resiliency is new to you. Whatever...I hope you are proud you're not plunging into the darkness or binging etc.
ReplyDeleteYou're fighting, and you're vertical, and that is something.
I hope things continue to improve for you.
You have my utmost respect for having these situations in your life and somehow managing to still deal with the food issue. It is nothing short of heroic. I feel privileged to hear your story.
ReplyDeleteYou have been through more so far than most people in a lifetime!
ReplyDeleteI totally understand having to deal with someone with mental health issues. I deal with a lot of people like that and yes it's stressful at the best of times.
"hugs" and don't ever give up on this blog :)
Hugs!
ReplyDeleteBravo for not turning to food when the money crisis hit.
Money can be such a tricky thing. We don't want to give it importance, but hey, we all have bills to pay for our homes, food, clothes...and those things are important.
Congrats on getting that other debt paid off - you'll have this gone soon, too.
Def. don't give up the blog. You've made such strides in your journey that you deserve the support & friendships a blog can bring.
We're here for you. :)
Gah! Sounds like a really rough year! If you ever need to talk just drop me a line sweetheart! I'm a pretty good listener, promise.
ReplyDeleteAlso something that might help with your situation with your stalker is Al-Anon. I'm in Nar-Anon and it's pretty much saved my sanity. I whole heartedly encourage it!
It's sometimes not fair that the most amazing people have the most awful luck. But I just always remember one thing. When I was little and would complain to my mom about some kid saying something mean or something not going right, she'd always say, "Well tomorrow is a new day. And it will be." And as much as I hated hearing that at 10, I hate it almost more now because it means I get a new start each day and sometimes I just want to carry out my sulking for a few days. She promised a new day. And it was.
ReplyDeleteSo tomorrow is a new day! And it will be a new day!
Thanks for the comments. It felt reallllly good to release just a small amount of what has bothered me for so long. I could write a book, but I won't.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I love the new day comment. Actually, I looked at 2009 as a whole new year, with opportunities to change, get better, feel better, break free. I was pretty miserable and it was time to break free, start anew. Had to fake it to make it for quite awhile, then everything just started getting better.
I know that 2008's events will make me stronger, but it's taking awhile to get out of it. Each day is better than the last.
WOW. I could have written part of this... at least the part about a mentally ill alcoholic sibling....not the attack or the stalking part. It sucks because you know it will probably never get better. One of those terrible, "awful" things that you have to accept and deal with in life. It's heart-wrenching and soul-crushing.
ReplyDeleteBut somehow...somehow...we have to push through, keep our chins up, and do what's good and healthy for ourselves. It hurts to not be able to help the ones we love the most, but at the same time, we have to understand that our lives are worth saving, too.
I'm in love with the comment that Fat Daddy left...."You're vertical". Some days it's a true effort just to get vertical, so be proud of yourself that you are. :)
Oh Jo. Sometimes when I read you posts I wish I could just reach out over the internet and *fix* things. You seem so wonderful, and you've had to deal with so much. My heart goes out to you.
ReplyDeleteYou are so, so strong, and you've dealt with so much. You survived 2008, and this year, you're thriving. You did a great job by not giving into food in the printer crisis. The debt will be paid off again soon, so don't worry too much about it. You've done it before, you can do it this time.
Oh gosh, good luck! Awfulize is a great word, glad you have a safe place now.
ReplyDeleteOh my goodness Jo. You have been though so much :( You are so incredibly strong to just survive all that, let alone with any sense of sanity.
ReplyDelete