Yesterday I mentioned Student Council and Honor Society. Neither thing was germane to what was talking about, I but wrote about them to push myself. I never acknowledge that part of my life. It's not like it comes up in conversation, but even in my own mind, I try to run from it.
The reason is pretty stupid, and yesterday was a great day of thought for me. I figured it all out.
When I finished high school, I wanted to go to UNC in Greeley to be a teacher. The thing was, my mom was ill. Very ill. She had heart disease, she had had breast cancer, she had gall bladder issues, she developed diabetes--you name it, she had it. I now know she also had mental issues. While my friends were all going off to dorms, establishing their independence, something I desperately longed for, I made the choice to stay at home to take care of mom. With that choice came community college as opposed to a "real school."
I received a full-tuition scholarship, and off I went. I had two part-time jobs, I was very active and pretty happy. I was the joiner, happily so. I joined student council the first year, and the second year I was elected president. I had no idea what I was doing. It was a learn-real-quick deal. I bumbled, embarrassed myself, but muddled through. Through that, I helped a member of the faculty start the honor society, Phi Theta Kappa--the honor society for community and junior colleges. So something good came of it.
When I was elected president, the newspaper interviewed me. The entire front page was about me. My picture and the interview. It wasn't bad. My mom sent a copy of that to my brother, and he ripped me to shreds. His words stripped away any confidence I had, made me feel like an idiot, and broke my heart. I never spoke about that again. I was embarrassed.
As an adult looking back on the situation, I'd like to smack that brother on the head several times. I look back to a young girl who was fearless. I wanted to make a difference in the world and I was doing that. I made mistakes, and I actually am embarrassed over some things I did, but by golly, I faced my fears and went for it. I learned on the way. I did it. I wish I would have seen that then.
When I finished the community college, I was going to move to Greeley. Nope, mom didn't want that. She wanted me to be a court reporter. She held purse strings, she held massive control over me, and so I did what she wanted. I had saved a bunch of money, and because I did what she wanted, she paid half my tuition, I paid the other half. I finished the 2-year program in 18 months. At 21 1/2, I finally moved away from home--400 miles away from home. Then my life really started.
No regrets, things worked out the way they should. But I look back to what should be happy memories and cringe. Now I realize that one should never, ever let someone else's opinion be more valuable than one's own.
Now I know my brother was jealous and was being mean. His character over the past 20years has shown -- well, that he has no character. He's a cruel person. He's miserable. Why on earth would I let someone take away from me like that? Why did I give him so much power?
Life's short. Trust yourself. Ask for advice from trusted friends, but the bottom line is we should always follow our own heart.
I think that was the first time that my confidence got stripped. I think that was the beginning of my negative thinking, my lack of confidence. I think that set me up for 20+ years of putting myself down in my own mind. I'm not good enough, I'm not smart enough, I have two stupid Associates Degrees and not a Bachelors, etc.
The buck stops here. No more. It's right to live in the moment, but I think sometimes we really need to look to our past to find answers. That was really a profound thinking therapy session for me. I learned I gave my power away.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. Bull. Words do hurt. The trick is to believe your own words, the words in your heart, not those of others. That is true power.
~~~
I'm very proud I have two Associates Degrees and I had a very good education at my little community college! I've always known this, but could never acknowledge it. Now I can.
Two steps forward!
8.05.2009
8.04.2009
Reflective
I haven't gotten anything constructive done this morning. I started reading blogs, and Sean's stopped me in my tracks. He mentioned donating blood and that brought back a host of memories for me.
I used to be...
I used to volunteer a lot. My high school and college years I was always giving my time. I volunteered at our local blood bank weekly, plus organized the largest high school blood drive in the state of Colorado two years in a row. (I shouldn't take full credit for that, but I chaired it.) I was so productive then. I was president of Key Club in high school and we did a lot of service projects. In college, I was president of our honor society, student council and German club. lol at German club. I did things. I made a difference in people's lives. I volunteered at nursing homes, with Special Olympics, with food banks, with all kinds of things. I was a candy striper.
I loved it. I loved giving. I was shy and introverted, but that was my niche, how I was able to open up and reach out.
