Two years ago today, I started my "diet." I use the word loosely because I knew it was not a diet, yet I didn't want to call it a lifestyle change because I find that term too pop culture. I call what I've been doing my journey, my health journey and/or my fitness journey.
Yes, I've lost a lot of weight. I've whined wishing it were more. It is what it is. My general health has improved greatly. I settled down into a good, um, lifestyle. Then the rug got pulled from my feet.
Finally, the diagnosis delivering me from the years of pain. Pain I now know is called renal colic and by some accounts the most painful thing the human body can endure, and by other accounts, it's in the top four compared to heart attacks, gunshots, and something else, I forget. So get the surgery, get shocked that the recovery was pure hell, and look forward to the day that I get the stent removed.
The day the stent was removed was actually the day the rug got pulled from under. The new kidney stone prevention diet. That diet went against everything I believed: Anything in moderation. When I say anything, that doesn't mean I'm going to eat garbage all day--never did. However, I never felt guilty of I wanted something "not clean" or a little naughty. Overall, my eating had improved vastly.
Until the kidney stone prevention diet. Oh, how I have struggled. The last few weeks I have been severely depressed. I was so bad I spent most of my time in bed, throwing out "I don't cares, "f*ck it," and other comments. I'm pretty ladylike, although I do swear in real life, but my attitude was anything but.
Kept trying to remain cheerful and positive, but I was burst out into tears and the drop of a hat. I was really bad off and was contemplating a phone call to my doctor.
And then it struck me. The thing I've said all along came to mind, this is mostly a mental journey. I was in a mental fog. I just kept thinking about that, the mental journey. Then I used my noggin and asked myself what was it that would make me feel better. My immediate answer was a big bowl of bran flakes and almonds. lol (Yes, seriously!) But then I stepped out of the food box and asked again, what would make me feel better. Exercise. Getting my step count up to 20,000 again. Moving forward. DOING. I thought about that long and hard. Yesterday it came to fruition.
DOING. Just do it. I've used the phrase just do it long before Nike did. Moving. That would make me happy. So yesterday, I set out to do that. My goal was to get 10,000 steps. I did a Leslie DVD and I thought, this is NOOOO fun. This is my sickly workout and I'm tired of walking with Leslie. I want to really work out. So I dusted off my step bench and popped in a short step DVD by Gin Miller. It was short and easy to ease me back. That was all it took. My spirits soared. I was highly active the rest of the day and ended up with 22,900 steps.
Yup, I'M BACK. I had to clear the fog, the stinking thinking, and I had to dig deep and find what it was that would really make me happy.
There's nothing I can do about the fact that I now have a kidney disease. Oh, those two words I was never going to use here. Did you know that if you produce kidney stones, you have kidney disease? When I think of kidney disease, I think of dialysis. However, there are many diseases of the kidney and kidney stones is one of them.
And those two words, kidney disease, are also what put me into a tailspin. This journey had been about saving myself from disease, hoping that it wasn't too late, that I hadn't screwed up my body and could save it. So having a label hurt and hurt bad. However, once I got to thinking about that, I realized that I had had that kidney disease for years but it had not been diagnosed. So that made me feel a little better. Just a little, because the likelihood is that I did it to myself through obesity and dehydration.
And so here is my anniversary, and I've learned a thing or two just in the last few weeks--earth shattering. I'm not a positive person by nature. I'm very black and white and a perfectionist to boot. If I can step out of my shoes when I'm struggling, though, and really think out a problem, I can find a solution.
I don't know if I've licked this depression or not, but my gut is telling me yes. I know myself pretty well. I tend to be an overachiever and I do have my eye on the prize, and it's time to go get it.
So happy anniversary to me. Two years ago I started my "diet" and quest to improve my health. I've done just that. The added bonus has become mental clarity.
I hope next year I'll be at goal. If I'm not, so be it, because I will be the next year. While I want it all yesterday, I'm happy with my new normal--a normal which is always changing.
2.16.2011
2.13.2011
Blogiversary Give Away--$35 Cathe Gift Certificate!
It's celebration time here. I started my blog February 19, 2009. I've gained much through my journey: the friendships and support, better health, lost a few pounds along the way, a diagnosis for my mystery pain finally, and a love of fitness. There have been ups and downs on this journey, but my blog has been the perfect outlet for me.
So to celebrate, I wanted to share my passion: fitness. What to give away? I love my Benson-era Firms, I love Jari Love, and I love Cathe. They're my favorites, although there are many other instructors I love as well.
