I had mentioned on Sunday I was weepy all day then cried. Well, I figured the weepy business out. I told DH Sunday that this was very similar to how I felt after having our baby--when I would cry at a Tide commercial. The only difference is I didn't have that euphoric feeling, the feeling of overwhelming love.
I told him I knew it had to be hormones. I was right. My second period of this month started today. I had one on the 3rd that lasted six days, then a week from hell with pain, and now still in pain and another period.
This is scaring me. This is just like my sister, who was diagnosed with ovarian cancer--it was how her periods were a few years before being diagnosed.
Not good at all.
To top all that off, I was up 2 stinking pounds this morning. There's no way possible, it has to be water, because I am on the money with my calories. Ugh.
~~~~
As for being negative on the blog--yes, I know this is my blog and my journey. But I am sick of the negativity. I'm tired of blogging about it. I really am. Thing is, I can't come up with anything else to say right now. lol
5.18.2010
5.17.2010
A Sad Anniversary
My Dad died two years ago today. I don't cry or get upset, as he was 81 and it was his time. I do miss him, though. Watching HBO's The Pacific has had me wondering what his WWII experience was, as he was a Marine in the South Pacific.
~~~
I hate that this blog has become so negative. I cringe and I'm not posting like I used to. I'll just share that the past week has been very hellish as the pain has been very high. Tried to work out on Saturday, and made it 30 minutes through a step routine and had to stop as I was hurting too much. Today I was feeling desperate for a strength workout, so I put in a Cathe STS disk. Surprisingly, I was able to do most of it even though I was in pain. Interestingly, the overhead presses hurt my pain area really bad so I just didn't do them. Also had to modify the push ups that I already modify. lol I felt pleased and much better knowing I did my weights, though.
Pain is still really bad tonight, and I hope to do a cardio tomorrow--time will tell.
It's growing old, fast. I broke down yesterday and sobbed. Actually I wept off and on all day and then finally broke into sobs. Pain, stress and worry, not being able to move like I want to, it just all hit yesterday. Much better today, no tears--even on dad's anniversary.
I have such hope that this pain can be taken care of--and I keep thinking how lucky I am to have the hope and the probability that it will be eliminated. My heart aches for those who suffer chronic pain, especially with no hope of getting relief. Counting my lucky stars on that.
Weighed in the same, which just makes me so mad. I can't help but wonder if the stress, the "whatever is wrong" is just messing up my losses. Of course not being able to exercise doesn't help, either.
Tomorrow I'll try a cardio. Tomorrow I'll also exercise patience. Four weeks from today until surgery. Seems so far away, especially after a week like the past week. Saying prayers, crossing my fingers, and filled with hope.
Can't wait until I can be more positive here--but this just consumes me and I'm not a perky change-the-subject type person. I wear it all on my sleeve.
~~~
Miss you, Dad.
~~~
I hate that this blog has become so negative. I cringe and I'm not posting like I used to. I'll just share that the past week has been very hellish as the pain has been very high. Tried to work out on Saturday, and made it 30 minutes through a step routine and had to stop as I was hurting too much. Today I was feeling desperate for a strength workout, so I put in a Cathe STS disk. Surprisingly, I was able to do most of it even though I was in pain. Interestingly, the overhead presses hurt my pain area really bad so I just didn't do them. Also had to modify the push ups that I already modify. lol I felt pleased and much better knowing I did my weights, though.
Pain is still really bad tonight, and I hope to do a cardio tomorrow--time will tell.
It's growing old, fast. I broke down yesterday and sobbed. Actually I wept off and on all day and then finally broke into sobs. Pain, stress and worry, not being able to move like I want to, it just all hit yesterday. Much better today, no tears--even on dad's anniversary.
I have such hope that this pain can be taken care of--and I keep thinking how lucky I am to have the hope and the probability that it will be eliminated. My heart aches for those who suffer chronic pain, especially with no hope of getting relief. Counting my lucky stars on that.
Weighed in the same, which just makes me so mad. I can't help but wonder if the stress, the "whatever is wrong" is just messing up my losses. Of course not being able to exercise doesn't help, either.