I debated writing all that stuff on the blog, because I don't typically admit that there are things that I am good at. I am an organizer. I can be a leader in the right environment, and a leader with very good skills. I can motivate people. I can take the heat when people get upset. I am a doer. I get the job done and done well. I do not have a dynamic personalty, I'm not a good front man, but I can get in front of a crowd and speak. I don't like doing that anymore, but I can do it.
At least I used to be that. When I was that, I was happy. There's nothing more heartwarming than making someone smile, making a small difference in someone's life.
Somewhere along the line I morphed into a middle-aged housewife complete with anxiety, lack of self-confidence and obesity.
I have not done a lot of volunteering in the past decade. We spent a short time with the local Humane Society, but quit. I have volunteered for the library a little, but nothing worth mentioning and nothing that made a difference. I was my son's Cub Scouts den leader from Wolf To Webelos. I gave those boys an awesome experience with everything meticulously planned and carried out. They deserved and received a good program, learned a lot and even had fun along the way.
But here I am again, giving nothing. Maybe that is why I feel hollow sometimes, because it's not my nature to not give. In the past few years, I don't know that I had anything to give--getting through a day was hard enough. Obesity takes so much away--steals our lives, our joys. How can one volunteer when she can't even bend over to tie her shoes or gets out of breath walking from a car to a building?
Then it occurred to me: Perhaps right now I need to volunteer to help ME. Maybe I need two years to re-invent Jo, get healthier, learn good habits, improve, strive to make a difference in my own life. Am I worth the effort? Of course. Maybe the past six months and the future 18 or so months I am supposed to reconnect with myself. It sounds simple, it sounds selfish, but it's not.
I hadn't thought of all the volunteering I used to do in a very long time. I am proud of all I did. I miss it. Maybe by spending time on me, putting that oxygen mask on me first, then I can get back to helping others.
Obviously my time now is needed in raising my son, being a mom. That's a very important task, and with the homeschooling, it takes up a majority of my time. And I give that lovingly. However, maybe there is some synchronicity in this popping into my brain right now. My son is also shy and introverted, like both his parents. He's an awful lot like me, though, and wants to make the world a better place. Perhaps it's time to do something together, because I think he would thrive finding an outlet to give to others.
Losing weight is opening up a world of possibilities. It's a re-awakening process. As I continue to "volunteer for myself," I can add other things. I have more energy now to do so and I know the future I'll be feeling even better.
Like Sean, who was able to donate blood for the first time due to his weight loss and improved health, my weight loss and improved health is opening the door to more. The possibilities are endless. Now, to find the right outlets.
I used to be...
I used to volunteer a lot. My high school and college years I was always giving my time. I volunteered at our local blood bank weekly, plus organized the largest high school blood drive in the state of Colorado two years in a row. (I shouldn't take full credit for that, but I chaired it.) I was so productive then. I was president of Key Club in high school and we did a lot of service projects. In college, I was president of our honor society, student council and German club. lol at German club. I did things. I made a difference in people's lives. I volunteered at nursing homes, with Special Olympics, with food banks, with all kinds of things. I was a candy striper.
I loved it. I loved giving. I was shy and introverted, but that was my niche, how I was able to open up and reach out.
I debated writing all that stuff on the blog, because I don't typically admit that there are things that I am good at. I am an organizer. I can be a leader in the right environment, and a leader with very good skills. I can motivate people. I can take the heat when people get upset. I am a doer. I get the job done and done well. I do not have a dynamic personalty, I'm not a good front man, but I can get in front of a crowd and speak. I don't like doing that anymore, but I can do it.
At least I used to be that. When I was that, I was happy. There's nothing more heartwarming than making someone smile, making a small difference in someone's life.
Somewhere along the line I morphed into a middle-aged housewife complete with anxiety, lack of self-confidence and obesity.
I have not done a lot of volunteering in the past decade. We spent a short time with the local Humane Society, but quit. I have volunteered for the library a little, but nothing worth mentioning and nothing that made a difference. I was my son's Cub Scouts den leader from Wolf To Webelos. I gave those boys an awesome experience with everything meticulously planned and carried out. They deserved and received a good program, learned a lot and even had fun along the way.