Since I've given away Firm videos in the past, I decided to give away a gift certificate to Cathe's store. I will never forget the night I sat down at Collage Video's website on the lookout for strength training videos that weren't manly, that were appealing, and would help me on my fitness journey. What I bought were Firm videos. What I was captivated by were the Cathe workouts. I knew I was a beginner and not ready for Cathe. I'm not saying my Firm videos were easy--they weren't. Cathe is different, though. I watched several of Cathe's and knew that I would buy some one day.
And I did. I now own many of her workouts. I'm even good at some of them! lol She is polished, she is highly professional, and she is safe. She has excellent form and is a top-notch instructor. She's Cathe, after all. Her workouts are tough--most are an advanced level, but they're good. They're even fun.
Her step workouts are very enjoyable. I started out with Basic Step, which is her beginner step video. I felt so accomplished when I got that down. Then I moved on. I'm still working on some of her tougher stuff, but it is such a thrill to get through her workouts, to finally perfect a move, and to be dripping in sweat when finished. It's also a great rush to do her weight workouts and be able to up my weights, to feel my muscles working and getting toasty.
Anyway, I want to share the Cathe love with a $35 gift certificate. She runs great sales, and if you sign up for her newsletter, you may be able to find terrific deals.
Here are my give away rules:
First of all, I am not responsible for any injuries sustained when you use your winning DVD. Just had to get that out of the way.
1) Comment here to enter.
2) One entry per person.
3) Leave your email address in your comment so I can contact you.
4) Tell me why you want to win--just curious!
Entries will be taken until February 19 at 12:00 central time.
I will write out all entries and put them in one of my pretty vintage bowls then draw a winner.
I will announce the winner sometime in the evening of February 19, which is my blog anniversary. I will also email the winner.
Winner has until Monday, February 21st, 2011, at 8:00 p.m. central time to respond to me. If I do not hear from the winner, I will draw again.
I think that's all I need!
Happy working out! Work work, as Cathe would say.
So to celebrate, I wanted to share my passion: fitness. What to give away? I love my Benson-era Firms, I love Jari Love, and I love Cathe. They're my favorites, although there are many other instructors I love as well.
Since I've given away Firm videos in the past, I decided to give away a gift certificate to Cathe's store. I will never forget the night I sat down at Collage Video's website on the lookout for strength training videos that weren't manly, that were appealing, and would help me on my fitness journey. What I bought were Firm videos. What I was captivated by were the Cathe workouts. I knew I was a beginner and not ready for Cathe. I'm not saying my Firm videos were easy--they weren't. Cathe is different, though. I watched several of Cathe's and knew that I would buy some one day.
And I did. I now own many of her workouts. I'm even good at some of them! lol She is polished, she is highly professional, and she is safe. She has excellent form and is a top-notch instructor. She's Cathe, after all. Her workouts are tough--most are an advanced level, but they're good. They're even fun.
Her step workouts are very enjoyable. I started out with Basic Step, which is her beginner step video. I felt so accomplished when I got that down. Then I moved on. I'm still working on some of her tougher stuff, but it is such a thrill to get through her workouts, to finally perfect a move, and to be dripping in sweat when finished. It's also a great rush to do her weight workouts and be able to up my weights, to feel my muscles working and getting toasty.
Anyway, I want to share the Cathe love with a $35 gift certificate. She runs great sales, and if you sign up for her newsletter, you may be able to find terrific deals.
Here are my give away rules:
First of all, I am not responsible for any injuries sustained when you use your winning DVD. Just had to get that out of the way.
1) Comment here to enter.
2) One entry per person.
3) Leave your email address in your comment so I can contact you.
4) Tell me why you want to win--just curious!
Entries will be taken until February 19 at 12:00 central time.
I will write out all entries and put them in one of my pretty vintage bowls then draw a winner.
I will announce the winner sometime in the evening of February 19, which is my blog anniversary. I will also email the winner.
Winner has until Monday, February 21st, 2011, at 8:00 p.m. central time to respond to me. If I do not hear from the winner, I will draw again.
I think that's all I need!
Happy working out! Work work, as Cathe would say.
2.12.2011
Feeling Better
That's all, just felt like sharing that my spirits are lifted, I've done a couple workouts. Still tired, but have more energy.
It's good to feel better. =)
It's good to feel better. =)
2.11.2011
The Blog is the Glue!
Celebrating Stephen today, as he was on TV this morning. He gave a great interview. He's looking amazing as well!
