It's been too long since I blogged.
I've been in a lot of emotional pain. Depression really bad again. I went to the doctor, tried another anti-depressant and he said he wanted me to see a therapist. Grrrrrrr. I'd gone to a few counselors in the past and it was a waste of time. However, I was hurting SO bad I went last week.
Diagnosos: PSTD, post traumatic stress disorder and Acute Stress Disorder. Three people involved, but one did the extreme damage.
Lovely. I think that's why my weight loss stopped. I got to a point that I all those layers had shed away and I was exposed. It was time to figure out WHY I got that way to begin with. Things happen for a reason, and while this depression SUCKS, it's for the better because I am getting help now.
PTSD is pretty serious, and it explains my sleep issues, my fear issues, my lack of confidence, my--well, almost everything. Life changed a few years ago and it's time to get better and take it back. I've done the work for the physical part, I still have some left to go, but I've lots over 100 pounds and improved my fitness. Now it's time to take care of the inside.
Speaking of physical, I'm teaching myself to run. I have a 5K I want to do in July. I am terrible at running, I don't know if I'm going to be able to run the 5K or not. I just do my best. Never ever thought I'd do that, but it's for some people I met recently who lost their son in the war and I love them to pieces and it means a lot for me to do this. So in his name, Jon, I will give it my all.
4.27.2012
3.05.2012
It's March
For someone who suffers from seasonal depression, March is one of the greatest things. It means warm temps on the way, it means spring, it means sunshine, it means relief!
I'm feeling better. I'm not 100%, but I feel it lifting. I'm getting more productive. I'm getting there.
I had recently tried to do a Kick Ass Challenge. The depression was too much and it was not the right time. I just recently joined a challenge that supports our military and is raising money to fight PTSD. Huge incentive for me, I want to help our brave warriors who give so much. So I'm feeling VERY fired up.
The game plan:
The Skogg System
I had SO MUCH success with this program this past fall, it's time to do another rotation! I will also do a few of the weight machines at the gym and will do cardio there, too.
Exciting news for me: At the gym the other night, I was surrounded by people jogging and I got a little competitive. I upped the pace on the treadmill and DID IT. I jogged 2 minutes, then slowed it down and walked 2 minutes. I did this off and on for a half hour. WOW Never ever thought I could. I had two mantras during to keep me going: I can do anything for a minute. When that minute was up, I switched to CRUSH IT.
So I'm fired up, it's spring, and it's time to get the ball rolling!!!
Let's all crush it!
I'm feeling better. I'm not 100%, but I feel it lifting. I'm getting more productive. I'm getting there.
I had recently tried to do a Kick Ass Challenge. The depression was too much and it was not the right time. I just recently joined a challenge that supports our military and is raising money to fight PTSD. Huge incentive for me, I want to help our brave warriors who give so much. So I'm feeling VERY fired up.
The game plan:
The Skogg System
I had SO MUCH success with this program this past fall, it's time to do another rotation! I will also do a few of the weight machines at the gym and will do cardio there, too.
Exciting news for me: At the gym the other night, I was surrounded by people jogging and I got a little competitive. I upped the pace on the treadmill and DID IT. I jogged 2 minutes, then slowed it down and walked 2 minutes. I did this off and on for a half hour. WOW Never ever thought I could. I had two mantras during to keep me going: I can do anything for a minute. When that minute was up, I switched to CRUSH IT.
So I'm fired up, it's spring, and it's time to get the ball rolling!!!
Let's all crush it!
2.21.2012
Health
Sometimes taking care of your health involves more than counting calories and worrying about losing weight.
This SAD has been awful and I did start taking an antidepressant. It has "kicked in" and put me in a very groggy state. I'm playing around now with timing of taking the medication. I have also cut the pill in half, which helped for a bit. I had a bad wave of depression hit me tonight, so I took a full pill again.
I want so badly to get the last 30ish pounds off. Right now I'm holding steady at 175, which is okay. Right now the focus is to get the chemicals in my brain balanced.
My journey has always been about health. Right now the SAD takes priority.
That said, it's important to keep working out. I've been keeping up with my walking. Sometimes I go to the gym, sometimes I work out at home. It's funny, I joined the gym to be around people and get out of my comfort zone. That has happened. It's nice to smile at people, chat in the dressing room, and have a bit of small talk while on a machine. However, there aren't always people around when I work out. It can be very lonely. I do get a better strength workout at the gym than what I do at home because there is more equipment. That said, working out at home to DVDs is great, too. I like the cardio better. I like the fact that I'm not alone--there are people doing the same thing with me, even though they're on film. LOL
The two together are a nice mix. Balance.
