Down in the Dumps

I am really, really low right now. I am definitely down in the dumps.

My sleep is all screwed up.

I have NOT been working out. (I believe that was the cure for my insomnia!)

I was hurt really bad by two friends this week.

Had a appointment with my accountant this week for our taxes. He is my hubby's age --somewhere around there, and he had a heart attack last year, had a stent that didn't work, had bypass, just had another angiogram because he's not doing well. It hasn't clogged up, but he looks like he's on death's door.

Please say a prayer for him and his family. He has a daughter in college, a son my son's age, and a younger daughter. We were in a mom's group with his wife before the boys started school. We're not friends, but I like him and his family well enough. His health condition really got me.

One, as he was telling his story, it was a flashback to my mom's battle with heart disease. She died at the age of 59. She was so young. It just scares me for him.

Also, I had a panic attack while he did my taxes. I kept myself together, but the minute he got up and closed the door, my heart started pounding. My husband knew why immediately. I was afraid he'd keel over in front of me during the appointment. Why was I afraid of that? Because my mom keeled over in front of me and had a heart attack, went into a coma, then died. Then again, two years ago, Dad keeled over in front of me and had a heart attack, and died a couple months later. So my panic was a reaction--a learned response--and I couldn't wait to get the hell out of there. And I mean absolutely no disrespect to him at all--it's just my own issues.

It just really hit me hard.

I slept most of the afternoon today. That's not like me. I was just sad, in a mood, and wanted to be left alone. Not good.

At supper tonight, (thanks for cooking, honey), I mentioned all the things that were bothering me. A long list of things popped out, including the fact that I have been thrown away by my siblings. That's okay, because they're alcoholics and have mental issues that they really need help with--far beyond my anxiety issues. My anxiety, btw, came to a head just by being near them. But the way they treated me just--I cannot comprehend it. Watching my sister drink a 12-pack of Bud every night was horrifying. Yet she insists she doesn't have a problem. She was extremely violent as well--in front of my son. It makes me sad, I hurt that I have no one to mourn my parents with. It is what it is, and my life is better without them in it--until/unless they get help. It hurts, though. Even though they were nasty, I still have love in my heart for them. Yet I refuse contact anymore.

There's a lot more to it than that, but that's all I'm willing to share here. For now, I guess. That has been eating at me for two years.

Ugh. I just feel really crappy right now. I think this ovary issue is hanging over my head, has me scared to death. Living with the pain for the last three and a half months has really crushed my spirits. I do not know how people carry on with chronic pain. My hat is off to them. At least I have hope mine will go away.

Seeing my accountant in the state he was in, him telling me how exhausted he was, and him looking like he was on death's door scared me. That could be me--had I not started to lose weight, eat healthier and exercise. It was a dose of reality that touched me beyond measure. It still could be me, with my history. My parents both had heart disease. I still have high triglycerides, which means fat is building up in my arteries. I'm anxious to get that tested again soon.

I'm so tired of living my life in fear. Everything I do is fear based. I fear a lot. It's not healthy. It's not living. It's consuming me right now.

I need to get it together. Tomorrow, no matter what, I'm putting in a good workout. That helps me on so many levels. One step forward. I don't know what to do about fear. I think that's why I wrote this post, just to get it all off my chest. I guess that's another step forward.

Life is full of ups and downs. Feeling blue tonight, I looked at my weight loss photos. It might be coming off slowly, but damn, I've built muscles that I can see, I've gone down several sizes--so that was a great, much-needed pick-me-up tonight. Just need to keep my eye on the prize: health.

I can and I will. Even when I feel crappy. I did not overeat today, came right in on calories. Actually feeling things--feeling them deeply! lol So another step forward.

I can and I will.