Tomorrow I'll try a cardio. Tomorrow I'll also exercise patience. Four weeks from today until surgery. Seems so far away, especially after a week like the past week. Saying prayers, crossing my fingers, and filled with hope.
Can't wait until I can be more positive here--but this just consumes me and I'm not a perky change-the-subject type person. I wear it all on my sleeve.
~~~
Miss you, Dad.
5.11.2010
Whew!
Called the doctor today and found out I do NOT carry the gene mutation. Whew, thank you, God. Set surgery. Whew. It's a month away, grumble. It's at a bad time, right before DS's summer camp. Told hubby he may have to make the drive instead of me, depending on what happens with my surgery.
Did not get a morning workout in, so will have to do it tonight. I bought some new Christi Taylor DVDs so the toughest thing will be deciding which to do.
Scale is being nice. =D Just hope it continues. lol
Egg night for supper. We all have eggs of our choice, and mine always includes half eggs and half egg beaters. Yum, cheap, and satisfying.
Thinking I'm going to shut down my fitness journal/blog. It takes time, albeit not that much, but I already journal my workouts so I'm just trying to streamline life a bit. Will probably do that this weekend.
Another month of waiting. I didn't get my morning workout in because I was hurting. I am so tired of this, but I've endured it for several months, I can make it one more month. I pray hard that the doctor finds whatever it is giving me problems and is able to correct it.
Finally I feel like things are moving forward. A date set, good news, and renewed hope.
Did not get a morning workout in, so will have to do it tonight. I bought some new Christi Taylor DVDs so the toughest thing will be deciding which to do.
Scale is being nice. =D Just hope it continues. lol
Egg night for supper. We all have eggs of our choice, and mine always includes half eggs and half egg beaters. Yum, cheap, and satisfying.
Thinking I'm going to shut down my fitness journal/blog. It takes time, albeit not that much, but I already journal my workouts so I'm just trying to streamline life a bit. Will probably do that this weekend.
Another month of waiting. I didn't get my morning workout in because I was hurting. I am so tired of this, but I've endured it for several months, I can make it one more month. I pray hard that the doctor finds whatever it is giving me problems and is able to correct it.
Finally I feel like things are moving forward. A date set, good news, and renewed hope.
5.09.2010
What happened? I don't get it!
So last night I did an all-time favorite workout, The Firm's Cardio Step Mix. This was the first workout that I burned over 500 calories with. Last night? I burned 346. The workout didn't feel difficult to me--I mean it's not easy, but I didn't have an "oh-my-God, can I make it?" feeling through at all. In fact, last night I thought, "Wow, at the end already?"
Okay, so this morning I just did The Firm's Express Cardio. This is a 30-minute workout that usually produces a high calorie burn--always over 200. Calorie burn this morning? 131.
So what happened? Did I go to bed one night and the next morning wake up twice as fit as I was before? Am I going to have to work that much harder for a decent calorie burn from now on? Am I going to have to forgo my favorite workouts (Firms) while in the weight-loss process so I can get the calorie burns I need?
I mean this is a good thing--fitness improving. Actually, it's great. That's what I want. But I'm SHOCKED. My heartrate last night and this morning did not raise as high as when I do, say, my new Christi Taylor workout. I had a hard time getting my heart rate up.
I'm in disbelief. I'm going to have to sit down and study my videos, figure out how I can get a better calorie burn and come up with a game plan. (I'm not a runner, have no desire to run, so that's just not an option.)
So it's great, but it sucks, too, because I'm a creature of habit and want what I want when I want it, and that's just not going to work now.
Okay, so this morning I just did The Firm's Express Cardio. This is a 30-minute workout that usually produces a high calorie burn--always over 200. Calorie burn this morning? 131.
So what happened? Did I go to bed one night and the next morning wake up twice as fit as I was before? Am I going to have to work that much harder for a decent calorie burn from now on? Am I going to have to forgo my favorite workouts (Firms) while in the weight-loss process so I can get the calorie burns I need?
I mean this is a good thing--fitness improving. Actually, it's great. That's what I want. But I'm SHOCKED. My heartrate last night and this morning did not raise as high as when I do, say, my new Christi Taylor workout. I had a hard time getting my heart rate up.