In other news, my husband and I were invited to test for our first stripe in karate. That will happen in about two weeks. I've come a long way, baby. When I started this blog three years ago, I never would have dreamed I'd be in karate. I love it. It's hard, it's out of my comfort zone, it's very foreign. Yet here I am, learning, meeting new people, and succeeding.
It's amazing how life has changed in the past three years.
This SAD has been awful and I did start taking an antidepressant. It has "kicked in" and put me in a very groggy state. I'm playing around now with timing of taking the medication. I have also cut the pill in half, which helped for a bit. I had a bad wave of depression hit me tonight, so I took a full pill again.
I want so badly to get the last 30ish pounds off. Right now I'm holding steady at 175, which is okay. Right now the focus is to get the chemicals in my brain balanced.
My journey has always been about health. Right now the SAD takes priority.
That said, it's important to keep working out. I've been keeping up with my walking. Sometimes I go to the gym, sometimes I work out at home. It's funny, I joined the gym to be around people and get out of my comfort zone. That has happened. It's nice to smile at people, chat in the dressing room, and have a bit of small talk while on a machine. However, there aren't always people around when I work out. It can be very lonely. I do get a better strength workout at the gym than what I do at home because there is more equipment. That said, working out at home to DVDs is great, too. I like the cardio better. I like the fact that I'm not alone--there are people doing the same thing with me, even though they're on film. LOL
The two together are a nice mix. Balance.
In other news, my husband and I were invited to test for our first stripe in karate. That will happen in about two weeks. I've come a long way, baby. When I started this blog three years ago, I never would have dreamed I'd be in karate. I love it. It's hard, it's out of my comfort zone, it's very foreign. Yet here I am, learning, meeting new people, and succeeding.
It's amazing how life has changed in the past three years.
1.23.2012
Kick Ass Challenge Day 8
I think it's day 8.
Down 1 pound.
It was a difficult week. Getting to the calorie target I wanted was rough. I've had two days in a row in my range of 1400-1600. I'm doing good today. It just takes a few days to get used to it and then I'm good to go.
Spirits have been very low. The SAD is bad. Feeling a bit better today, but still kind of lifeless.
Too darned cold to hit the gym so I plan on doing a workout here. Don't know which, yet, but I'll hit it hard whatever I choose. (Probably a Skogg kettlebell workout.)
That's that.
Crush it. Keep on keepin' on. Moving forward. I want to see the 160s soon! And beyond!
Down 1 pound.
It was a difficult week. Getting to the calorie target I wanted was rough. I've had two days in a row in my range of 1400-1600. I'm doing good today. It just takes a few days to get used to it and then I'm good to go.
Spirits have been very low. The SAD is bad. Feeling a bit better today, but still kind of lifeless.
Too darned cold to hit the gym so I plan on doing a workout here. Don't know which, yet, but I'll hit it hard whatever I choose. (Probably a Skogg kettlebell workout.)
That's that.
Crush it. Keep on keepin' on. Moving forward. I want to see the 160s soon! And beyond!
1.20.2012
Kick Ass Challenge Day 4
Rough day.
Very down, very mopey. I hate this. The Ambien generic did not make me fall asleep, but I did sleep through the night. That's a huge deal. I'm just waiting for it to kick in now--or until I get sleepier. I was in bed, then got up. There's a limit to the tossing and turning.
Karate was awful tonight. The brown belts, who are both teenagers around 15-16, taught hubby and I plus the little kids. All we did was go through the basic 26. They didn't remember the basic 26. DH and I have been practicing and DID know them. They were showing us wrong on many of them. They were quiet, I couldn't hear their directives, I could not hear their counts, and it was awful. They like to correct me. This is something I have noticed happening on a frequent basis. The only girl in class gets picked on. The funny thing is? I watch DH and the other white belts and they may make the same mistake I do or even more. I've been watching DH and I hate to admit it, but I'm more polished on our kata and our basic 25 and the tuite (spg?) than he is! He never ever gets corrected by the lower belts. I do. I asked him to watch, because I feared I was being a bit paranoid, and he agreed. Gee, it's like I have to work three times harder than anyone else. I don't mind being corrected, but I do mind being singled out.
Anyway, when we were about done, I was so frustrated and flabbergasted. Hubby and I kept shooting looks toward one another. After class we talked about how messed up it was. I got to the point I was so upset--because I'm down to begin with--that I excused myself to use the restroom. I then got dressed. It was no good, I wasn't going to learn anything, and I was about in tears. I went back, told DH I wasn't feeling well, then went and sat in the car listening to my iPod.
