The Hard Way

I enjoy learning lessons about myself, my actions, my body, but it seems I go about it the hard way many times.

This morning I made a pot of coffee. I usually make half caf, but today I put in a little more caffeine than decaf. I also drank 3/4 of the pot. And then early in the afternoon it happened. My diaphragm started getting tight, I felt light-headed, had the feeling like I was going to fall sideways, funky breathing. Yup, a panic attack. I went to lie down immediately and practice deep breathing. Nope. I got up, took a Xanax and relaxed a bit. I ended up taking a 2 hour nap and awoke to hubby cooking dinner. (He's a good man!)

I've known for awhile now that caffeine was a trigger for that. I've given up my Coke Zero since my surgery. I would get a bit shaky after drinking it. I've been drinking diet Sierra Mist or a diet Pepsi if we go out. Diet Pepsi doesn't do anything to me, for some strange reason. When we go out, I ask for a full glass of ice, so I'm not really getting that much pop. That could be why Diet Pepsi doesn't get to me as much.

I felt off all night. Ran to Wal-mart to do my weekly shopping tonight, put the food away, sat and watched Nurse Jackie and here I am. (I love the show Nurse Jackie, even though she is addicted to drugs.)

I was thinking of Dad. He used to say things like, "Did you get that through your thick head?" Maybe, just maybe, I have got it through my thick head that I can't do caffeine anymore. And maybe I'll get it through my thick head that I can't drink 3/4 of a pot of coffee--even if it's decaf.

I also spent a little bit of time reading about hormones, adrenal glands, anxiety, slow weight loss--it's all connected. A visit to an endocrinologist would be in order, but I don't know that I really want to do that. I have suspected all along that my hormones are completely whacked. If I'm not better in a couple months, I may entertain the idea of visiting one.

Fact is, I still have Metabolic Syndrome, Syndrome X, pre-diabetes--whatever you want to call it. There is a list of five symptoms, and if you have three, you have it. One GP, of the last three I've seen, told me I had it.

1) abdominal obesity. For a woman, if your waist circumference is
larger than 40, that qualifies. I bought a new tape measure at Wal-mart
tonight. I'm at 43 now.
2) triglycerides above 150. I'm on medication for high
triglycerides. They were high when tested in June. They've been high for years. I'll call and ask when to be re-tested in a month or two.
3) HDL cholesterol lower than 40. I don't remember my number, but I
do remember it was lower than 40. Much lower.
4) Blood pressure of 130/85 or more. I think I've got this one
whipped.
5) Fasting glucose 110 or above. I've got this one whipped.

So I still hit 3, I still have Metabolic Syndrome. This may be why my weight loss is slower than I would like.

I am comparing myself to myself with this weight loss thing. I lost over 70 pounds a few years back. I had fantastic losses each week. I just looked at my WW records, and stared at it in disbelief. I'm older now, which could account for some of it. I just know in my gut my body is still a bit wacky.

I'm getting there, I'm proud of what I've done and I will continue this battle with all my heart and soul. I need to stop and evaluate every once in awhile, which is what I plan on doing this week.

Right now I know I need to order some strength training books. I just need to dive into that, get over my fear, get over my girlie-girl mentality and do it. I also need to re-read my pre-diabetes books. There's valuable information in there that I have forgotten. Or chose to ignore because I preferred to bury my head in the sand. Or perhaps I turned the other cheek because I was overwhelmed with changes. You can only do so much at one time. I think it's time to start up with some more changes, as I've made other changes habit. It's time for another push. I like pushing myself a bit as long as I don't get overwhelmed.

Health is a never-ending quest. My life depends on it. My quality of life depends on it. I need to keep reading, keep searching out information, and applying it.

I do know one thing for certain. I am a heck of a lot closer to good health than I was at 282.5. Each day I get stronger, and hopefully a bit smarter. This journey is body, mind and spirit. I'm giving it my all.