I'm in disbelief. I'm going to have to sit down and study my videos, figure out how I can get a better calorie burn and come up with a game plan. (I'm not a runner, have no desire to run, so that's just not an option.)
So it's great, but it sucks, too, because I'm a creature of habit and want what I want when I want it, and that's just not going to work now.
5.08.2010
The Absent Blogger
I guess I haven't blogged in awhile. Hmm. I'm usually vey loquatious.
Got a letter in the mail today from my insurance. I was approved for the genetic testing. (I think it's around $3,000.) The letter was dated May 3, so I'm wondering if they're just holding the blood to test until they receive word. If they are, they take two weeks...which means they'll probably start Monday and then it will be the end of the month.....
The uncertainty is driving me crazy. I will say it freaked me out reading that I was approved for this testing. I already knew my odds were high enough to be tested, but seeing it in print was weird. Still, the odds of having this mutated gene are not high. So yes, I have risk factors, but...crossing my fingers. Either way, my odds of breast and ovarian cancer just went up quite a bit, even without the genes.
On the weight front, the darned scale is not budging. Well, it goes up and down. Here we go again...hubby and I are noticing changes in my body. I have bones emerging that we haven't seen in years. lol But...that darned scale isn't showing it. Just tease me, so close to onederland. I know my body is changing and that's what counts.
I've decided to ramp up the exercise, pain or no. I was given the okay to work out, and I am learning to modify when I'm hurting. It's been a pretty painful week, but I've found my groove again. I think. Exercising is like taking an instant depression pill. Not that I'm depressed, just anxiously waiting for action, but it just lifts my spirits so much. So I'm planning on doubles.
Have started Cathe's STS again. I'm really enjoying it. It's very similar to P90X but it's Cathe, and, well, I just like it a lot more.
That's about it. It's been darned cold here, we're in a freeze alert, was supposed to snow last night and I don't know if it did or not, but it did frost. The heater has been running all week. What happened to spring?
Think I'll go back into my tunnel-vision, self-centered zone now. That's what happens to me when I get overwhelmed. ;-)
Got a letter in the mail today from my insurance. I was approved for the genetic testing. (I think it's around $3,000.) The letter was dated May 3, so I'm wondering if they're just holding the blood to test until they receive word. If they are, they take two weeks...which means they'll probably start Monday and then it will be the end of the month.....
The uncertainty is driving me crazy. I will say it freaked me out reading that I was approved for this testing. I already knew my odds were high enough to be tested, but seeing it in print was weird. Still, the odds of having this mutated gene are not high. So yes, I have risk factors, but...crossing my fingers. Either way, my odds of breast and ovarian cancer just went up quite a bit, even without the genes.
On the weight front, the darned scale is not budging. Well, it goes up and down. Here we go again...hubby and I are noticing changes in my body. I have bones emerging that we haven't seen in years. lol But...that darned scale isn't showing it. Just tease me, so close to onederland. I know my body is changing and that's what counts.
I've decided to ramp up the exercise, pain or no. I was given the okay to work out, and I am learning to modify when I'm hurting. It's been a pretty painful week, but I've found my groove again. I think. Exercising is like taking an instant depression pill. Not that I'm depressed, just anxiously waiting for action, but it just lifts my spirits so much. So I'm planning on doubles.
Have started Cathe's STS again. I'm really enjoying it. It's very similar to P90X but it's Cathe, and, well, I just like it a lot more.
That's about it. It's been darned cold here, we're in a freeze alert, was supposed to snow last night and I don't know if it did or not, but it did frost. The heater has been running all week. What happened to spring?
Think I'll go back into my tunnel-vision, self-centered zone now. That's what happens to me when I get overwhelmed. ;-)
5.05.2010
Call Me
Last Friday when they cancelled my surgery, I was told to call this week and see if the results were in. Knowing full well that those results will probably take two weeks, I decided to call today, Wednesday, figuring they wouldn't be in, but following orders. I wish they would just call me--that seems most logical.
So I called. The person I was to speak to wasn't there. They took my name and number and told me they'd call right back. I waited. I waited all day long. I did not work out because I did not want to miss the call. (Who wants to be breathless and winded on the phone?) Now it is evening and hubby is watching TV, and I don't have oomph to work out. So damn it, I missed my workout because I chose to wait for the phone to ring. Sheesh, I sound like a desperate teenager.
