A Pattern Emerges

In my mind, I'm seeing my life pattern. I've never noticed it before, but now it's becoming crystal clear.

I've never been a multi-tasker. In fact, I think I've written those words here many times before. I can do one, two or possibly three things well, and beyond that, I'm a mess.

I've gotten myself into a bit of a mess quite literally here lately. School is going really well, my food and exercise is going really well, but I feel like I'm a mess everywhere else.

Here's the pattern: When I get overwhelmed, which is the perfect word to describe it, I bury my head in the sand. It's too difficult for me to think beyond, to take action, to move because I let fear, overwhelm, and frustration immobilize me. This is exactly how I got to 282.5 to begin with. Certain things have always gone well in my life while others did not. And my own health was put on the back burner and into that place of doom for years. It was too overwhelming to think about it and to take action, so I buried my head in the sand.

I build up dread, I build up fear, I build up all this stinking thinking that multiplies quicker than rabbits. My mind plays tricks on me. When I don't bring to fruition what needs to be done, I guilt myself. This guilt takes away pleasure from other areas of my life. I do not feel deserving of good things because I have not accomplished X, Y and Z.

Now I know this comes from my upbringing. My mom was a wonderful lady, and I miss her dearly. She was a Type-A personality. She was spotless. She could teach Martha Stewart and the Flylady a thing or three. So was her mother. So I have very high standards to live up to. And I've always tried to live up to them. (I also believe that this Type-A personality, and her indefatigable spirit, led to her death at the age of 59.)

The difference in my life compared to them is that I did have a career for over a decade. Mom worked until I was born, but I've never experienced life with her when she worked. When I was working, I hired a cleaning lady which helped tremendously. Now I work, but without pay, and I'm always in the home. Running the home is my job. And the house gets messier because we're in it 24/7. We also have five animals. Granny had none, and mom had a dog, a dog that didn't shed. Five animals that shed brings an extraordinary amount of work that neither my mom or granny had to deal with. It also brings a lot of love that they lacked.

I compare myself to them, always fall short, and let it reflect on my self-esteem. I live to their standards, which I could only obtain if I lived alone or if I didn't homeschool or if I had fewer pets.

Okay, so I see the problem, I've defined it, I've thought it out. Coming up with solutions--difficult.

How easy it would be to say husband, you do X, Y and Z. Son, you do A, B and C. Husband doesn't, or else he does it on his terms. He cooks quite often, he will throw in a load of laundry, and he will pick something up but he will never do anything on a consistent basis. I can't change him, I can't tell him time and time again that I can't do it all, I need help because he doesn't hear. He does what he can. I am appreciative of his help when he gives it, but I know I cannot rely on his doing certain tasks at an appointed time. And frankly, he works a full-time job with a lot of unpaid overtime. He's tired. I've been in his shoes, which is why I hired a cleaning lady all those years ago.

My son helps out quite a bit. He needs to learn how to live. He usually isn't happy about it, but he does as he is asked. Sometimes he'll surprise me by doing something when he wasn't asked.

It comes down to me, and it really should because this is my job. I don't bring in an income, and I am home all day. Now homeschooling takes a lot of my time, but now that my son's concentration issues are getting much better, I could get up and do tasks when he's working on an assignment. I squander away a lot of my time sitting in front of a computer. I squander a lot of my time thinking about doing things rather than doing them. I make poor choices, and then guilt myself for not making better choices.

I need to figure out how to be a multi-tasker. I need to figure out how to lower my perfection standards, because I can't meet them. That's why I got fat, because if I couldn't eat perfectly or exercise perfectly, I might as well not try.

Perfection is a bad thing.

So I can't multi-task, I have extremely high standards, and I live in guilt. Not good.

I know what to do and how to do it. Maybe that's the worst part of it all, I do have the skills and knowledge. I just don't.

Life's too short to live like this. I've never seen the pattern, I've never labeled or identified it, even though I was aware of problems that I have. I have been working so hard at bettering myself, improving my health, and this is one big part of my health--mental health. Now that I've got the food and exercise on auto-pilot, I need to start pushing myself a little harder in other areas of my life. I can do that.

So I think this will be my next big focus, push until the end of the year. Wouldn't it be lovely to get some good routines worked out and have them on auto-pilot as well?

This whole journey is focused on getting myself better. When I fall into a rut, which I have in a lot of areas, I need to challenge myself to find what will work for me. I need to set my own standards. And that is what I will do. It's not just about exercising and food, it is much broader than that--it's becoming whole.

Fatigue

I am tired.

I am overwhelmed.

Daily life is getting in my way.

School is going very well.

Exercise/food is going very well.

Everything else? Falling to pieces.

Will blog tomorrow about my feelings -- I've been thinking a lot about this and see a pattern in my life. Need to figure out how to get organized, with it, and doing my daily tasks better.

I am tired. Going to bed now.

Shelley Rocks!

