Fair?

Today I was reminded that life is not fair.  It never has been, nor will it ever be.  While that's not ideal, it's okay because it is what it is.  I had a struggle with something, but talked it out with several friends.  In the end, my soul is uncomfortable with what I have to do yet I am going for a piece of paper, and I must jump through the hoops.  We chose our battles in life, and this isn't one worth fighting.

What is worth fighting for is health.  Today after a stressful morning, a friend and I hit the gym at school.  I had been there but never worked out there.  The horror of dressing in a dressing room hit.  I was the only one in there, until I wasn't.  My pants were off, so very exposed, and in she walked.  I quickly put on my capris.  I was so uncomfortable that I didn't not change into my sports bra, but did put on my big, baggy t-shirt.  I don't wear baggy t-shirts to my gym, but felt the need to hide at the school with all the young, beautiful bodies.

I decided to be proactive.  I started talking to her.  I showed her my feet and joked about my hideous attempt at a spray tan.  It is funny, I look like an orange zebra. She laughed, and was very nice. We talked a bit about the gym, working out, and then we both went our way.

It wasn't that bad after all.  You just need to get over your own insecurities.  People generally are only concerned about themselves, and that's an important lesson to remember.  It was a nice encounter.

My friend is in the Armed Forces.  He works out differently than I do.  I did 20 minutes of cardio, less than what I normally do.  I did the bikes, while he ran on the treadmill.  We were across the gym from one another.  After, he told me something that shocked me.  He said it was very noticeable that I was working out much harder than the other women there.  My feet were going faster.  I was sweating bullets.  Not only were my feet going fast, but I had it on a higher setting to make it hard.  I had a good heart rate and was sweating bullets.

Then instead of doing weights, we did the Army thing--body weight.  My friend is so encouraging and gentle. I did one push up.  One. And I didn't go down very far.  I used to be able to do 15 on my toes.  Today it was one.  It's a start.  We did planks, I did crunches and he did sit ups, donkey kicks, some yoga poses and called it good.  I was shocked at how hard it was to do body weight stuff.  It's not my cup of tea, never was. I realized it is imperative that I cross train and add some more in instead of just doing weights.

For a few months this summer, it will work out that we can work out together three times a week!  I'm very excited about this.  I will still have to do my own stuff at home, because 20 minutes of cardio isn't enough for me--but it felt so good.  I'm excited to have a workout partner, something I have always wanted.  He's a great kid.

I hit 15,000 steps today.  I haven't had that high of a step count in ages.

All said and done, with the ups and downs of the day, it was a great day.

Star Date: 5-19-14

It was a Murphy's Law day.  I overslept, went to get gas only to discover I left my wallet at home, was late to my meeting for my internship, spilled half a cup of Starbucks in her office.  I don't know which was worse, the fact I spilled it on her carpet OR the fact that I did not get to consume that half cup of Starbucks!  LOL  

I did not work out today.  :p  I didn't have time.  Big excuse.  I was gone all day, got home and had supper, had to run to the store, do homework and that consumed my time.  I could have worked out about a half hour ago, but then I wouldn't sleep and I have to get up before the crack of dawn tomorrow.  Sleep is more important.

Tomorrow I have a "date" with a classmate to go to the school gym.  I'm nervous about this ONLY because I did a self spray tan and I am streaked terribly.  I look like a white and brown zebra.  I tried to fix it tonight. Oh, the things we do in the name of vanity.  Aside from having ugly skin at the moment, I'm looking forward to trying the bikes at the school gym.  I've been in there once, but never worked out.  Tomorrow's the day. Yay.  And if that doesn't kill me, I may go to my gym there in town because they have a Step Mill.  That is supposed to be the ultimate cardio.  I plan on climbing those stairs like a grandma!

Eating was okay, in my flurry this morning I left my lunch behind.  I had a taco and burrito at Taco Bell on campus.  Not the best, but I restrained from getting more garbage.

I did not fulfill the provisions in my contract to myself today.  Tomorrow, I will.  We can only get better and better.  I am on a campaign to stop the self hate, so I'm not going to worry about my imperfections today.  It was good enough.

Sunday

I met many of my goals today, but not all.

I have one wish.  I wish people would be nice.  If they don't have anything kind to say, just shut up.  Really. Words can be like knives, they stab and cut.  It's uncool.

I got my big book/journal all done.  Tomorrow I will print the color photos of myself and a couple motivational sayings and have the book bound.  

I made myself a journal because I don't like what's out there, and I wanted everything mapped out in one place.  I didn't want to have to think, I just want to grab and go.  Here are the pages in my book:

Title
Favorite quote ever
Contract
Goal sheet
Countdown chart
Measurements
Quotes
Photos of me
Captain’s Log (data)
Supplements
Food--favorite recipes
Menu Planning pages
Training Regime
Video Breakdowns
Training Schedule
Workout Log



My quirky sense of humor had to be a part of it, so my health log was titled Captain's log, and instead of date, I wrote star date. It's the little things, you know.


I had contacted a few personal trainers and couldn't afford them. They also treated me as if I was stupid, like I still ate 100-calorie packs (never did), ate at McDonald's and knew nothing. For Pete's sake, I lost 108 pounds. That didn't happen by not researching, tweaking, and kicking a$!!! So I decided to give myself credit. I am my own coach/personal trainer now. I will work out at the gym, and use some Cathe Freidrich videos at home. I know how to eat, so I will.


I decided to name "my business." I don't need to share that here, but I made a beautiful letterhead, and put that at the top of 99% of the pages. It's in a pretty, girly font. I used my address and phone number. Did I need to? No! ha! I wanted it to look special, though, and I like professionalism.