The thing that he said that really connected with me was: The blog has been the glue that held it altogether. Amen to that.
With my blog, I feel it's been so negative yet it has been my glue as well. I very, very easily could have given up at any second since last October. The past few weeks have been harder emotionally than I'd care to admit. I said many times,"I give up, and bad word starting with an F it." Only I didn't. I always had the spark in there, it was just dim.
This blogging community is pretty darned inspiring. Amazing accomplishments are inspiring! Best wishes to Stephen with the upcoming marathon!!!
Stephen, you look amazing! Way to go. =)
The thing that he said that really connected with me was: The blog has been the glue that held it altogether. Amen to that.
With my blog, I feel it's been so negative yet it has been my glue as well. I very, very easily could have given up at any second since last October. The past few weeks have been harder emotionally than I'd care to admit. I said many times,"I give up, and bad word starting with an F it." Only I didn't. I always had the spark in there, it was just dim.
This blogging community is pretty darned inspiring. Amazing accomplishments are inspiring! Best wishes to Stephen with the upcoming marathon!!!
Stephen, you look amazing! Way to go. =)
2.10.2011
Snap Out of It!!!
I am having the hardest time snapping out of this funk.
Monday we had to go to the big city for my son's ortho appointment. DH took the afternoon off work to go with. I drove. It was the first time I had driven a car since before my surgery. I don't get out much, do I? lol
I was okay. I tried my best to be cheerful. We had to go to Sam's for some things that are much cheaper than we can buy locally. I ended up getting some lovely plastic 20 oz. insulated BPA free glasses which are colorful and cheerful. If I have to drink like a fiend, I might as well drink out of a pretty glass, right? But the rest of the Sam's Club excursion? BIG mistake. We went up and down the food aisles. At first I joked and said, "I can't have that anymore." We all laughed. Then it got depressing. Everywhere I looked there were things I couldn't have. I ended up teary eyed, pretending to be cheerful but inside--uh huh, I was so sad.
After that, DS had his appointment and then we went to Best Buy. That store is just heavenly--all the coolest techy gadgets. We all had a bad case of the "I wants" while there. BUT then my kidney really started hurting. I was almost shaking and told DH I simply had to leave. Way to put a damper on our day out.
On the way out of town, DH stopped at the local grocery store that has a Starbucks and bought me a tall decaf. I can have that. Wow, was that heavenly.
When we got home? I kicked off my shoes and crawled into bed. I was in that pissy mood once again. That lasted all Monday night until about 6:30 a.m. Couldn't sleep. Saw DH off to work and then I crawled back into bed for about 3 1/2 hours.
Someone asked about our school. School is not suffering at all. For some strange reason, this year I decided to buy a computer program called Switched on Schoolhouse for my son. I never do this, we're usually much more eclectic, but I did it. My son does his school on his own because everything he needs is there. All I have to do is answer questions he has along the way, and check his progress. He's doing very, very well. He's a hard worker and will even do school when our public school has snow days. I give him the option of a free day (sometimes) on those days, but he chooses to do his work. So that's not a concern at all. Thankfully I went that route this year.
So Tuesday I blogged, surfed a bit, but was shaking, exhausted, upset to the point I just could not relax for anything. Then I had a light bulb moment. Xanax. I popped one. It just helped to ease the stress from my body until I got sleepy. I ended up napping for an hour and feeling a bit better. I took one again that evening because when I stood, I couldn't stop shaking my leg. I'm a knee shaker when I sit, and that turned into leg shaking while standing. DH noticed it and called me on it. So I had a good, long peaceful sleep.
Today? Another pity party. DS was really, really sick. He's running a fever and he slept off and on. You know a kid is sick when he doesn't even want to watch TV or any of his DVDs. Poor thing. So I took care of him, feigned cheerfulness, but I was still in a mood.
I thought about doing a workout. I thought about getting out of the house, but since DS was sick, I chose not to. I thought about a workout again--actually many times throughout the day--but I didn't.
For the life of me, I cannot figure this out. I was counting the days, the minutes, the seconds until I could plug a DVD in and GO. Now? It's as if I'm scared to take the plunge. I have done two mile-long walking workouts post surgery. That's it. I wasn't quite ready for them. I had no idea the recovery from this "easy" surgery would be so difficult.
