Snap Out of It!!!

I am having the hardest time snapping out of this funk.

Monday we had to go to the big city for my son's ortho appointment. DH took the afternoon off work to go with. I drove. It was the first time I had driven a car since before my surgery. I don't get out much, do I? lol

I was okay. I tried my best to be cheerful. We had to go to Sam's for some things that are much cheaper than we can buy locally. I ended up getting some lovely plastic 20 oz. insulated BPA free glasses which are colorful and cheerful. If I have to drink like a fiend, I might as well drink out of a pretty glass, right? But the rest of the Sam's Club excursion? BIG mistake. We went up and down the food aisles. At first I joked and said, "I can't have that anymore." We all laughed. Then it got depressing. Everywhere I looked there were things I couldn't have. I ended up teary eyed, pretending to be cheerful but inside--uh huh, I was so sad.

After that, DS had his appointment and then we went to Best Buy. That store is just heavenly--all the coolest techy gadgets. We all had a bad case of the "I wants" while there. BUT then my kidney really started hurting. I was almost shaking and told DH I simply had to leave. Way to put a damper on our day out.

On the way out of town, DH stopped at the local grocery store that has a Starbucks and bought me a tall decaf. I can have that. Wow, was that heavenly.

When we got home? I kicked off my shoes and crawled into bed. I was in that pissy mood once again. That lasted all Monday night until about 6:30 a.m. Couldn't sleep. Saw DH off to work and then I crawled back into bed for about 3 1/2 hours.

Someone asked about our school. School is not suffering at all. For some strange reason, this year I decided to buy a computer program called Switched on Schoolhouse for my son. I never do this, we're usually much more eclectic, but I did it. My son does his school on his own because everything he needs is there. All I have to do is answer questions he has along the way, and check his progress. He's doing very, very well. He's a hard worker and will even do school when our public school has snow days. I give him the option of a free day (sometimes) on those days, but he chooses to do his work. So that's not a concern at all. Thankfully I went that route this year.

So Tuesday I blogged, surfed a bit, but was shaking, exhausted, upset to the point I just could not relax for anything. Then I had a light bulb moment. Xanax. I popped one. It just helped to ease the stress from my body until I got sleepy. I ended up napping for an hour and feeling a bit better. I took one again that evening because when I stood, I couldn't stop shaking my leg. I'm a knee shaker when I sit, and that turned into leg shaking while standing. DH noticed it and called me on it. So I had a good, long peaceful sleep.

Today? Another pity party. DS was really, really sick. He's running a fever and he slept off and on. You know a kid is sick when he doesn't even want to watch TV or any of his DVDs. Poor thing. So I took care of him, feigned cheerfulness, but I was still in a mood.

I thought about doing a workout. I thought about getting out of the house, but since DS was sick, I chose not to. I thought about a workout again--actually many times throughout the day--but I didn't.

For the life of me, I cannot figure this out. I was counting the days, the minutes, the seconds until I could plug a DVD in and GO. Now? It's as if I'm scared to take the plunge. I have done two mile-long walking workouts post surgery. That's it. I wasn't quite ready for them. I had no idea the recovery from this "easy" surgery would be so difficult.

I need to snap out of this and fast. I'm really being a Debbie Downer. I'm closing my eyes to all new food possibilities because I can't have what I want. I've always been able to make change by going slow. Eliminate one thing at a time, add one thing at a time. It worked and worked well. Now? Slam, bam, a huge list of no's is facing me and I'm revolting. Tell me I can't have something and I want it all the more.

SNAP OUT OF IT!!!!!!!!

Tomorrow I'm going to do *something* physical. I would really love to plug in a Firm VHS or DVD and do it. I'll settle for a walking workout. Something. Anything. I always said that my workouts were my anti-depressants. Well, if I've ever needed one, it's NOW.