Monday Morning Weigh-In

Well, I stayed the same. No gain, no loss.
~~~

I had a hot flash last night. I got out of bed, stuck my head in the freezer, and then applied an ice pack to my forehead. It felt so much better. I also pulled the only book on menopause I own off the bookshelf: The Wisdom of Menopause by Christiane Northrup. I read for a bit, then I did some reading online.

What I've learned and none of my doctors have ever mentioned is that during periomenopause, anxiety and panic attacks are common. They have given me the evil eye when I've mentioned the majority of my panic attacks occur right before or during a period. I'm not looking to them for validation anymore. I know my body.

I have also developed a reaction, of sorts, to caffeine. Some of my worst panic attacks occurred after consuming caffeine. While DH was in Germany, we had a Subway. I got a large Diet Pepsi. Almost immediately after drinking it, my heart rate shot up,I felt a panic attack coming on, I felt like sideways and going to fall over. I actually put my heart rate monitor on during that and my heart rate was high 80s to low 90s for a few hours. That was when I completely gave up caffeine.

Or so I thought. I switched from half-caf coffee to decaf. Little did I know that decaf does have caffeine. I use Folgers and for a shot of dark and heavy, I use a scoop of Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts decaf. One scoop. Well, those two brand are high in caffeine for decaf coffee. I will be switching to Folgers Instant Decaf (cough, cough, sputter) until I can get off coffee altogether. I really enjoy coffee, which sucks. Never liked any tea I have ever tried. The instant decaf is 99.7% caffeine free--which means it still has some caffeine, but much less than I'm used to.

Yesterday morning there was a pot of half caf. Instead of DH pouring his coffee in a thermos as he's kind enough to do for me, I poured myself a cup. I had a reaction. I felt as if I was going to fall out of the shower. Dizzy, light-headed, nasty headache, and what I always though of as a full-blown panic attack. I took a Xanax and laid down and slept. That feeling was with me all day. Ate, drank tons and tons to flush my system, but it didn't go away.

So what I've learned is caffeine is bad, bad, bad for me. No more Starbucks, which makes me want to cry. Yet, I'd much prefer to never have a reaction like that. I'll just have to find something else to drink that is caffeine free and warm. Warm water, anyone? lol

And so it goes.

And on a final note, I have one more revelation this weekend. After reading a bit about menopause, periomenopause, etc., I can't help but wonder if my slow weight loss is a direct result of my ever-changing hormones. I've always known to my core that my hormones were completely out of whack--now I'm wondering if that hasn't affected the weight loss. Really, I hardly ever cheat, I weigh everything that goes in my mouth, I work out when my body says it's okay--scientifically I should be losing at a better rate. This past week I dropped caloric intake on the days I did not work out. Still a zero. No cheating. So it's really something for me to consider. Again, I won't be asking my doctors that question as I know they'll roll their eyes and give me the evil eye again. I don't need their validation on that, though.

It kind of changed my perspective. I have faced adversity on this journey. While I don't mind moaning and whining about it, I don't like admitting the very fact that this has been a struggle health wise. And the most amazing thing of all is I have not let it stop me. I keep going. I am pretty FFT. And if you don't know what FFT is, think back to the move Terms of Endearment, it was a phrase Shirley MacClaine used when she was describing her new relationship.

Drained

I am feeling drained again.

I just spent all morning on the phone with the doctor's office, then the insurance, then the doctor's office again, and the insurance company--again.

It wasn't really all morning, but a good hour or so--it felt like all morning.

That, to me, is draining.

Surgery is set, pre-op appointments have been made--two of them. I have to drive 50 miles to sign forms early one morning--ugh. Everything is approved with insurance.

UGH...drain. My shoulders just dropped and I just felt a huge release when I hung up on the final call. That kind of thing stresses me.

So what does one do to prepare themselves for surgery? Nothing, really, I guess. I already watch what I eat, I exercise when I can. For some strange reason, I have a big desire to work hard on cardio.