I'm Johni come lately tonight, as I've been busy all day. Still wide awake, I decided to hit up blogs. First up (and probably last as I'm getting tired) was Shelley's.

I get very emotional, and when I read her blog title and then the entry, I actually teared up. Yes, I actually have tears of joy for her rolling down my cheeks.

Shelley has lost 100 pounds.

Now I'm sure everyone already knows this as Shelley is one cool, super-supportive, kind and wonderful blogger. Woman's Day affirms my belief, as Shelley is mentioned in their upcoming issue.

All I can say is it couldn't have happened to a more lovely person.

Way to go, Shelley. I am beyond happy for you!

Shelley's blog

Thrift Store Finds

Today my son had an orthodontist appointment in the big city. When we go up there, we usually hit three or four thrift stores. I'm looking for exercise stuff, he's looking for games. We both usually come home empty handed.

One time, I found the cutest blow mold pumpkin for $1.50. When I googled it, I discovered people collect these things and it was worth anywhere from 15-30 bucks! Score. I just liked it because it was cute. Blow molds are the plastic figures anywhere from a foot tall to life-size with lights inside. We washed it up, and he sat on our kitchen counter all of October. On Halloween, I put him outside.

I was hoping to find a blow mold Santa for Christmas. This past weekend, I hit our local thrift stores and came home empty handed. Today, though, the first store we came to there were two, foot-tall Santas. I snapped them both up at $1 each. The old electrical cords went in the garbage to be replaced by safe cords. I just need to wash them up. One will go outside for the season, and the nicer will sit on our counter.

It's the little things in life that make me happy. I'm all about vintage, and these were made in the 60s, and I love them. =)

Also purchased were three exercise videos. A Karen Voight, a TamiLee Webb and a Gilad Step and Tone. At 50 cents apiece, if I hate 'em, I can re-donate them. I think it's good to check out new instructors and styles.

Since these things are VHS, I couldn't run to the living room and put them in as the boys were in there. So with my computer in the kitchen, and me cooking dinner, I found bits of Gilad's Step and Tone on YouTube and played it. All of a sudden I heard howling laughter from the living room and the boys demanded to know what that noise was. lol Yes, it was kind of funny, even by my standards.

Thing is, I really liked it. Nice, easy step work where I won't trip over myself, and he uses weights while doing his step work. Um, that's what the FIRM does, they call it four-limb cardio. So I think once I get a chance to view the whole tape, I'll enjoy it.

Haven't taken a look at the other two. They're abs tapes, and I hate working on abs. lol That which we hate is usually that which we need to work the most on!

I also received a FitPrime tape in the mail from Donna--thank you! FitPrime was Anna Benson's next venture after she sold The FIRM. I am anxious to do Metaboost this week.

Today I didn't work out. In the car two hours, walking, hopping in and out of the car, doing some shopping besides the thrift stores, rushing to get school done--we made a good stab at it before we left, coming home starved and having to cook supper...I'm just too worn out. I took a rest day yesterday, too.

I'm just about over this silly virus. I'm at the really tired stage. Yesterday I got *nothing* done except a 3-hour nap, and today was on the go, but I have nothing but a cute Santa and cheap VHS tapes to show for it. Oh, yeah, my kiddo's bright, smiling face. He looks cute with green braces.

I also checked out the one and only Jari Love tape from our library, Get Ripped. I like The FIRM much better. Hers is good, though. I hear great things about her Get Extremely Ripped 1000.

I'm going to put my jammies on and hope that time goes fast so that I can just go to bed. If I lie down now, I'll wake up and be up in the night. So I'm hoping by 9 that I can crawl into bed.

Monday Morning Weigh In

Well, for the third week in a row...

227

I'm okay with it this morning. Not gonna whine.

I weigh everything, I exercise even when I'm sick, I am doing everything I can. I am seeing fat loss on my body--both hubs and I have noticed a few spots just from last week that are smaller.

So, it's just a number.

What I find interesting is even though I am shrinking (granted, it's not a lot, but it is noticeable to us), why doesn't the scale show it? Hubby says I'm gaining muscle. Yet I can't gain that much muscle.

I'm just not going to worry about this anymore, though. I'm just going to keep at it, as I have not cheated and don't plan on it, and soon the number will drop.

I'm getting healthier, gaining strength and fitness, and that's what counts.

I almost didn't even bother to blog this, but I'm always honest about things, so here it is.

Morning

It's morning. It's 6:30 am. It's not normal for me to be up and coherent enough to blog at this time of day.

I'm a night owl. I was up until 1 a.m. last night. It's my nature. I like to get up around 8 or 8:30. We try to start school around 9. Hubby is a morning person. He's chipper and happy and annoying as h-e-double-toothpicks. I don't like to get up when he's in such a state. He's bouncy, cheerful and talkative. Me? I need a half hour just to wake up enough to talk. Saying two simple words, "Good morning" is the most I can muster upon arousal.