Tomorrow I'm going about my day. If I miss the call, I miss it. Whatever. They can leave a message. My day is not going to be messed up again. I figure they just don't have the results. I am not going to call again until next week.
Note to self: Let's just not forget that I'm still in pain here--the doctor said I know you're having pain, but...so true. I agree, this is important, but there is something wrong that is causing me this stupid pain.
I'm getting tired, grumpy and, well, bitchy. I've tried to quit complaining so much. I reminded hubby today that yes, I'm still in pain, have it right now at this very second, but I just don't need to announce it all the time. (When I just wanted to scream go the hell away, pain!)
Tick, tock goes the clock. I'm waiting. Impatiently. However, my time is valuable, too, and by golly, I'm working out tomorrow and not worrying about the phone.
So there. :-p~~~~
~~~
And on a brighter note, I realized I had not put my current weight into Calorie King for awhile and updated that tonight. Wowser, I dropped about 50 calories. I'm already over about 60 for the day. Ouch. Must remember to keep that current!
~~~
And seriously, on a brighter note, I ordered three more Christi Taylor exercise DVDs today. I love Mary at Total Fitness DVD, but Fitnessfly.com had them much cheaper. Plus, I had a code for 10% off, so I got three for the price of the two I was going to order through Mary or elsewhere. (And that's with Mary's 10% off code, which is 10OFF) To get a code for Fitnessfly, just sign up for their newsletter and they give you a code. =)
As if I need any more DVDs...I'm addicted. What a nice thing to have an addiction to! Better than food any day! I just couldn't help it, Christi is so sweet and fun, she even says please during her videos. lol I just find her so delightful.
So I called. The person I was to speak to wasn't there. They took my name and number and told me they'd call right back. I waited. I waited all day long. I did not work out because I did not want to miss the call. (Who wants to be breathless and winded on the phone?) Now it is evening and hubby is watching TV, and I don't have oomph to work out. So damn it, I missed my workout because I chose to wait for the phone to ring. Sheesh, I sound like a desperate teenager.
Tomorrow I'm going about my day. If I miss the call, I miss it. Whatever. They can leave a message. My day is not going to be messed up again. I figure they just don't have the results. I am not going to call again until next week.
Note to self: Let's just not forget that I'm still in pain here--the doctor said I know you're having pain, but...so true. I agree, this is important, but there is something wrong that is causing me this stupid pain.
I'm getting tired, grumpy and, well, bitchy. I've tried to quit complaining so much. I reminded hubby today that yes, I'm still in pain, have it right now at this very second, but I just don't need to announce it all the time. (When I just wanted to scream go the hell away, pain!)
Tick, tock goes the clock. I'm waiting. Impatiently. However, my time is valuable, too, and by golly, I'm working out tomorrow and not worrying about the phone.
So there. :-p~~~~
~~~
And on a brighter note, I realized I had not put my current weight into Calorie King for awhile and updated that tonight. Wowser, I dropped about 50 calories. I'm already over about 60 for the day. Ouch. Must remember to keep that current!
~~~
And seriously, on a brighter note, I ordered three more Christi Taylor exercise DVDs today. I love Mary at Total Fitness DVD, but Fitnessfly.com had them much cheaper. Plus, I had a code for 10% off, so I got three for the price of the two I was going to order through Mary or elsewhere. (And that's with Mary's 10% off code, which is 10OFF) To get a code for Fitnessfly, just sign up for their newsletter and they give you a code. =)
As if I need any more DVDs...I'm addicted. What a nice thing to have an addiction to! Better than food any day! I just couldn't help it, Christi is so sweet and fun, she even says please during her videos. lol I just find her so delightful.
5.04.2010
A Beautiful Sunset
Tonight I watched one of the most beautiful sunsets I have ever seen. The colors in the sky were on fire and glowed so intently that the color inside the house changed. It was breathtaking. I'm not overly religious, don't go to church, but when I see such things it just makes me feel as if God is pouring His love on everything. =) It actually gives me goosebumps, as I find it highly spiritual.