Mental prep--now that's a biggie. Relaxation, stretching videos, anything calming will be good.

Today is supposed to be a rest day, yet I have all this nervous energy inside of me--I feel like bursting. Exercise is the best way to release that--for me. I may just end up doing a fun cardio just for the release. Or not. Who knows. We're doing school right now, so I think I'll just sit in a stupor and come back to reality when DS needs me. lol

I do have great hope that we can eradicate this pain for good. Hope is a great thing.

Calm...

I'm finally calm now. I had an emotional day. Hubby took the afternoon off, which means he's home before noon, and it messes our school up when he's here. The doctor's office called early this morning and moved my appointment up a few hours. Ugh.

So, at lunch time I put in my workout and did that, which helped tremendously. Got my mind of myself, and, well, onto myself just in a better way--an in the moment kind of thing. Pumped some iron, and I'm feeling it tonight! For what it's worth, I bought Cathe's STS program. It's not that I didn't like P90X, it's just that I couldn't do the same workouts for 12 weeks. Cathe's program is more expensive, but it's a different disk each time. I love Cathe, and it's just a better fit. I think it's very similar to P90X--you work hard, darned hard. I lifted heavier today than I ever have--did it well--and am feeling it! With Cathe, I can do my own cardio--and that's what makes me happy. I do think I'll do the P90X stretch tape tomorrow or Saturday, though. My son will work his way up to P90X. He's doing Power 90 now and doing great.

So when I was done I ate a quick lunch, showered and we went to the appointment. Nothing left to try except exploratory surgery. Gulp. He wants to do it in the hospital rather than the same-day surgery place for a few reasons. He says we're still in the diagnostic stage, as he doesn't know what the problem is. He'll dig around and find out. Depending on what it is, he can take care of it that day, such as scar tissue. If it is more extensive, such as endometriosis or if I need a hysterectomy, he'll close me up an we'll start again at another time. UGH.

So I may or may not spend the night. Who knows what is going to happen. I was a basket case all afternoon and into the evening, but about an hour ago I just accepted that it is what it is, it's God's design, and a peace came over me that was very welcomed.

I just want the pain to go away so I can work out and live my life. lol Funny how our priorities change--it bothers me most that there are times I cannot work out. Seriously. So what that there have been times when I was coming up from the basement and had to stop on the stairs because a knee raise about doubled me over. I just want to work out! Kidding--I just want good health.

So now I wait for the nurse to call me back tomorrow to confirm the early May date, then I have to call the insurance company and get the approval, blah, blah, blah.

The funny thing? She originally wanted to set the date for the anniversary of my father's death. I told her that just wouldn't work for me. lol

Subway for dinner, which was nice that I didn't have to cook. Now back to the real world so I can get some things done!

On Thursday, I Will See...

my doctor.

I'm nervous. I'm scared. I don't have the best gut feeling about this. Hubby, if he remembers, will come with me.

I do have fears associated with surgery. I don't do anesthesia well. I fear bad things happening. lol I fear that he won't find what the problem is.

Mostly, though, I fear him cutting muscles and me being out of exercise for six weeks. What on earth will I do? It's my anti-depressant. It's my feel-good pill. If he okays me to walk, that would be good except I don't really enjoy leaving the house to walk due to homeschool obligations, yada. And I know a lot of people love Leslie, and I've certainly tried, but, well, I don't.

Isn't funny how our fears change? Dreading not working out for six weeks.

I just hope that this has a good outcome. I'm tired of the pain. I just want to live. I'm not a super human that overcomes great diversity. No, I'm a whiner. Bah.

I think I'm over the phase where I just wanted everything removed and to be done with it all. I do know he wanted to give me a tubal on the other side and I'm going to fight that and refuse. The least done, the least chance for scar tissue--which may be the issue now.

