When I visit with the gynecologist next week, I am going to ask for a hysterectomy.
I have fought his in my head, didn't want to lose my womb, the very thing that makes me a woman.
However, the pain I've experienced the last two years is doing me in.
This morning, in the middle of the cycle month, I woke up with bad cramps. They got worse as the day went on. I was on the couch the entire day. Ibuprofen was a joke, didn't touch the pain.
Hubby cooked supper and by the time it was ready, my uterus must have been spasming or something, but I was crying out--bawling and sometimes I screamed as I had surges of pain. Severe pain. We talked about going tot he emergency room, but I had no bleeding so figured it was just a spasm. Perhaps I should have gone for pain meds and to get checked, but I honestly didn't feel up to going out the door.
Now, finally, at the end of the day the cramps are mild.
I am one to aways eat my points unless I'm throwing up. Today I did not eat all my points nor am I going to. I'm going to go to bed and hopefully sleep through the night.
This just sucks. This is no life--maybe I should say no quality of life.
Done. Finished. Not going to have this pain any more.
I only hope and pray that it can be alleviated. If it can't, they darned well best give me some drugs, lots of 'em, high potency, knock-me-out kind, the most allowed by law. ha
Sorry to whine so much.
6.10.2009
6.09.2009
Funk Part 2
I've finished catching up on blogs. Wow, it appears I am not the only out there in a little funk. While it makes me sad that others go through this, it reassures me that it is just a part of life. Funks happen. It's how we deal with it that matters.
I must honestly admit that while I am in this funk, I am handling it better than I would have a few months ago. Much better. So I need to give myself credit for that.
One of the blogs I read, Merry Mary, wrote a post about motivation versus determination. She so nailed it. Motivation waxes and wanes, determination is forever. Determination is what counts.
This issue over my friend last night was about judgment. This friend is another low-carber. I have no problems with how people choose to eat, what plan they wish to follow, or the lifestyle they choose to lead. I do have a problem when they pass judgment on me and my personal choices. Live and let live. And she was in a meeting with other friends and making fun of what I ate, some of my choices, the fact that I eat baked chips and a few other things. She didn't like that I drink diet sodas. She didn't like that I eat cereal for breakfast. Yada, yada, yada. In a small town, stuff gets back to you fast.
That was hurtful because I don't judge her on her choices. I don't judge anyone on what they eat. (I do judge people, and it's on character--I'm human, not perfect.) The key to success, in my mind, is personalizing things to suit the individual. I started at 282.5. There is no way on God's green earth that I can make an instant switch from eating garbage, refined carbs, etc., to clean eating overnight. For me, it needs to be a gradual process. I have been making small changes each week. I eat much healthier than I did in February. The gradual changes ease me into it, enable me to succeed. The gradual changes build. Over time, health improves, tastes change, food choices are better.
To me, that's what it's all about. Changes, permanent changes. I'm not setting myself up to fail, I'm setting myself up to succeed.
So she can judge all she wants, I guess. This is my journey, I am making it mine in every aspect, doing what I need to succeed. I am determined. I am not perfect, and have never professed to being perfect. I'm doing it my way.
The one piece of advice I give everyone: Personalize, do it your way.
That doesn't mean I don't read, research, and continue to learn. I do! That's how I'm able to come up with small changes along the way. I do it at my pace, on my terms.
I'm kind of selfish in this regard, but I know deep down, I won't succeed unless I am selfish, unless I make changes on my terms and my timeline.
To me, that's a big part of the mental battle. You have to accept things, admit things, then be willing to change. That just can't happen overnight--at least for me it can't. It would just be too overwhelming.
Like setting small weight-loss goals, setting small change goals works. For me.
So I can hold my head up high, ignore the gossip, and not let it get to me. Five years from now it won't matter, but my work, what I am doing, will.
Staying strong, staying determined. That will get me through the funk. That will get me through life!
I must honestly admit that while I am in this funk, I am handling it better than I would have a few months ago. Much better. So I need to give myself credit for that.
One of the blogs I read, Merry Mary, wrote a post about motivation versus determination. She so nailed it. Motivation waxes and wanes, determination is forever. Determination is what counts.
This issue over my friend last night was about judgment. This friend is another low-carber. I have no problems with how people choose to eat, what plan they wish to follow, or the lifestyle they choose to lead. I do have a problem when they pass judgment on me and my personal choices. Live and let live. And she was in a meeting with other friends and making fun of what I ate, some of my choices, the fact that I eat baked chips and a few other things. She didn't like that I drink diet sodas. She didn't like that I eat cereal for breakfast. Yada, yada, yada. In a small town, stuff gets back to you fast.
That was hurtful because I don't judge her on her choices. I don't judge anyone on what they eat. (I do judge people, and it's on character--I'm human, not perfect.) The key to success, in my mind, is personalizing things to suit the individual. I started at 282.5. There is no way on God's green earth that I can make an instant switch from eating garbage, refined carbs, etc., to clean eating overnight. For me, it needs to be a gradual process. I have been making small changes each week. I eat much healthier than I did in February. The gradual changes ease me into it, enable me to succeed. The gradual changes build. Over time, health improves, tastes change, food choices are better.