I shall call the doc tomorrow to see if the results of my test are back. I doubt they are, I'm thinking at least two weeks from what I read online.
Feeling lost with my workouts...I'm going again, but I haven't done a strength workout in a long time. I can really see it in my body, too. Discussed this with hubby tonight. I had wanted to start Cathe's STS, and had done the first few workouts. Then I quit. Do I start, knowing I may have to quit for a bit due to surgery? And what kind of surgery will I have? So many unanswered questions. Hubby and I both decided if I have to stop, I'll stop, but it would be best for me to start STS again. I think that's a good decision.
I have fallen head over hills in love with Christi Taylor's Stepsational step aerobics DVD. I love her personality, the music she's chosen, and it's such a fun workout. Never thought I'd say this, but I love her as much as I love my Firms. I ordered two of her DVDs, did the second today, and it was more difficult for me but the music was great. I have a sneaky suspicion I'll be doing Stepsational frequently.
I have been thinking about stress a lot. Life's too short to get worked up over the little things and even some of the big things. I am one that gets worked up easily. The past few days I've been taking imaginary chill pills. Today I offered an imaginary chill pill to my son and he thought I'd lost my mind. I was just trying to be funny as he was stressing out over his math. The levity worked and he relaxed a bit. I am feeling so much better. I was really feeling squeezed by the world. Now my shoulders aren't next to my ears, I keep the big picture in mind, and I'm just chillin'. That's a good thing.
I think back to my mom, who died before the age of 60, and she was a Type A personality, always stressed out, and I just know that was a huge factor in her health.
So life goes on. I'm still kind of in tunnel vision right now, not much to give to others at the moment. When I know where I'm going, I'll be able to re-focus my energies.
Had a stay-the-same this week for weight. It actually goes up and down between 205.5 and 207. Every other day, back and forth. Haven't figured that one out, but I just laugh at it. I was very thrilled that Monday, official weigh-in day, it was at the lower end. I'm not gaining, and I'm completely within plan eating wise, it's just bopping around. That's okay, for now. I'm hoping that it will just say enough of this playing around, and give me a nice drop. 199 is so darned close.
I shall call the doc tomorrow to see if the results of my test are back. I doubt they are, I'm thinking at least two weeks from what I read online.
Feeling lost with my workouts...I'm going again, but I haven't done a strength workout in a long time. I can really see it in my body, too. Discussed this with hubby tonight. I had wanted to start Cathe's STS, and had done the first few workouts. Then I quit. Do I start, knowing I may have to quit for a bit due to surgery? And what kind of surgery will I have? So many unanswered questions. Hubby and I both decided if I have to stop, I'll stop, but it would be best for me to start STS again. I think that's a good decision.
I have fallen head over hills in love with Christi Taylor's Stepsational step aerobics DVD. I love her personality, the music she's chosen, and it's such a fun workout. Never thought I'd say this, but I love her as much as I love my Firms. I ordered two of her DVDs, did the second today, and it was more difficult for me but the music was great. I have a sneaky suspicion I'll be doing Stepsational frequently.
I have been thinking about stress a lot. Life's too short to get worked up over the little things and even some of the big things. I am one that gets worked up easily. The past few days I've been taking imaginary chill pills. Today I offered an imaginary chill pill to my son and he thought I'd lost my mind. I was just trying to be funny as he was stressing out over his math. The levity worked and he relaxed a bit. I am feeling so much better. I was really feeling squeezed by the world. Now my shoulders aren't next to my ears, I keep the big picture in mind, and I'm just chillin'. That's a good thing.
I think back to my mom, who died before the age of 60, and she was a Type A personality, always stressed out, and I just know that was a huge factor in her health.
So life goes on. I'm still kind of in tunnel vision right now, not much to give to others at the moment. When I know where I'm going, I'll be able to re-focus my energies.
Had a stay-the-same this week for weight. It actually goes up and down between 205.5 and 207. Every other day, back and forth. Haven't figured that one out, but I just laugh at it. I was very thrilled that Monday, official weigh-in day, it was at the lower end. I'm not gaining, and I'm completely within plan eating wise, it's just bopping around. That's okay, for now. I'm hoping that it will just say enough of this playing around, and give me a nice drop. 199 is so darned close.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)