Last night I was playing with my doggies after everyone else was in bed. I was loving them, they were loving me, snuggling, giving me kisses--it was a lovely bonding time. Then I started feeling really guilty. Hubby used to get up early and take them for a morning walk--before we got our third pup, that is. Border collies are interesting dogs, and quirky, and our three each have a quirk making it impossible -- well, not so fun for him to walk all three together.

First pup likes cars--he wants to herd them. Hubby has worked really well with this guy and it's under control. Second doggie is scared to death of drains in the street. He freaks. You have to cross the street or put something between him and the drain. We've worked with him on this to no avail. This doggie is also afraid of our laundry chute in the hallway. If that chute is open, he won't walk down the hall! Third doggie, mine--Pip, he's not afraid of anything but he barks when he sees people. I've worked with him a lot, but he's still a little reactive (barking) when he sees someone in the distance.

So I was feeling really guilty about my poor doggies missing their morning walks. It's not as if the don't get exercise, hubby takes them into the back yard and plays fetch. Border collies + fetch equals great fun. They live for it. One word, "ball" will set them off. Anyway, at 1 a.m., I wrote a note to my husband and taped it above the coffee pot where he would be sure to see it. It said:

If you can wake me, and I know that's a big if, I will walk the dogs with you.

Well, he did and I did.

I do not like mornings. Oh, I already mentioned that. It was dark, so I threw on sweats and put my hair in a ponytail. 31-degree windchill, south wind blowing 22 mph, and we set out. The air cuts through me, my eyes start pouring water. I just don't get along with cool temps, wind--it drives my eyes crazy. In Minnesota, 31-degree weather is warm. We wish for 31 degrees in January and February.

And we walked. Hubby said it was 12 minutes. I proclaim it 15. The dogs enjoyed it. I hate to admit it, but so did I.

Walking with my husband has always been difficult. He's 6'5", a whole foot taller than I am. His stride -- I have to practically run to keep up with his normal stride. He slowed a bit this morning, I stepped it up and we had a perfect match. My fitness has improved greatly, and I didn't get winded. It wasn't so bad.

Compromising is a good thing. I put my wants aside (wanting to sleep) and he put his aside (wanting to walk normally for him) and we had a nice, quite time together. I also put my selfishness aside and stepped it up for my doggies.

Before, I just couldn't have done this. I didn't have the energy, I couldn't keep up even on a 15-minute walk. I had no balance, I didn't enjoy walking. We walked a bit this summer, with the doggies, and things improved. But today, it was a different story.

When we turned the corner and were a half block from home, I did the unthinkable. I jogged. All the way home. A whole half block. This made my husband jog, because the two dogs he was walking got worked up. I did something quite extraordinary for me. The best thing was that I was able to do it. Now it was a slow jog, but it was a jog.

When we got home I stated: I do not like jogging or running. I have no desire to do it. I will never do a 5-K, a couch-to-whatever it's called program. I don't want to. Yet, it is nice to know that if I wanted to, I could. It made me smile when hubby said he doesn't like to run or jog, either.

So I think we'll just have to do this again tomorrow. And the next day. Doggies will appreciate it, and maybe some day I'll turn into a morning person. Or not, but at least I can get up.

Wendy Whiner

I am a whiner. I admit it. It is one of my worst qualities. I cringe when I look at some of my posts, because I whine. A lot. Sorry. I am brutally honest here on the blog, though, and you get the real deal, warts and all. (I don't have warts, though.)

I also whine when I'm sick. The past two days have been no exception. It's funny, because "they" say that men usually whine when sick. The opposite is true in my house. My husband never whines, but I always do. It get on his nerves, even though he doesn't say that to me, I know it does.

Between my son and I, we have gone through a box of Puffs in the past two days. We are quite the pair, sniffling, sneezing, blowing our noses, repeat. Today it seemed as if school would never end. I was so tired and desperately wanted to nap. Finally at 2:30 he started his last subject, and it was a reading assignment. I snuggled up and tried to sleep, but the medicine I took kept me awake. I don't like taking antihistimines. They make me feel flighty inside. I think I shall suffer tomorrow and do without. The neti pot does a fabulous job of keeping my sinuses clear.

The antihistimes also dry me up. I drank gallons today. Got all my water in before noon, and I drank two pots of decaf by myself. The hot was soothing. I don't like tea, sadly. I'm still thirsty. Tomorrow no more meds. I just don't like this!

whine, whine, whine

Yesterday I came way under calories and points. Very unusual for me. All bets are off when I'm sick and don't feel like eating--listen to your body! Today I've been trying to get more protein in, so I should be on target. I did get lots of exercise--with all that drinking, I put on lots of steps walking to the bathroom! lol

I hope tomorrow is better. I want to work out. I miss it. Amazing, I should say something like that!

There, whine over.

And one nice thing: If you don't read Actual Scale's blog, you should. She is celebrating 50-pounds lost by having a give away for an Amazon gift card. I think that's a fabulous thing to give away! Congrats on your great loss!