Life Has Changed!!!

It's been awhile since I've blogged. I was thinking about that last night and I've kind of hidden myself from my blog and the blog world because I didn't like my attitude the past year. My blog reflected it. 2011 (and before) was full of pain, physical and mental. The physical was so bad it got me, I was negative, I was "ugly" with my thoughts and words. That's here and I didn't want to face it.

It is what it is. That part of my journey was a necessary evil, I suppose. I'm better now. I've sure changed a hell of a lot, too.

At the current moment I'm battling SAD. I'm taking 3000 IU of Vitamin D daily and sitting with my light box. I have moments of slight depression, but NOTHING like last year. The worst thing this year is intense, horrible food cravings. I'm thinking it was about December and I was hungry! Physically hungry! My stomach started growling. I don't think I've ever been that hungry. All I wanted were carbs. It was a battle. However, when I did some research I found that a symptom of SAD is carb cravings. It releases a chemical in our brains to help fight the depression. Go figure.

Now? I'm still hungry, but not to the degree that I was. My carb cravings are greatly reduced, but still there. I can deal with it now.

What's new in my life:

We have officially stopped homeschooling. My son was accepted into an online charter school which starts the end of the month. This was a HUGE weight lifted from my shoulders. I hated teaching math, and he had far surpassed me in science. Now he can spread his wings and fly, I don't have to worry about transcripts, and he'll be college bound. It was bittersweet, I was down for a few days. That was our way of life for over seven years. I did a damned good job for him. He learned well and his standardized test scores were off the charts. Now he needs to learn differently, with instructors with different expectations. I'll spend a week or two helping him adjust to the new style, and then he'll be on his own. (Well, just like he would if he were going to a brick and mortar school. I'll still be checking on him!)

I joined Soldiers' Angels at the beginning of November and I absolutely love it. It filled a void in my life, a need to volunteer and make a difference while supporting our troops. I have met the most wonderful people through this, both soldiers and other angels, and I am just blessed. I have adopted three and I write to at least four new soldiers each week, sometimes more. I was extremely blessed to hear back from a female and she inspires me greatly. I chat at night with two other soldiers, and with one in particular, I am constantly laughing. This has greatly enriched my life in many ways.

I joined karate! I decided I needed to do something physical outside of the house. I googled martial arts and my hometown and found a karate club. I went and watched one night and joined on the spot. When I came home, talked to my husband, I asked him to join with me. He did. We go three times a week, started the end of November, and while I totally suck at it, LOL, we are loving it. It's a great group of people and we're both expanding our minds.

Our karate is held at a local health club. Going there three times a week, we'd walk by the weight area. They have a machine called a Gravitron. I watched someone using that one night while we were in karate. Oh, I wanted to try that. It's a pull-up/chin up/triceps dip assist machine. That sold me on the membership. Anyway, through our insurance, we were able to get a reduced rate. We joined Wednesday and I worked out at the gym for the first time Friday. Waiting on the paperwork, but will go again Monday.

What, me going out of the house and working out in public? Yup. Me. Because I can. Still a little iffy on the confidence, only because it's new. I'm going for the weights. It's definitely the BOY area. I've already met some nice people, and that was one of the main reasons to do this.

I released a lot of people from my life. Those who sabotaged me. Those I used to meet at McDonald's. Those who tried to get me to stray from my new lifestyle. They were unhealthy for me. It's time to meet new people. I finally have the confidence.

About the beginning of December, I went into maintenance mode intentionally. I lost a lot of weight fast and hit a size 14. I had not been in a size 14 for nearly 20 years. This journey has always been about health, and the getting thinner part was just a great bonus. Until now. It kind of freaked me out. My husband said that I went from being fat to pudgy. He no longer sees me as fat. That freaks me out. Yes, it makes me happy, but it is STRANGE. I cannot describe my feelings. I needed to stop, maintain, and let my mind catch up with my body.

The thing is, I'm now scared. I'm scared to move forward. I'm scared of the unknown. I'm scared of getting thinner. Believe it or not, it is more difficult NOW than it was at 282.5 pounds. I don't know why. I'm getting close to "normal" and I haven't been "normal" in so long, that it's frightening to me.

So what do I do when I'm scared? Run, hide my head under the covers and make the world go away? Nope. Now I face my fears. If I can join a gym and go there, I can face this. It's not going to be easy, but I will. So tomorrow I'm going to start Jo's Kick Ass 60-Day Challenge. Will write more about that later. I'm going to blog every day. Blogging prolifically got me going in the first place, and I need the help to finish this off.

2012 is the year I'll meet goal.

Speaking of goal, I don't have one other than an idea of what I want to look like. Do I want to pick a number? I don't know. A very good blogging friend is an inch shorter than I am, hit 145 and was very fit. She wore a size 8. I thought she looked fantastic. So 145? If I'm MUSCLE, which is the plan, might just be my goal. I can't say with certainty because I'll know it when I get there.

Fitness: Time to kick it up. I had TREMENDOUS results doing The Skogg System, walking and watching my calories. I lost over 40 pounds in four months. I built muscle! I could see it in my shoulders, I could feel it under my remaining fat. I love kettlebells and Michael Skogg is a great instructor. So why the gym then, a gym with no kettlebells? Because my need to be around people is greater, my need to get out into the world. In the perfect world, I'd live in Portland and go to the Skogg's gym. But I don't. So I plan on doing one Skogg DVD a week, and doing a total body weight workout 3x a week at the gym. I also plan on bumping up my cardio. I am going to walk 30 minutes daily still. (At least 30 minutes.) That's my meditation time and I won't give that up for anything. However, I'm going to add some HIIT, some step aerobics, and the stair stepper and elliptical at the gym, too.

It's time to kick ass.

In this 60-day challenge, I also plan on challenging myself to be more productive in my home. Still thinking through what all I want to accomplish in that area.

So tomorrow, world, here I come.