But here I am again, giving nothing. Maybe that is why I feel hollow sometimes, because it's not my nature to not give. In the past few years, I don't know that I had anything to give--getting through a day was hard enough. Obesity takes so much away--steals our lives, our joys. How can one volunteer when she can't even bend over to tie her shoes or gets out of breath walking from a car to a building?
Then it occurred to me: Perhaps right now I need to volunteer to help ME. Maybe I need two years to re-invent Jo, get healthier, learn good habits, improve, strive to make a difference in my own life. Am I worth the effort? Of course. Maybe the past six months and the future 18 or so months I am supposed to reconnect with myself. It sounds simple, it sounds selfish, but it's not.
I hadn't thought of all the volunteering I used to do in a very long time. I am proud of all I did. I miss it. Maybe by spending time on me, putting that oxygen mask on me first, then I can get back to helping others.
Obviously my time now is needed in raising my son, being a mom. That's a very important task, and with the homeschooling, it takes up a majority of my time. And I give that lovingly. However, maybe there is some synchronicity in this popping into my brain right now. My son is also shy and introverted, like both his parents. He's an awful lot like me, though, and wants to make the world a better place. Perhaps it's time to do something together, because I think he would thrive finding an outlet to give to others.
Losing weight is opening up a world of possibilities. It's a re-awakening process. As I continue to "volunteer for myself," I can add other things. I have more energy now to do so and I know the future I'll be feeling even better.
Like Sean, who was able to donate blood for the first time due to his weight loss and improved health, my weight loss and improved health is opening the door to more. The possibilities are endless. Now, to find the right outlets.
8.03.2009
Hmm..
The day started out great with a good, healthy loss and then it went to hell in a handbasket. My mom used to use that phrase.
*$600 in car repairs--and dang, it went on the credit card because I had only budgeted for $200, which is what it would have cost had they not found other problems. grrr
*car needs new tires in a few months or so $$$
*phone ringing off the hook
*gas company showing up unexpectedly to put a new meter on and needing in the house right as I was leaving, which screwed up my produce shopping plans--no salad for dinner (Why can't they be civilized and schedule these things instead of just showing up???)
*hubby discretely putting dinner down the disposal, but not discretely enough that I didn't catch him--that really hurt my feelings, especially because I eat his stupid roasts all the time and I wouldn't be upset if I never had roast again in my life
*errands up the ying yang (another phrase my mom used to use. I don't even know what a ying yang is.)
*spent an eternity trying to find the bulb to prime the mower to get it started--and many neighbors were out. There is no bulb, just a choke. Ahem.
*everyone disappearing after dinner to hang in the basement on their computers. Sometimes I think I'd be less lonely if I wasn't married. lol I could have called up a friend, but I didn't.
*swept my kitchen floor three times because the dogs are shedding. grrr
The house just felt trashed to me, even though the kitchen was good. Hubby said, "Wow, you really got a lot done today." I looked around the messy living room and thought he was out of his mind. I guess I did get stuff done today, but not what I had planned.
*didn't exercise. Again. I sure was on the go, though.
~~~
There was one funny today, though. We picked up two new cable boxes. We ordered them when the new cable company took over, but they didn't have them available. Today they were, so we went and got them. Hubby had taken the kitchen box into our bedroom.
My son set up the new cable boxes. He was asking me where the cable was that hooked the box to the TV in the kitchen. I responded:
Your dad took the hooker into the bedroom.
Crickets.
Then we both burst out laughing. I didn't say that on purpose, it was just the idiotic thing that popped out of my mouth. And aside from the great weigh-in today, that was the highlight of my day.
Tomorrow hubby will be happy, we're having roast for dinner. :-p~~~~
*$600 in car repairs--and dang, it went on the credit card because I had only budgeted for $200, which is what it would have cost had they not found other problems. grrr
*car needs new tires in a few months or so $$$
*phone ringing off the hook
*gas company showing up unexpectedly to put a new meter on and needing in the house right as I was leaving, which screwed up my produce shopping plans--no salad for dinner (Why can't they be civilized and schedule these things instead of just showing up???)
