Kick Ass Challenge Day 4

Rough day.

Very down, very mopey. I hate this. The Ambien generic did not make me fall asleep, but I did sleep through the night. That's a huge deal. I'm just waiting for it to kick in now--or until I get sleepier. I was in bed, then got up. There's a limit to the tossing and turning.

Karate was awful tonight. The brown belts, who are both teenagers around 15-16, taught hubby and I plus the little kids. All we did was go through the basic 26. They didn't remember the basic 26. DH and I have been practicing and DID know them. They were showing us wrong on many of them. They were quiet, I couldn't hear their directives, I could not hear their counts, and it was awful. They like to correct me. This is something I have noticed happening on a frequent basis. The only girl in class gets picked on. The funny thing is? I watch DH and the other white belts and they may make the same mistake I do or even more. I've been watching DH and I hate to admit it, but I'm more polished on our kata and our basic 25 and the tuite (spg?) than he is! He never ever gets corrected by the lower belts. I do. I asked him to watch, because I feared I was being a bit paranoid, and he agreed. Gee, it's like I have to work three times harder than anyone else. I don't mind being corrected, but I do mind being singled out.

Anyway, when we were about done, I was so frustrated and flabbergasted. Hubby and I kept shooting looks toward one another. After class we talked about how messed up it was. I got to the point I was so upset--because I'm down to begin with--that I excused myself to use the restroom. I then got dressed. It was no good, I wasn't going to learn anything, and I was about in tears. I went back, told DH I wasn't feeling well, then went and sat in the car listening to my iPod.

Poor behavior? I don't know. I found the whole class a waste of my time. The kids need to learn leadership, it's part of the karate. Yet when two adults in the class get so befuddled from it, is it worth it? And I had to ask many, many times for them to speak up. They'd start to do something and I didn't hear what we were doing. So I'd have to watch to see what move then I'd get called on it, they'd stop to show me the move--which I knew and did very well last class when I could hear the instructions. I don't know. I wasn't happy. It's part of karate, but I wasn't in the mindset to have that happen tonight. I'm there to learn and all I learned was I have little patience and don't appreciate sexism.

Over about 400 on calories. Damn it. I've gone over my food journals the past couple weeks. I get darned hungry about an hour before dinner and about an hour after dinner. That's where I'm messing up. So I need to do SOMETHING to keep myself occupied during those times--or at least during one of those times to eliminate that snack. That shouldn't be too difficult now that I've pinpointed the problem. Both times are sleepy times for me. Will work on it.

Didn't quite hit my 20,000 steps today. That's because I was feeling low and snuggled up in bed a few times. I kept hoping I'd wake up and it would be April. That didn't happen. Instead I woke up and it was still below zero with a nasty windchill.

Positives: NOT gaining weight. This is when I started gaining last year. This year I am very aware and being very careful. Going over my food journal.

Work harder, kid, crush it.

As I sat in the car tonight during karate, I made my decision. I will start the anti-depressant tomorrow. I have to. This is not living. Walking out of karate class is not cool, not my typical behavior. Moping all day, having a good day then bad day then good day--it's not a quality life. If a pill can improve the chemicals in my brain, great. I'm going to give it a go. It should take three weeks to kick in. I have my fingers crossed.

Tomorrow is another day. I know what and when to watch out. I think I'll crush it tomorrow.