The book is about an inch thick. The most important thing in it is the contract. I need to honor myself. I need to respect myself. I moved mountains. I will move mountains again. I'm that good. Yes, I said it!


So here's to me, a good, long progress, hard work, healthy eating, and honoring and loving myself.


Here's a couple pages from my book. My very favorite quote ever, which is at the top of my blog. Also, my captain's log.


Now it's time to crush it!!!

Deep Thoughts

I get overwhelmed sharing too much on this blog.  There are a lot of people out there that are not nice. And I tend to over share personal information.  On the other hand, I am most inspired by those who are real, who put it out there.  If I can help one person (like, oh, I don't know, myself??) okay, if I can help one person besides myself, it's worth it.  The world is a better place when we care about others.  So...

In short, awhile ago I moved into an apartment by myself.  I got a job, and the pickings were slim.  I barely made ends meet.  I lived in poverty.  I was happy.  I was happier than I had been in years and years. Except for the money.  So for many reasons, I returned back to where I started.  And a depression hit me.  Hard.

I quit my job, which I hated once I transferred. Plus it hurt my feet.  I couldn't get another job.  I couldn't get an interview for a minimum wage job.   I was 48 years old and felt like a complete failure. We are a society that revolves around winners.  I took all that to heart and wanted to die.  I had zero self worth.  I was a loser, and not when it came to weight loss.

One year ago as I was in bed crying, which I did every single day for a couple months straight, I realized I either needed to end it all or get up.  And as stubborn as I am, I got up.  What would I do?  School. Education is the answer. What precluded me from getting a job was the fact I only had two associates degrees which in the eyes of employers are worthless.  I thought for about 30 seconds about a career, and I knew.  It came to me immediately.  I knew.  I just completed my first year at a university working on a degree in social work.  And I did it with gusto, this kid got straight As.

The depression was bad all year long, the stress was phenomenal.  I thought I would break.  I made it.  I learned a lot.  I gained more than the college 15.  I gained 24 pounds.  Eeks.  It came to me recently, life is about balance.  I threw everything I had into school.  I had to, because I wanted to die.  I had no alternative, no other avenue.  I hyperfocused just to stay alive. I don't think I would have made it had I not done that, I was that bad.

So now for the balance.  I know I can do this. I know life can be good. I know it will be better.  I know I have to live in the NOW. And now that I'm not as stressed or depressed, I know I need balance.  I can manage my schoolwork and working on my body.  There is nothing greater than an endorphin rush from a workout--nothing. It's a high that I love and cannot replicate in any other way.  It's mine, and I need that good in my life.

I'm tired, I live with chronic pain, I have a lot of emotional pain as well, but it's time to balance and ALLOW good to come in.  Physical fitness always makes me feel good, so I'm making room.  I never quit working out altogether, but what I gave up was the consistency. When you are bawling your fool head off due to depression all the time, the energy it takes just to get up is astronomical.  I would force myself on occasion to get up.  Well, now it's not a matter of force.  It's a pleasure, an indulgence, ME time.

I thank my husband for finally allowing me to get a gym membership.  I have a place to go.  I still do workouts at home, too, but it's social, it's different, it involves being annoyed by rude gym members ha ha! which makes me laugh, but mostly it empowers me.

Life goes on.  It's going to be a struggle for me for a few years, that I know.  I'm going to treat myself along the way, though, and that means gym time, endorphins, and the self-confidence that comes with it.  Nothing greater than the gym owner telling me I had really good form doing an exercise.  Me?  Really?  Cool.

It's time to smell the roses.  My heart is still heavy, but there's room for a whole lot of good, too.

Crush it!

Thank You

I always knew in my heart that my blog helped me to get where I was going.  The supportive blogging community was imperative to my success.

And when I'm down and out, wow, the responses to my last entry left me teary eyed.  A heartfelt thank you!

Day one following my contract:  Success.

I met every single goal, including a little self-indulgence.  Calories, steps, workout--and the scale rewarded me, I got rid of some water weight. 

The indulgence:  an at-home spray tan.  Late last night, I exfoliated then sprayed.  I was a sticky mess.  This morning?  I'm a zebra!  I missed spots.  I look hilarious.  Actually, I see the humor in it.  I have an awesome sense of humor and look down at the streaks on my legs and just laugh.  If I can get this stuff applied evenly, though, I love the color.  This shall be my self-indulgence for awhile.  Why do I feel better darker??? It hides the fat. ha

Happy Sunday to all.  Let's crush it!

Contract

I typed up a contract for myself for a set period of time with provisions that I will follow.

Depression is severe, feet not doing well, and I'm just low.

I will get it turned around.

Silly that I have to resort to gimmickry such as a contract, but whatever.  It's all a mind game anyway.

A Midnight Rant

I've gained a few more pounds--ugh.  Up, down, up, down.  The same six pounds just don't want to leave. Up, down, up, down.



Positives:

Joined a gym again.  Really enjoying weight training.  A lot.  Have a great workout partner which makes it all the better.

Rehabbing my feet.  I'm up to a half hour on the treadmill.  OMG...this is a DREAM come true.

Plantar Fascia pain in right foot:  GONE!!!

Neuropathy in right foot:  GONE!!!

Pain in left foot:  Much, much better.  Still there, but almost healed.

Negatives:

Still have tendinitis in both feet.  That will get better.

I would say, aside from the darned scale, things are looking up.

Kettlebells are swinging, weights are being pumped, cardio being done.

Doing yoga on occasion, Cathe Freidrich's Yoga Max and Yoga Relax.

Two steps forward!!!