My Official Anniversary Today

Two years ago today, I started my "diet." I use the word loosely because I knew it was not a diet, yet I didn't want to call it a lifestyle change because I find that term too pop culture. I call what I've been doing my journey, my health journey and/or my fitness journey.

Yes, I've lost a lot of weight. I've whined wishing it were more. It is what it is. My general health has improved greatly. I settled down into a good, um, lifestyle. Then the rug got pulled from my feet.

Finally, the diagnosis delivering me from the years of pain. Pain I now know is called renal colic and by some accounts the most painful thing the human body can endure, and by other accounts, it's in the top four compared to heart attacks, gunshots, and something else, I forget. So get the surgery, get shocked that the recovery was pure hell, and look forward to the day that I get the stent removed.

The day the stent was removed was actually the day the rug got pulled from under. The new kidney stone prevention diet. That diet went against everything I believed: Anything in moderation. When I say anything, that doesn't mean I'm going to eat garbage all day--never did. However, I never felt guilty of I wanted something "not clean" or a little naughty. Overall, my eating had improved vastly.

Until the kidney stone prevention diet. Oh, how I have struggled. The last few weeks I have been severely depressed. I was so bad I spent most of my time in bed, throwing out "I don't cares, "f*ck it," and other comments. I'm pretty ladylike, although I do swear in real life, but my attitude was anything but.

Kept trying to remain cheerful and positive, but I was burst out into tears and the drop of a hat. I was really bad off and was contemplating a phone call to my doctor.

And then it struck me. The thing I've said all along came to mind, this is mostly a mental journey. I was in a mental fog. I just kept thinking about that, the mental journey. Then I used my noggin and asked myself what was it that would make me feel better. My immediate answer was a big bowl of bran flakes and almonds. lol (Yes, seriously!) But then I stepped out of the food box and asked again, what would make me feel better. Exercise. Getting my step count up to 20,000 again. Moving forward. DOING. I thought about that long and hard. Yesterday it came to fruition.

DOING. Just do it. I've used the phrase just do it long before Nike did. Moving. That would make me happy. So yesterday, I set out to do that. My goal was to get 10,000 steps. I did a Leslie DVD and I thought, this is NOOOO fun. This is my sickly workout and I'm tired of walking with Leslie. I want to really work out. So I dusted off my step bench and popped in a short step DVD by Gin Miller. It was short and easy to ease me back. That was all it took. My spirits soared. I was highly active the rest of the day and ended up with 22,900 steps.

Yup, I'M BACK. I had to clear the fog, the stinking thinking, and I had to dig deep and find what it was that would really make me happy.

There's nothing I can do about the fact that I now have a kidney disease. Oh, those two words I was never going to use here. Did you know that if you produce kidney stones, you have kidney disease? When I think of kidney disease, I think of dialysis. However, there are many diseases of the kidney and kidney stones is one of them.

And those two words, kidney disease, are also what put me into a tailspin. This journey had been about saving myself from disease, hoping that it wasn't too late, that I hadn't screwed up my body and could save it. So having a label hurt and hurt bad. However, once I got to thinking about that, I realized that I had had that kidney disease for years but it had not been diagnosed. So that made me feel a little better. Just a little, because the likelihood is that I did it to myself through obesity and dehydration.

And so here is my anniversary, and I've learned a thing or two just in the last few weeks--earth shattering. I'm not a positive person by nature. I'm very black and white and a perfectionist to boot. If I can step out of my shoes when I'm struggling, though, and really think out a problem, I can find a solution.

I don't know if I've licked this depression or not, but my gut is telling me yes. I know myself pretty well. I tend to be an overachiever and I do have my eye on the prize, and it's time to go get it.

So happy anniversary to me. Two years ago I started my "diet" and quest to improve my health. I've done just that. The added bonus has become mental clarity.

I hope next year I'll be at goal. If I'm not, so be it, because I will be the next year. While I want it all yesterday, I'm happy with my new normal--a normal which is always changing.