*hubby discretely putting dinner down the disposal, but not discretely enough that I didn't catch him--that really hurt my feelings, especially because I eat his stupid roasts all the time and I wouldn't be upset if I never had roast again in my life
*errands up the ying yang (another phrase my mom used to use. I don't even know what a ying yang is.)
*spent an eternity trying to find the bulb to prime the mower to get it started--and many neighbors were out. There is no bulb, just a choke. Ahem.
*everyone disappearing after dinner to hang in the basement on their computers. Sometimes I think I'd be less lonely if I wasn't married. lol I could have called up a friend, but I didn't.
*swept my kitchen floor three times because the dogs are shedding. grrr
The house just felt trashed to me, even though the kitchen was good. Hubby said, "Wow, you really got a lot done today." I looked around the messy living room and thought he was out of his mind. I guess I did get stuff done today, but not what I had planned.
*didn't exercise. Again. I sure was on the go, though.
~~~
There was one funny today, though. We picked up two new cable boxes. We ordered them when the new cable company took over, but they didn't have them available. Today they were, so we went and got them. Hubby had taken the kitchen box into our bedroom.
My son set up the new cable boxes. He was asking me where the cable was that hooked the box to the TV in the kitchen. I responded:
Your dad took the hooker into the bedroom.
Crickets.
Then we both burst out laughing. I didn't say that on purpose, it was just the idiotic thing that popped out of my mouth. And aside from the great weigh-in today, that was the highlight of my day.
Tomorrow hubby will be happy, we're having roast for dinner. :-p~~~~
Celebrating a Blogging Friend!
Stephen at Who Ate My Blog has lost 100 pounds as of this morning! If you haven't visited him, pop on over and wish him congratulations!
Way to go, Stephen!!!
WHO ATE MY BLOG?: 100 lb Loss Milestone#comment-form#comment-form#comment-form#comment-form
Way to go, Stephen!!!
WHO ATE MY BLOG?: 100 lb Loss Milestone#comment-form#comment-form#comment-form#comment-form
Monday Morning Weigh-In
I'm up super early today--Pip woke me up, plus I have to take my car to the shop.
Today's weight: 243.
That's -2 pounds from last week.
I'm thrilled!
This past week, both my husband and I noticed my hip area and stomach were noticeably smaller than before. I felt it but didn't say anything. When he mentioned seeing it, I was psyched. =)
Today's weight: 243.
That's -2 pounds from last week.
I'm thrilled!
This past week, both my husband and I noticed my hip area and stomach were noticeably smaller than before. I felt it but didn't say anything. When he mentioned seeing it, I was psyched. =)
8.02.2009
That Made Me Cry
I'm sitting in my kitchen with the TV on sending emails. The Twin Cities news comes on and there's the story about Jen's mom. I look up to watch, see Jen, watch the whole segment, and just had tears pouring down my face. While the film crew was there, the man who hit her came to apologize. Jen's dad hugged him and forgave him.
My heart just aches. I was saying prayers for the man that hit Jen's mom as well. I cannot imagine being in his shoes. The biggest mistake of his life, a mistake that was deadly. The news said that Jen's mom had earphones on and was in a blind spot. Be careful out walking and jogging. I don't think I'll use my Shuffle when I walk due to this--not that that caused it, but just as a precaution. It said he will probably not be charged. Be careful walking, be careful backing up.
Just made me cry. Watching Jen's family, I was so moved. The beautiful grandson who was with his Grandma Kimberly was on my screen. A happy, bouncy one-year-old, the beautiful boy whose can thank his grandma for saving his life.
At first I saw Jen's picture with her mom and her entire family, but when they showed the family in their yard, I couldn't even see if Jen was there--too many tears in my eyes.
I tried to avoid the Cities' news this weekend. I live a couple hours from the Twin Cities, but we get their channels. It was just surreal to have my online life touch my real life through the television. I was so impressed with Jen's family. You can just tell they are such good people.
Oh, my heart aches for them.
The station was Fox 9, here's a link to the station, although I didn't see the segment on their site. They may put it up after the news is finished.