Poor behavior? I don't know. I found the whole class a waste of my time. The kids need to learn leadership, it's part of the karate. Yet when two adults in the class get so befuddled from it, is it worth it? And I had to ask many, many times for them to speak up. They'd start to do something and I didn't hear what we were doing. So I'd have to watch to see what move then I'd get called on it, they'd stop to show me the move--which I knew and did very well last class when I could hear the instructions. I don't know. I wasn't happy. It's part of karate, but I wasn't in the mindset to have that happen tonight. I'm there to learn and all I learned was I have little patience and don't appreciate sexism.
Over about 400 on calories. Damn it. I've gone over my food journals the past couple weeks. I get darned hungry about an hour before dinner and about an hour after dinner. That's where I'm messing up. So I need to do SOMETHING to keep myself occupied during those times--or at least during one of those times to eliminate that snack. That shouldn't be too difficult now that I've pinpointed the problem. Both times are sleepy times for me. Will work on it.
Didn't quite hit my 20,000 steps today. That's because I was feeling low and snuggled up in bed a few times. I kept hoping I'd wake up and it would be April. That didn't happen. Instead I woke up and it was still below zero with a nasty windchill.
Positives: NOT gaining weight. This is when I started gaining last year. This year I am very aware and being very careful. Going over my food journal.
Work harder, kid, crush it.
As I sat in the car tonight during karate, I made my decision. I will start the anti-depressant tomorrow. I have to. This is not living. Walking out of karate class is not cool, not my typical behavior. Moping all day, having a good day then bad day then good day--it's not a quality life. If a pill can improve the chemicals in my brain, great. I'm going to give it a go. It should take three weeks to kick in. I have my fingers crossed.
Tomorrow is another day. I know what and when to watch out. I think I'll crush it tomorrow.
Very down, very mopey. I hate this. The Ambien generic did not make me fall asleep, but I did sleep through the night. That's a huge deal. I'm just waiting for it to kick in now--or until I get sleepier. I was in bed, then got up. There's a limit to the tossing and turning.
Karate was awful tonight. The brown belts, who are both teenagers around 15-16, taught hubby and I plus the little kids. All we did was go through the basic 26. They didn't remember the basic 26. DH and I have been practicing and DID know them. They were showing us wrong on many of them. They were quiet, I couldn't hear their directives, I could not hear their counts, and it was awful. They like to correct me. This is something I have noticed happening on a frequent basis. The only girl in class gets picked on. The funny thing is? I watch DH and the other white belts and they may make the same mistake I do or even more. I've been watching DH and I hate to admit it, but I'm more polished on our kata and our basic 25 and the tuite (spg?) than he is! He never ever gets corrected by the lower belts. I do. I asked him to watch, because I feared I was being a bit paranoid, and he agreed. Gee, it's like I have to work three times harder than anyone else. I don't mind being corrected, but I do mind being singled out.
Anyway, when we were about done, I was so frustrated and flabbergasted. Hubby and I kept shooting looks toward one another. After class we talked about how messed up it was. I got to the point I was so upset--because I'm down to begin with--that I excused myself to use the restroom. I then got dressed. It was no good, I wasn't going to learn anything, and I was about in tears. I went back, told DH I wasn't feeling well, then went and sat in the car listening to my iPod.
Poor behavior? I don't know. I found the whole class a waste of my time. The kids need to learn leadership, it's part of the karate. Yet when two adults in the class get so befuddled from it, is it worth it? And I had to ask many, many times for them to speak up. They'd start to do something and I didn't hear what we were doing. So I'd have to watch to see what move then I'd get called on it, they'd stop to show me the move--which I knew and did very well last class when I could hear the instructions. I don't know. I wasn't happy. It's part of karate, but I wasn't in the mindset to have that happen tonight. I'm there to learn and all I learned was I have little patience and don't appreciate sexism.
Over about 400 on calories. Damn it. I've gone over my food journals the past couple weeks. I get darned hungry about an hour before dinner and about an hour after dinner. That's where I'm messing up. So I need to do SOMETHING to keep myself occupied during those times--or at least during one of those times to eliminate that snack. That shouldn't be too difficult now that I've pinpointed the problem. Both times are sleepy times for me. Will work on it.
Didn't quite hit my 20,000 steps today. That's because I was feeling low and snuggled up in bed a few times. I kept hoping I'd wake up and it would be April. That didn't happen. Instead I woke up and it was still below zero with a nasty windchill.
Positives: NOT gaining weight. This is when I started gaining last year. This year I am very aware and being very careful. Going over my food journal.
Work harder, kid, crush it.
