Reflective

I haven't gotten anything constructive done this morning. I started reading blogs, and Sean's stopped me in my tracks. He mentioned donating blood and that brought back a host of memories for me.

I used to be...

I used to volunteer a lot. My high school and college years I was always giving my time. I volunteered at our local blood bank weekly, plus organized the largest high school blood drive in the state of Colorado two years in a row. (I shouldn't take full credit for that, but I chaired it.) I was so productive then. I was president of Key Club in high school and we did a lot of service projects. In college, I was president of our honor society, student council and German club. lol at German club. I did things. I made a difference in people's lives. I volunteered at nursing homes, with Special Olympics, with food banks, with all kinds of things. I was a candy striper.

I loved it. I loved giving. I was shy and introverted, but that was my niche, how I was able to open up and reach out.

I debated writing all that stuff on the blog, because I don't typically admit that there are things that I am good at. I am an organizer. I can be a leader in the right environment, and a leader with very good skills. I can motivate people. I can take the heat when people get upset. I am a doer. I get the job done and done well. I do not have a dynamic personalty, I'm not a good front man, but I can get in front of a crowd and speak. I don't like doing that anymore, but I can do it.

At least I used to be that. When I was that, I was happy. There's nothing more heartwarming than making someone smile, making a small difference in someone's life.

Somewhere along the line I morphed into a middle-aged housewife complete with anxiety, lack of self-confidence and obesity.

I have not done a lot of volunteering in the past decade. We spent a short time with the local Humane Society, but quit. I have volunteered for the library a little, but nothing worth mentioning and nothing that made a difference. I was my son's Cub Scouts den leader from Wolf To Webelos. I gave those boys an awesome experience with everything meticulously planned and carried out. They deserved and received a good program, learned a lot and even had fun along the way.

But here I am again, giving nothing. Maybe that is why I feel hollow sometimes, because it's not my nature to not give. In the past few years, I don't know that I had anything to give--getting through a day was hard enough. Obesity takes so much away--steals our lives, our joys. How can one volunteer when she can't even bend over to tie her shoes or gets out of breath walking from a car to a building?

Then it occurred to me: Perhaps right now I need to volunteer to help ME. Maybe I need two years to re-invent Jo, get healthier, learn good habits, improve, strive to make a difference in my own life. Am I worth the effort? Of course. Maybe the past six months and the future 18 or so months I am supposed to reconnect with myself. It sounds simple, it sounds selfish, but it's not.

I hadn't thought of all the volunteering I used to do in a very long time. I am proud of all I did. I miss it. Maybe by spending time on me, putting that oxygen mask on me first, then I can get back to helping others.

Obviously my time now is needed in raising my son, being a mom. That's a very important task, and with the homeschooling, it takes up a majority of my time. And I give that lovingly. However, maybe there is some synchronicity in this popping into my brain right now. My son is also shy and introverted, like both his parents. He's an awful lot like me, though, and wants to make the world a better place. Perhaps it's time to do something together, because I think he would thrive finding an outlet to give to others.

Losing weight is opening up a world of possibilities. It's a re-awakening process. As I continue to "volunteer for myself," I can add other things. I have more energy now to do so and I know the future I'll be feeling even better.

Like Sean, who was able to donate blood for the first time due to his weight loss and improved health, my weight loss and improved health is opening the door to more. The possibilities are endless. Now, to find the right outlets.