I read Jen's blog, but I don't "know" her--I don't comment on her blog. I wish there was something tangible I could do for her, for her family. I've sure said plenty of prayers for them this weekend.
Updated: Here is a link to the video. I watched it again, and this time I did see Jen. I need another Kleenex.
My heart just aches. I was saying prayers for the man that hit Jen's mom as well. I cannot imagine being in his shoes. The biggest mistake of his life, a mistake that was deadly. The news said that Jen's mom had earphones on and was in a blind spot. Be careful out walking and jogging. I don't think I'll use my Shuffle when I walk due to this--not that that caused it, but just as a precaution. It said he will probably not be charged. Be careful walking, be careful backing up.
Just made me cry. Watching Jen's family, I was so moved. The beautiful grandson who was with his Grandma Kimberly was on my screen. A happy, bouncy one-year-old, the beautiful boy whose can thank his grandma for saving his life.
At first I saw Jen's picture with her mom and her entire family, but when they showed the family in their yard, I couldn't even see if Jen was there--too many tears in my eyes.
I tried to avoid the Cities' news this weekend. I live a couple hours from the Twin Cities, but we get their channels. It was just surreal to have my online life touch my real life through the television. I was so impressed with Jen's family. You can just tell they are such good people.
Oh, my heart aches for them.
The station was Fox 9, here's a link to the station, although I didn't see the segment on their site. They may put it up after the news is finished.
I read Jen's blog, but I don't "know" her--I don't comment on her blog. I wish there was something tangible I could do for her, for her family. I've sure said plenty of prayers for them this weekend.
Updated: Here is a link to the video. I watched it again, and this time I did see Jen. I need another Kleenex.
Sunday Snoozing
I had a rough day yesterday. I just felt like crap the whole day. I didn't do a thing. My eating was horrible--within points, but not balanced. (Popcorn and Cabot's reduced fat cheddar for supper!!!) I forgot vegetables existed. I came in 2 points under target, though. Not good, but not the end of the world, either.
I think I was just tired. Two weekends ago I had the surgery, last weekend we did that massive amount of work--and this weekend it just all caught up with me. So, I did nothing, watched a few movies, lied in bed and rested. It felt good. I slept late this morning, which also felt good.
Today I'm feeling much better. Have done a little housework, caught up on blogs, and am about to start working on the house again. My husband has been busy at work cutting a hole in our siding, scaring me! He's replacing our back door with a larger door. We've had the new door in our garage waiting for a year or two. It was a task that scared him, too.
I need to hit the grocery store. My list is made. I need to workout today. It's warmer, so I don't know if I'll walk or pop in a Richard Simmons video. I also need to sit down and work out a strength training schedule with the videos I have. I also need to set some new mini-goals, my I-Can-Do-That's. I haven't done one of those for awhile.
I plan on making baked ziti for supper. I want to tell my family how much I love and appreciate them. Jen's mom's death really touched me, as it did the entire weight-loss blogging community. I was so impressed with all the posts reaching out to her and the comments on her blog. I have always known this is a great online community.
Life is precious.
I think I was just tired. Two weekends ago I had the surgery, last weekend we did that massive amount of work--and this weekend it just all caught up with me. So, I did nothing, watched a few movies, lied in bed and rested. It felt good. I slept late this morning, which also felt good.
Today I'm feeling much better. Have done a little housework, caught up on blogs, and am about to start working on the house again. My husband has been busy at work cutting a hole in our siding, scaring me! He's replacing our back door with a larger door. We've had the new door in our garage waiting for a year or two. It was a task that scared him, too.
I need to hit the grocery store. My list is made. I need to workout today. It's warmer, so I don't know if I'll walk or pop in a Richard Simmons video. I also need to sit down and work out a strength training schedule with the videos I have. I also need to set some new mini-goals, my I-Can-Do-That's. I haven't done one of those for awhile.
I plan on making baked ziti for supper. I want to tell my family how much I love and appreciate them. Jen's mom's death really touched me, as it did the entire weight-loss blogging community. I was so impressed with all the posts reaching out to her and the comments on her blog. I have always known this is a great online community.
Life is precious.
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