As I sat in the car tonight during karate, I made my decision. I will start the anti-depressant tomorrow. I have to. This is not living. Walking out of karate class is not cool, not my typical behavior. Moping all day, having a good day then bad day then good day--it's not a quality life. If a pill can improve the chemicals in my brain, great. I'm going to give it a go. It should take three weeks to kick in. I have my fingers crossed.
Tomorrow is another day. I know what and when to watch out. I think I'll crush it tomorrow.
1.19.2012
Kick Ass Challenge Day 3
Day 3, Wednesday, over calories 300--again. Do I need to hone in on that, but cravings and cold--I don't know what it is. My stomach growls. Stopped and bought shredded carrots and cottage cheese for a healthier snack--carbs and protein, filling.
Workout: I did the workout in the video. Did not do jump squats. Instead I watched a cute young guy bring his girlfriend into the gym and bless his heart he took the 100# plates off the leg press so she could use it. So when I was done with my workout, I hit the Gravitron and did pullups, chin ups and then I went and did leg presses. 90#. I could have gone heavier, but was thrilled to actually be able to use the press.
I did not feel anything in my lower body until I went to bed last night. My legs were on fire! My upper body was on fire when I left the gym! So I'd call it a very good workout!
Took Ambien generic last night, went to bed, and didn't sleep. Was saddened about that; however, once I did fall asleep, I slept through the night! First time in ages that I've done that. I got about six solid hours of sleep--that's a record for me. WOOT.
Karate tonight, I'm also going to go look over my DVDs and do a cardio DVD. I haven't done one in a very long time. I've been walking. I will walk on the treadmill as well, because it's my meditation time, but I think I'll move in a different way.
Still debating the antidepressant. Need to decide soon! Awaiting results of Vitamin D test.
Felt much better yesterday except I couldn't get myself to the gym. It took two hours from the time I was going to go until I got my butt out the door. I don't know what's up with that. However, I celebrate because I did get my butt out the door and did what needed to be done.
Need to work on a schedule for the home. I need to pencil in workouts, chores, etc. so I'm just not floating around. Right now I'm sitting in front of my light box and surfing a bit--what a guilty pleasure that is! I need to be more organized, though. It would help if I had a good routine. I don't have a lot of energy in the mornings--never have, even when I have slept well. So need to get something figured out.
Aside from 300 over calories, day 3 was a good day. Today I'll try my hardest to get back to 1500 calories. That's what works for me, gotta get there. I want the rest of this weight off.
Workout: I did the workout in the video. Did not do jump squats. Instead I watched a cute young guy bring his girlfriend into the gym and bless his heart he took the 100# plates off the leg press so she could use it. So when I was done with my workout, I hit the Gravitron and did pullups, chin ups and then I went and did leg presses. 90#. I could have gone heavier, but was thrilled to actually be able to use the press.
I did not feel anything in my lower body until I went to bed last night. My legs were on fire! My upper body was on fire when I left the gym! So I'd call it a very good workout!
Took Ambien generic last night, went to bed, and didn't sleep. Was saddened about that; however, once I did fall asleep, I slept through the night! First time in ages that I've done that. I got about six solid hours of sleep--that's a record for me. WOOT.
Karate tonight, I'm also going to go look over my DVDs and do a cardio DVD. I haven't done one in a very long time. I've been walking. I will walk on the treadmill as well, because it's my meditation time, but I think I'll move in a different way.
Still debating the antidepressant. Need to decide soon! Awaiting results of Vitamin D test.
Felt much better yesterday except I couldn't get myself to the gym. It took two hours from the time I was going to go until I got my butt out the door. I don't know what's up with that. However, I celebrate because I did get my butt out the door and did what needed to be done.
Need to work on a schedule for the home. I need to pencil in workouts, chores, etc. so I'm just not floating around. Right now I'm sitting in front of my light box and surfing a bit--what a guilty pleasure that is! I need to be more organized, though. It would help if I had a good routine. I don't have a lot of energy in the mornings--never have, even when I have slept well. So need to get something figured out.
Aside from 300 over calories, day 3 was a good day. Today I'll try my hardest to get back to 1500 calories. That's what works for me, gotta get there. I want the rest of this weight off.
1.18.2012
My workout for tomorrow
I wrote it all down, and this is what I plan on doing tomorrow. I will change just a few things, I'll be doing pullups with the Gravitron. I'll also be doing one-legged calf raises. I may not make it through three sets of each--we shall see. I'll probably do some old-fashioned crunches when I'm done, too.
Thank you, Chris, for introducing me to Chef Buff. (Warning, language on his video. I think he's a hoot, but some may not like his language.)
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