To me, that's what it's all about. Changes, permanent changes. I'm not setting myself up to fail, I'm setting myself up to succeed.
So she can judge all she wants, I guess. This is my journey, I am making it mine in every aspect, doing what I need to succeed. I am determined. I am not perfect, and have never professed to being perfect. I'm doing it my way.
The one piece of advice I give everyone: Personalize, do it your way.
That doesn't mean I don't read, research, and continue to learn. I do! That's how I'm able to come up with small changes along the way. I do it at my pace, on my terms.
I'm kind of selfish in this regard, but I know deep down, I won't succeed unless I am selfish, unless I make changes on my terms and my timeline.
To me, that's a big part of the mental battle. You have to accept things, admit things, then be willing to change. That just can't happen overnight--at least for me it can't. It would just be too overwhelming.
Like setting small weight-loss goals, setting small change goals works. For me.
So I can hold my head up high, ignore the gossip, and not let it get to me. Five years from now it won't matter, but my work, what I am doing, will.
Staying strong, staying determined. That will get me through the funk. That will get me through life!
Funk
I am just in a nasty funk and going downhill fast.
I start to get better, then something happens and I'm full of negativity, feeling like crap emotionally.
I had a lot of pain today. "The pain" as I call it, whatever or wherever it stems from, I still don't know.
I did get off my lazy butt and exercise today. I did Richard Simmons' Boogie Down the Pounds. The pain flared up at times while working out, so I'd have to modify. I still got a good workout in and it was good to sweat.
I got really down tonight as I found out a friend had been humiliating me publicly. Oh joy, what a friend. I'm thick skinned and pretty tough, but it hurts nonetheless. I think it was jealousy over my weight loss. The good thing is that I'm a straight-forward person, and people who know me get the real deal, so the twisting of the truth--I think they'll see through it. I typically don't care what people think of me because I know I'm a good person. It's just no fun to be on the receiving end of BS.
I then called my best friend and we talked two hours. It was so nice because she rattled on most the time about her problems. Not that it's nice that she has problems, but it helps me put mine in perspective. Plus it gets my mind off my own.
I have not read blogs today. I always feel so behind when I don't do that. I like to read what people have to say. This is the greatest support network and I value it tremendously.
I had my mammogram today. I've been having the since I was 35 because my mom had breast cancer. I'm still not used to them, I don't enjoy having a tech touch my breasts, and having them smooshed. I am very stoic when I have these done--probably appearing rude. It's very uncomfortable for me--as it is with many women. I hope they understand that, as I do not like being rude. I am not a rude person.
After I left, I sat in my car. I am not a paranoid person at all. Given my funk, though, I got to thinking...that tech didn't look me in the eye when she came back in the room from looking at the pictures. hmmmm...Reading more into that than I need to? Hopefully. Mom was my age when she got cancer--I think. My son was the same age I was when mom got cancer, so maybe she was a year older. That's a scary thought.
I don't do stress well. And I'm stressed right now. The good thing is that the rest of the week I'm free, I don't have to go anywhere. So I think I'll do some spring cleaning, take my son for a long walk -- if the rain clears, and try to calm my butt down.
~~~~~
And the whole moral of this story is that even though I wish to live on an even keel, life isn't that way. There are ups and downs. Good times, bad times, happy times, sad times. Instead of using food to numb myself, I'm really feeling. Now I just need to learn to deal a little better.
Blog therapy. Just kibitzing about it helps.
I start to get better, then something happens and I'm full of negativity, feeling like crap emotionally.
I had a lot of pain today. "The pain" as I call it, whatever or wherever it stems from, I still don't know.
I did get off my lazy butt and exercise today. I did Richard Simmons' Boogie Down the Pounds. The pain flared up at times while working out, so I'd have to modify. I still got a good workout in and it was good to sweat.
I got really down tonight as I found out a friend had been humiliating me publicly. Oh joy, what a friend. I'm thick skinned and pretty tough, but it hurts nonetheless. I think it was jealousy over my weight loss. The good thing is that I'm a straight-forward person, and people who know me get the real deal, so the twisting of the truth--I think they'll see through it. I typically don't care what people think of me because I know I'm a good person. It's just no fun to be on the receiving end of BS.
I then called my best friend and we talked two hours. It was so nice because she rattled on most the time about her problems. Not that it's nice that she has problems, but it helps me put mine in perspective. Plus it gets my mind off my own.
I have not read blogs today. I always feel so behind when I don't do that. I like to read what people have to say. This is the greatest support network and I value it tremendously.
I had my mammogram today. I've been having the since I was 35 because my mom had breast cancer. I'm still not used to them, I don't enjoy having a tech touch my breasts, and having them smooshed. I am very stoic when I have these done--probably appearing rude. It's very uncomfortable for me--as it is with many women. I hope they understand that, as I do not like being rude. I am not a rude person.
