Funk

I am just in a nasty funk and going downhill fast.

I start to get better, then something happens and I'm full of negativity, feeling like crap emotionally.

I had a lot of pain today. "The pain" as I call it, whatever or wherever it stems from, I still don't know.

I did get off my lazy butt and exercise today. I did Richard Simmons' Boogie Down the Pounds. The pain flared up at times while working out, so I'd have to modify. I still got a good workout in and it was good to sweat.

I got really down tonight as I found out a friend had been humiliating me publicly. Oh joy, what a friend. I'm thick skinned and pretty tough, but it hurts nonetheless. I think it was jealousy over my weight loss. The good thing is that I'm a straight-forward person, and people who know me get the real deal, so the twisting of the truth--I think they'll see through it. I typically don't care what people think of me because I know I'm a good person. It's just no fun to be on the receiving end of BS.

I then called my best friend and we talked two hours. It was so nice because she rattled on most the time about her problems. Not that it's nice that she has problems, but it helps me put mine in perspective. Plus it gets my mind off my own.

I have not read blogs today. I always feel so behind when I don't do that. I like to read what people have to say. This is the greatest support network and I value it tremendously.

I had my mammogram today. I've been having the since I was 35 because my mom had breast cancer. I'm still not used to them, I don't enjoy having a tech touch my breasts, and having them smooshed. I am very stoic when I have these done--probably appearing rude. It's very uncomfortable for me--as it is with many women. I hope they understand that, as I do not like being rude. I am not a rude person.

After I left, I sat in my car. I am not a paranoid person at all. Given my funk, though, I got to thinking...that tech didn't look me in the eye when she came back in the room from looking at the pictures. hmmmm...Reading more into that than I need to? Hopefully. Mom was my age when she got cancer--I think. My son was the same age I was when mom got cancer, so maybe she was a year older. That's a scary thought.

I don't do stress well. And I'm stressed right now. The good thing is that the rest of the week I'm free, I don't have to go anywhere. So I think I'll do some spring cleaning, take my son for a long walk -- if the rain clears, and try to calm my butt down.

~~~~~

And the whole moral of this story is that even though I wish to live on an even keel, life isn't that way. There are ups and downs. Good times, bad times, happy times, sad times. Instead of using food to numb myself, I'm really feeling. Now I just need to learn to deal a little better.

Blog therapy. Just kibitzing about it helps.