Mean/Bad Mom Award

I get the trophy today.

I woke up groggy, way too early--I need my 8 hours a night--and I was dealing with a 13-year-old boy.

At 13, my son is just learning that his parents are stupid, that he knows better or best, and that we're old and not with it. I kind of snapped at him. Not kind of, I did snap. Yesterday's math had over 100 problems, and I told him there's no way we'll do that many in a day. We broke the lesson into two days so it was more manageable. So this morning he argued with me that he finished all of yesterday's assignment. I knew better, I graded it. I just snapped.

I yelled. I used a bad word. The same bad word my mother would use when she was really pissed off. I did not, however, use his full name.

The end result was he sat down and did his math. His attention didn't lack, and he got it done in record time. In the mean time, I felt like a bad mom. I hate that.

This happened because:

1) I was in a lot of pain this morning

2) I didn't get enough sleep

3) He's a teenager and I reacted to it instead of recognizing that his arguing is a developmental thing. Calm words and direction, with clear expectations, work much better than yelling

After he finished his math, we sat down and had a talk. I apologized, he apologized. I was honest explaining I didn't feel well. That's just not good enough though--it's an excuse for my wrong behavior.

The only good thing was I did not turn to food to comfort myself. Also, I stopped and thought it through...I'm only human, and humans aren't perfect, they screw up. While I felt bad, I did not guilt myself. That serves no purpose, and when I do that, I start getting into stinking thinking and usually end up eating something in mass quantities.

My son and I discussed options for me when I'm hurting and grouchy. We both decided it would be best for me just to leave the room for a few minutes until I get my act together. It would be best for him to be quiet and listen to his old mom.

It wasn't that bad, but it wasn't one our our best moments, either.

Learn and move on.

Insomnia

Tonight it hit. I toss and turned for an hour and a half and finally got up. I popped a pill...Ambien will soon kick in. My doctor told me to go to bed immediately as they hit fast. Nope, it takes about 45 minutes for it to kick in with me.

My mind races when I go to bed. I think of so many things. I have great blog posts forming in my mind--all to be lost by the next day. lol Perhaps that's like being drunk and having a good idea only to realize it was pretty stupid when one sobers up? lol

On this journey to health I'm on, sleep is a big issue. I am a night owl by nature. When I was a baby, I had my days and nights mixed up and was pure hell on my mother. I made up for it later in life, we were very close. I used to go to bed every night at 10 and get up at 6. Now I go to bed at midnight, or close there to, and get up when I wake up. I have given up on setting an alarm because I sleep through it.

I should go have a sleep apnea study done. Honestly, the reason I haven't is I don't want people watching me sleep. What if I scratch something in my sleep? What if I expose myself? What if I fart? My husband sleeps on the couch half the time due to my snoring. (His is worse, imho.) Those all seem pretty stupid, but they are honest concerns of mine. That plus drooling, contorted face, talking in my sleep...I just don't want to do it. Besides, my husband has never heard me stop breathing in the night.

I sure never feel rested, though. The Ambien has always worked well, but now I'm feeling sluggish the next day -- kind of drugged. I don't take it very often at all.

I have a sleep hypnosis CD which helps if I can shut my mind off. The problem with that is you are supposed to wear headphones when listening to it. I do that, but then I sleep on the stupid cord and have a line running across my face. Sometimes I get the giggles over one little part of it that makes no sense. That wakes me up and takes any relaxation away.

Sometimes a bedtime snack helps. In the old days, that snack would be huge. I have three exercise points I could use. I'm not really hungry, though. I also haven't used any of my flex points. So I could have a glass of milk and a 1-point English muffin, or something light. I think I'll just wait for the pill to kick.

I hate this. I want to be a morning bird. I guess it wouldn't really matter if I were only a housewife. The thing is, I'm a homeschooling mom. I'm not a typical homeschool mom, I don't own a denim jumper. I don't go to church, but I call myself a Christian because I am. We don't homeschool for religious reasons. I have friends of all faiths and friends with no faith. I don't care as long as they're good people. Anyway, we have to start school at a decent hour.

I don't understand why when I worked, I could sleep at 10 and get up at 6. Now I can't. Is it lack of self-discipline? Is it fat related? Is that saying fat people are lazy true? HA! I don't think so, I'm anything but lazy.

Anyway, I know that a good regular sleep routine would do much for my health. It would help matters if I could get by on fewer hours, but I can't. I'm a grouchy tired person.

I'm hoping time will help this issue.

Thank you, Richard Simmons

For making your videos. You make exercise fun for me.

Yes, world, I just worked out to a 30-minute video. Started out great, thought it was only 20 minutes long, had a mini-tantrum in my brain when I realized it wasn't, kept pluggnig away, got really tired the last seven minutes. BUT...I did it.

I love Richard Simmons.

First Goal Met

I met my first goal of losing 5 pounds. 21 more of those to go. =)

In losing just six pounds, I also dropped my BMI from 47 to 46.

Emotionally I'm feeling very strong.

Physically--pretty much the same. This one will take time. I have lots of pain: back, bowel, joint, etc. I need to incorporate exercise, that will help with the pain.

I'm well on my way.

I'm very determined. I'm not going for vanity (although that's a nice benefit) I'm doing this to feel better. I want my blood work to be good. I want to have a strong, healthy heart. I want to have one pain-free day. And then another. And so on. I want to be healthy.

I'm doing this solely for me. In this case, it's good to be selfish.

Monday Weigh In-Day

276.5

Down 2!!! Woo-hooo!

Sliced Cheese

I'm working on my grocery list for this week, and I had planned on going to Hy-Vee instead of Wally World. The thing is, they only have Kraft 2% sliced cheese, and Wal-Mart has Borden's.

I will make an extra trip to Wal-Mart for the Borden's. It tastes that much better. Still a point a slice, it's cheesier. I think it might have a touch more fat in it. All I know is that it's good.

Will Power--I have it

Last night when it was time to cook supper, DH and I noticed the chicken was not thawed. He said, "Skip it, let's free-feed." We do that every once in awhile, everyone eats what they want.

I pulled a portion of baked ziti out of the freezer and microwaved it. Much better than a Lean Cuisine any day. We had two left over portions when I prepared it earlier this week, and I thought ahead to freeze individual servings. Great idea, and one I will continue. Less waste, and instant food if I need it.

Awhile after that, I had to make a phone call. While I was on the phone, my son asked if he could make a coffee cake. Egads. Yes, I said to him. And he did. While I was on the phone, the smell permeated the house. I was drooling. Oh my gosh, did that smell good. When it was finished, I took out a tablespoon, and took exactly a 1-tablespoon bite of the coffee cake and counted it as 1 point. I didn't point it, but I figured it was a good guess. lol It was delicious.

I watched my boys devour the cake. There's about one slice left this morning. I was okay with my one tablespoon bite, because I wanted to stay true to myself. And I did. They're always going to be preparing high-calorie goodies, and I might as well get used to that now.

Prior to starting up WW again, I'm sure I would have had 1/3 of that cake with a huge glass of milk. Now, I savored the flavor with that tiny bite and I was completely satisfied. Honestly.

Had they made no-bake cookies, it would have been harder for me. I need to prepare for that day, because it will come.

I was pleased with my will power and determination though.