After I left, I sat in my car. I am not a paranoid person at all. Given my funk, though, I got to thinking...that tech didn't look me in the eye when she came back in the room from looking at the pictures. hmmmm...Reading more into that than I need to? Hopefully. Mom was my age when she got cancer--I think. My son was the same age I was when mom got cancer, so maybe she was a year older. That's a scary thought.
I don't do stress well. And I'm stressed right now. The good thing is that the rest of the week I'm free, I don't have to go anywhere. So I think I'll do some spring cleaning, take my son for a long walk -- if the rain clears, and try to calm my butt down.
~~~~~
And the whole moral of this story is that even though I wish to live on an even keel, life isn't that way. There are ups and downs. Good times, bad times, happy times, sad times. Instead of using food to numb myself, I'm really feeling. Now I just need to learn to deal a little better.
Blog therapy. Just kibitzing about it helps.
6.08.2009
Monday Weigh-In Day
254
-.5
.5!!!
What? A stinking half pound, again? I had a little hissy fit on my scale this morning. Sheesh, I stay within points during a stressful week, and I only get rewarded a stinking half pound?
Calm down. Think. Think logically. Yes, Jo, it all adds up. It's not a race. A half pound is GREAT. And it is! Really!
My "measly" half-pound loss today put me at a total of 28.5 lost, which means:
I have lost 10% of my original body weight!
Moral of the story: Don't fret over small losses. They are all a part of the big picture.
What a happy surprise to discover I hit an important goal today, 10%.
-.5
.5!!!
What? A stinking half pound, again? I had a little hissy fit on my scale this morning. Sheesh, I stay within points during a stressful week, and I only get rewarded a stinking half pound?
Calm down. Think. Think logically. Yes, Jo, it all adds up. It's not a race. A half pound is GREAT. And it is! Really!
My "measly" half-pound loss today put me at a total of 28.5 lost, which means:
I have lost 10% of my original body weight!
Moral of the story: Don't fret over small losses. They are all a part of the big picture.
What a happy surprise to discover I hit an important goal today, 10%.
6.07.2009
I Can Do That!
This week's I Can Do That:
When I have a carb snack, I will match it and also eat a protein. I'll have to plan carefully points wise, but it's a start. I just don't feel full with protein snacks. So, according to one Prediabetes book I've read, the best thing to do is match a protein with a carb.
I can do that.
When I have a carb snack, I will match it and also eat a protein. I'll have to plan carefully points wise, but it's a start. I just don't feel full with protein snacks. So, according to one Prediabetes book I've read, the best thing to do is match a protein with a carb.
I can do that.
Menu Planning Week 17
1-Crockpot Cheeseburgers (Always on the menu!), Salad, Baked Fries
2-Italian Chicken, Brown Rice, Salad
3-Cola Chicken, Brown Rice, Salad
4-Steamed Chicken, Noodles, Salad
5-Spaghetti, Salad, French Bread (Sauce with TVP)
6-Hot Dogs*, Baked Chips, Salad, Cantaloupe
7-Burgers, Baked Beans, Fresh Corn on the Cob, Salad, Cantaloupe
(In no particular order!)
Fruit: Apples, Cantaloupe, Bananas, Will pick up a watermelon
Snacks: Fruit, Ice Cream Sandwiches, Frozen Pretzels, Salad
Lunches: Sandwiches (tuna and deli meat, I just can't eat tuna daily), fruit, sometimes baked chips, salad
Breakfast: Kellogg's Bran Flakes and Fiber One Cereal, 1% Milk
*My boys like regular hot dogs, I've been picking up Hebrew 97% Fat Free Hot Dogs for me. Hubby doesn't like those as he thinks they are too garlicky.
~~~~~
I did things backwards this week. I went to the grocery store last night and just kind of "winged it." That means no new recipes to try, but our same, maybe boring, but safe standbys.
2-Italian Chicken, Brown Rice, Salad
3-Cola Chicken, Brown Rice, Salad
4-Steamed Chicken, Noodles, Salad
5-Spaghetti, Salad, French Bread (Sauce with TVP)
6-Hot Dogs*, Baked Chips, Salad, Cantaloupe
7-Burgers, Baked Beans, Fresh Corn on the Cob, Salad, Cantaloupe
(In no particular order!)
Fruit: Apples, Cantaloupe, Bananas, Will pick up a watermelon
Snacks: Fruit, Ice Cream Sandwiches, Frozen Pretzels, Salad
Lunches: Sandwiches (tuna and deli meat, I just can't eat tuna daily), fruit, sometimes baked chips, salad
Breakfast: Kellogg's Bran Flakes and Fiber One Cereal, 1% Milk
*My boys like regular hot dogs, I've been picking up Hebrew 97% Fat Free Hot Dogs for me. Hubby doesn't like those as he thinks they are too garlicky.
~~~~~
I did things backwards this week. I went to the grocery store last night and just kind of "winged it." That means no new recipes to try, but our same, maybe boring, but safe standbys.
Happy Birthday, Mom
Mom and me.
If my Mom were alive, she'd be 75 today. She's been gone for 16 years now. I miss her. We had ups, downs, troubles, but lots of love.
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