I've Set a New Goal

Last night I mentioned I started reading a "fat" book that belonged to my mother. There are so many books out there to draw knowledge and information from, but when I went to the library at the start of this journey, I didn't feel like reading any. I also have spent some time on Amazon looking but did not purchase anything. This particular book is special to me because it was Mom's, and that's why I picked it up to read.

I knew from my experience as a homeschool blogger since 2005 that I could get better support and information from blog land than books. I have made some fantastic friends online, many who I have met in real life and many who I email with on a regular basis and talk on the phone with. It is has been tremendous support for me. Blogging a little over a month in the weight-loss blog land, I have already met some wonderful people, drawn incredible inspiration and knowledge and understanding.

I knew that I needed people to support me in this journey. One of my issues is loneliness. I am very lonely. I have friends, good friends, but none that live locally. I have lived in this small town 11 years and I still don't feel like it's home.

I considered going to Weight Watchers meetings again. I know the leader, we were in Cub Scouts together. I really like her. The meetings were okay, but with my anxiety issues, going to the meeting, finding a place to sit, and watching the clicks in the group click bothered me. I always sat alone. No one ever joined me. I never moved beyond my fear to sit next to someone. I didn't know anyone at the meetings. It was highly uncomfortable.

I stopped going to meetings and just went to weigh in. I would stay for a meeting if I was getting a star. I also stayed at their insistence when I got my 50-pound star. Getting applause for one's hard work is great, but yet I was still lonely and uncomfortable.

Back to now, I decided to not go to meetings. Cost was a factor. I've given WW a lot of money over the years. Time was another factor. The only meeting in my small town is at 6:30 on a Wednesday night. I found that my pattern was Wednesdays I wouldn't eat or drink water because of the upcoming weigh-in. That was not healthy. My ability to be comfortable in this particular group setting was another factor. It just wasn't there.

So this time I was going to do it on my own and turn to the internet for support. I started the blog, joined some groups, re-visited some of my favorite haunts from times gone by. I'm thrilled with the blogging results. This will work for me. The face of friendships is changing. We can now connect easily with people all over the world. I am thrilled with the people I have met and enjoy reading their journeys and sharing mine.

Then last night reading my Mom's book, in the first seven pages, I read this:

To recover from an eating disorder involves turning away from the
self-administered comfort of food and turning instead to nurturance from people.
Fat is a Family Affair, Judi Hollis Ph.D.

Great, I thought, I've done that. And I have, really: the blog. The thing is, I think I need to do that closer to home as well. In addition to. I've decided that soon, I need to face some of my fears and reach out to others not in blog land, but in my small town.

I don't want to join WW again. I signed up online by accident. I did the one-week free trial and forgot to cancel. So I'm paid up for a couple more months. Frankly, I like the recipe builder so I think I'll just continue. I could go to a meeting, join eTools and drop WW online to save some money, but I think I'm okay this way.

Next I looked up Overeaters Anonymous. No meetings in my small town, and the closest was 50 miles away. That won't work for a couple reasons: We have doggie training the night the meetings are on, plus I don't want to drive 50 miles for support--it kind of defeats the purpose.

On a blog I've been reading, she talks about TOPS. I looked that up. Yup, there's a TOPS meeting in my town. While I'm not thrilled with weekly weigh-ins, at least it's in the morning. I don't know a lot about TOPS but maybe it's a small enough setting that it wouldn't overwhelm me, and maybe they'll get into the mind issues that I so desperately want to work on. The bad thing is it's in the morning and we school in the morning, but my son is old enough to do his assignments without mother hen watching over him. He is a teenager. I could get away for an hour.

So this is what I'm going to do. I'm going to go out at the next meeting time, blend in with the crowd (it's at our library) and watch to see who goes in. I sound like a stalker, don't I? It's a mind game with me. I will see it's just normal people, who are probably nice, and it will build my confidence. Then I might go or I might wait until the next week and go.

I can try it. If I don't like it, I don't have to continue. I do know this: If I don't push myself, I will never grow. The worst thing that could happen? I could hate it. So then I quit. The best: I could meet some people, get out of the house, push myself, and perhaps learn a thing or two.