I need to snap out of this and fast. I'm really being a Debbie Downer. I'm closing my eyes to all new food possibilities because I can't have what I want. I've always been able to make change by going slow. Eliminate one thing at a time, add one thing at a time. It worked and worked well. Now? Slam, bam, a huge list of no's is facing me and I'm revolting. Tell me I can't have something and I want it all the more.
SNAP OUT OF IT!!!!!!!!
Tomorrow I'm going to do *something* physical. I would really love to plug in a Firm VHS or DVD and do it. I'll settle for a walking workout. Something. Anything. I always said that my workouts were my anti-depressants. Well, if I've ever needed one, it's NOW.
Monday we had to go to the big city for my son's ortho appointment. DH took the afternoon off work to go with. I drove. It was the first time I had driven a car since before my surgery. I don't get out much, do I? lol
I was okay. I tried my best to be cheerful. We had to go to Sam's for some things that are much cheaper than we can buy locally. I ended up getting some lovely plastic 20 oz. insulated BPA free glasses which are colorful and cheerful. If I have to drink like a fiend, I might as well drink out of a pretty glass, right? But the rest of the Sam's Club excursion? BIG mistake. We went up and down the food aisles. At first I joked and said, "I can't have that anymore." We all laughed. Then it got depressing. Everywhere I looked there were things I couldn't have. I ended up teary eyed, pretending to be cheerful but inside--uh huh, I was so sad.
After that, DS had his appointment and then we went to Best Buy. That store is just heavenly--all the coolest techy gadgets. We all had a bad case of the "I wants" while there. BUT then my kidney really started hurting. I was almost shaking and told DH I simply had to leave. Way to put a damper on our day out.
On the way out of town, DH stopped at the local grocery store that has a Starbucks and bought me a tall decaf. I can have that. Wow, was that heavenly.
When we got home? I kicked off my shoes and crawled into bed. I was in that pissy mood once again. That lasted all Monday night until about 6:30 a.m. Couldn't sleep. Saw DH off to work and then I crawled back into bed for about 3 1/2 hours.
Someone asked about our school. School is not suffering at all. For some strange reason, this year I decided to buy a computer program called Switched on Schoolhouse for my son. I never do this, we're usually much more eclectic, but I did it. My son does his school on his own because everything he needs is there. All I have to do is answer questions he has along the way, and check his progress. He's doing very, very well. He's a hard worker and will even do school when our public school has snow days. I give him the option of a free day (sometimes) on those days, but he chooses to do his work. So that's not a concern at all. Thankfully I went that route this year.
So Tuesday I blogged, surfed a bit, but was shaking, exhausted, upset to the point I just could not relax for anything. Then I had a light bulb moment. Xanax. I popped one. It just helped to ease the stress from my body until I got sleepy. I ended up napping for an hour and feeling a bit better. I took one again that evening because when I stood, I couldn't stop shaking my leg. I'm a knee shaker when I sit, and that turned into leg shaking while standing. DH noticed it and called me on it. So I had a good, long peaceful sleep.
Today? Another pity party. DS was really, really sick. He's running a fever and he slept off and on. You know a kid is sick when he doesn't even want to watch TV or any of his DVDs. Poor thing. So I took care of him, feigned cheerfulness, but I was still in a mood.
I thought about doing a workout. I thought about getting out of the house, but since DS was sick, I chose not to. I thought about a workout again--actually many times throughout the day--but I didn't.
For the life of me, I cannot figure this out. I was counting the days, the minutes, the seconds until I could plug a DVD in and GO. Now? It's as if I'm scared to take the plunge. I have done two mile-long walking workouts post surgery. That's it. I wasn't quite ready for them. I had no idea the recovery from this "easy" surgery would be so difficult.
I need to snap out of this and fast. I'm really being a Debbie Downer. I'm closing my eyes to all new food possibilities because I can't have what I want. I've always been able to make change by going slow. Eliminate one thing at a time, add one thing at a time. It worked and worked well. Now? Slam, bam, a huge list of no's is facing me and I'm revolting. Tell me I can't have something and I want it all the more.
SNAP OUT OF IT!!!!!!!!
Tomorrow I'm going to do *something* physical. I would really love to plug in a Firm VHS or DVD and do it. I'll settle for a walking workout. Something. Anything. I always said that my workouts were my anti-depressants. Well, if I've ever needed one, it's NOW.
2.09.2011
Hungry for Breakfast!
I desperately need help with breakfast ideas. This is the worst hurdle in this change of diet for me.