So I'm a nervous Nellie tonight. On the other hand, I just want it over with and done and to know what's going to happen.

Ugh.

Now I'm going to go take a long bath and then give myself a pedicure.

Monday Night Update

I am feeling a lot better. Back to normal, I'd say. We had a slow start this morning, but the day progressed--no naps, just laundry, school, working out, cooking supper, paying bills--normal life. Wasn't blue or down or sad. Whew.

My feelings were hurt terribly--but that's life, those things happen. Water under the bridge now, lessons learned, and time to move forward.

I was looking at my goal chart today, and realized I am now in Class One Obesity. Not bad at all, considering I started out with a BMI of 47 and morbidly obese. Now it's 34.5. Almost 30 pounds to being overweight instead of obese. (Not that I give much credit to the BMI as it is skewed, but still...)

I realized today that though I whine that the weight is coming off slowly, it's probably a very good thing. It's hard to get my mind around a changing body. I still hold up my new clothes and think they're going to be way too small. I still see distorted proportions on my body. At the rate it's going, it's not nearly as overwhelming to me--less scary.

Would like to give a heart-felt thanks for all the kind and supportive comments. They are appreciated more than you all would know.

I can and I will. I repeat that over and over and over. I believe it, too!

Monday Morning Weigh-In

207.5
-1

Today, finally, I hit my mini-goal of 75 pounds gone. Yay me.

Dear Diary

Dear Diary,

Today was better, but not by much. I actually took two naps. My mind was racing with thoughts. I was in a mood. Hubby cooked dinner, thankfully. I did get some cleaning done, but when it was time to work out--I said forget it.

At 9 tonight I knew I would regret not working out. So I dressed up and decided time didn't matter. My son actually joined me, which meant we had to do Power 90 Sculpt 1-2 again. That's all he'll do.

I started feeling a little better. When we finished the half-hour workout, he had his protein shake and I put in The Firm's Not So Tough Aerobics and put in another 40 minutes.

I felt like a NEW person. Can't believe what a magic pill exercise is. Showered because I was a sweaty mess. Had a small protein snack.

And here I am, wide awake due to two naps and working out late.

Diary, I have been a Firm Believer and haven't been doing many Firms as of late. I love Cathe, I love working out with my son which means Power 90, but the Firms are always first in my heart. I think that I need to do more Firms because they bring me joy--and results.

Diary, I have also come to the conclusion that LIFE isn't always a bed of roses. We aren't supposed to be happy and cheerful all the time. There is a whole range of feelings and emotions, and we aren't really living unless we feel it all. So right now I'm feeling a lot of fear, some sadness, some anger. I'm thankful that I am not stuffing my feelings and can actually feel now.

I also had some joy today. Today I was thankful for:

1. My son, who worked out with me.
2. Sitting outside after dinner, enjoying the birds singing, and the fresh spring air--and the fact the neighbor's poodle wasn't out yapping his head off like normal. lol
3. My bed and my bedroom. It is my favorite room of all time. It's comforting to retreat there when I need to.
4. A comment my husband made. When I was done working out in my size Large Nike t-shirt, he said, "That's going to be way too big on you soon."
5. My old Nike/Reebok/Adidis t-shirts that are size 2XL. Couldn't throw them out because they were favorites--and now they are big and long enough to be nightgowns. They're comfy!
6. Another comment by hubby, "You're starting to get loose skin again." And that means I'm losing fat and it takes a bit of time for the skin to catch up. (True to my history, it isn't showing up on the scale, but it is on my body.)
7. I'm thankful for my new clothes. I feel so much better when I go out and about.
8. Out of coffee and filters, I ran to the store and bought filters and decided to try Duncan Donuts coffee. A splurge as it's expensive, but it is yummy. Decaf, of course. What a joy to have some delicious coffee.
9. My new bob haircut. It's a long bob, but it just feels good.

Counting my blessings because I have many. Thank you all for your support, it means a lot to me.