When I was a kid, I ate Kellogg's 40% Bran Flakes every morning. I loved them with all my heart. Yes, there were times as a kid that mom would buy Cap'n Crunch or Count Chocula, which were rare treats. She'd even buy Cheerios on occasion, but my day did not start well unless I had my Kellogg's 40% Bran Flakes.
As time went on, Kellogg's changed the name of the cereal to Kellogg's Complete. I still ate them every single morning for breakfast without fail.
Within recent years, the name changed yet again. They are now called Kellogg's All Bran Complete. This is one of my very favorite things. It's one thing I would request if I was going to be stranded on a desert island (along with the milk to go with them).
When I started this health journey, I changed things a bit. I had one serving of my bran flakes and one serving of Fiber One. Pure heaven. 20 grams of fiber to start the day. Very filling. Just over 250 calories that would fill me up until lunch. I'd usually have a banana or orange juice to go with them.
No more. My beloved bran flakes have 141 mg of oxalate in them. Fiber One has 142 mg of oxalate per serving.
I am so lost with breakfast now. Yes, I'm aware these cereals are a processed food. They are one of the few processed foods that I eat--ate.
This week, hubby brought home a box of Cheerios. Not bad, but man oh man, I was hungry an hour after eating them. Last night he brought home some Quaker oat square things that look like shredded wheat. I tried a bowl--GROSS.
I don't know what to eat for breakfast. I do NOT cook for breakfast. I cannot tolerate eggs first thing in the morning. I love them for lunch or dinner, but my tummy doesn't do well having them for breakfast. Oatmeal--I can take it or leave it. It's a breakfast food that I really enjoy for dinner. I just don't like hot food in the morning other than coffee.
What do I eat? I'm not a morning person at all, so I won't be making a smoothie. I just want something I can blindly pour and eat.
Help!
Any cereal I buy cannot have high fructose corn cereal. It cannot be wheat based or have whole wheat. Both of those are high oxalate. I cannot have toast with peanut butter. Peanut butter is a no-no.
Damn, I'm HUNGRY. My days are just off. More times than not, such as this morning at 11:45, I am just not eating anything. That is HORRIBLE. It is so bad for the metabolism. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
So no eggs, limited choices with cereal, nothing hot, nothing that requires brain cells to prepare because mine don't kick in until noon. Actually, whatever I eat needs to be low protein.
Any ideas?
When I was a kid, I ate Kellogg's 40% Bran Flakes every morning. I loved them with all my heart. Yes, there were times as a kid that mom would buy Cap'n Crunch or Count Chocula, which were rare treats. She'd even buy Cheerios on occasion, but my day did not start well unless I had my Kellogg's 40% Bran Flakes.
As time went on, Kellogg's changed the name of the cereal to Kellogg's Complete. I still ate them every single morning for breakfast without fail.
Within recent years, the name changed yet again. They are now called Kellogg's All Bran Complete. This is one of my very favorite things. It's one thing I would request if I was going to be stranded on a desert island (along with the milk to go with them).
When I started this health journey, I changed things a bit. I had one serving of my bran flakes and one serving of Fiber One. Pure heaven. 20 grams of fiber to start the day. Very filling. Just over 250 calories that would fill me up until lunch. I'd usually have a banana or orange juice to go with them.
No more. My beloved bran flakes have 141 mg of oxalate in them. Fiber One has 142 mg of oxalate per serving.
I am so lost with breakfast now. Yes, I'm aware these cereals are a processed food. They are one of the few processed foods that I eat--ate.
This week, hubby brought home a box of Cheerios. Not bad, but man oh man, I was hungry an hour after eating them. Last night he brought home some Quaker oat square things that look like shredded wheat. I tried a bowl--GROSS.
I don't know what to eat for breakfast. I do NOT cook for breakfast. I cannot tolerate eggs first thing in the morning. I love them for lunch or dinner, but my tummy doesn't do well having them for breakfast. Oatmeal--I can take it or leave it. It's a breakfast food that I really enjoy for dinner. I just don't like hot food in the morning other than coffee.
What do I eat? I'm not a morning person at all, so I won't be making a smoothie. I just want something I can blindly pour and eat.
Help!
Any cereal I buy cannot have high fructose corn cereal. It cannot be wheat based or have whole wheat. Both of those are high oxalate. I cannot have toast with peanut butter. Peanut butter is a no-no.
Damn, I'm HUNGRY. My days are just off. More times than not, such as this morning at 11:45, I am just not eating anything. That is HORRIBLE. It is so bad for the metabolism. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
So no eggs, limited choices with cereal, nothing hot, nothing that requires brain cells to prepare because mine don't kick in until noon. Actually, whatever I eat needs to be low protein.
Any ideas?
2.07.2011
MAJOR Meltdown
I had a meltdown this weekend the likes of which I don't think my family has ever witnessed. It was not pretty.
I was angry--I was fuming mad. I was sad to the point I just burst out bawling at the drop of a hat. I was more emotional than I think I ever have been.
This started Friday. Saturday my Low Oxalate Cookbook and Kidney Stone book arrived from Amazon. I am not a violent person. Let me just admit, though, that I got so piping hot mad that I threw that Kidney Stone book across the room. I threw it three different times.
Not necessarily proud of my behavior.
However, I was truly depressed. I was despondent, I had to give up some of my very favorite foods. Almonds? I eat almonds every single day. They're one of my very favorite things, and they're SOOOO good for your heart. Never again, because they are horribly high in oxalate. Tomato sauces, bean burritos, my bran flakes, this, that and the other...all gone.
When I was a touch calmer, I said to my husband, "How would you feel if you were told you could no longer eat your favorite foods?" Then I listed his favorites. Ever again, never, no more, history, no more favorite foods. He felt for me and tried to share that with me but I didn't want to be consoled. I just needed to vent, fume, cry and have a big temper tantrum.
Last night hubby slept on the couch (gee, I wonder why) and I was up all night. I tried to sleep, but I kept getting angry, would hop out of bed and pace.
I had had it. I was done. This get healthy thing was total BS. I've been sicker than I ever have in my life since starting this journey. Pain, pain, pain. Come on, three surgeries in less than two years? I was done. I repeated that all weekend. Done. I don't care. I even took off my fitbit and said no more. I haven't put it back on. I decided I was done exercising. Why bother? It produces sweat and I will have to drink so much more water to make up for the loss, I'm sure I'd have to go potty during an hour-long workout to boot. Didn't matter that I love it, I decided I'd find something else to love.
Yup, my life was literally in the toilet.
Toilet. Yes, that's one of the reasons I was so pissed off. Since upping my fluid intake to a cup an hour, I have been on that toilet about every 20 minutes. I cannot hold it, I have to go. I have always had a weak bladder, and this was the final straw. Picture me in a melodramatic mood crying, "My life is literally in the toilet." The realist in me knows that statement is true, but I sure was in drama queen mode.
I actually shut my computer off and didn't log on all weekend. I have never done that! I was going to take the blog down, I was going to close my Facebook, I was going to quit visiting my favorite forums. I was in passive aggressive mode, letting my inner bitch shine though. I was hurting. I was sad. I was scared. I was a mess.
This morning my husband got up and we talked over a cup of coffee. He had a good night's sleep, I had not slept at all. I told him I was so mad at myself, that I was the one who ruined my health in the first place with poor choices. His response? B*llsh*t. He told me to quit living in the past, and if I must look at the past, look at the last two years where I had literally worked my but off. He reminded me of all the fantastic health improvements I had made. I was still in a pissy mood, excused myself, and went to bed.
I slept from about 6:30 until noon. I woke up and I just felt better. My mom came to mind. In fact, I had dreamt about her. I remember her telling me that it was very common for people to suffer depressive episodes after surgeries. I thought on that awhile. Talked with hubby awhile and thanked him for his positive words because I really think that they helped pull me out of that dark place. I also told hubby that this dark place that I was in was just from exhaustion. It was exhaustion and frustration of three surgeries in two years two of which were probably unnecessary, of not being diagnosed correctly, of all the flipping pain that I had endured for so long, of the worry, the stress, and then the wonderful surgery to end my suffering which turned out to be torture during the recovery. I had not expected that at all. So the day the stent came out was to be a day of celebration. Instead, I was told what all I had to give up. It was no celebration, it was the straw that broke the camel's back.
So tonight, as I'm sitting here, I'm glad the weekend is over. I think I needed the darkness so I could see the light. I think that spark is back, that fight, that determination. I think I'll be okay.
I have made small changes all along this journey. Some of the changes I make with the new diet will have to come slowly, others quickly. A few things I am giving up immediately. Others I will have to work at. I will have to study my diet, look for alternatives, find new recipes. What a royal pain in the butt.
The water/bathroom issue I have come up with a solution. The fact is, when I leave the house or have to drive somewhere, I simply cannot drink. However, if I eat a meal out while I'm away, we can take our time and I can start by drinking a glass of water before we eat, and another after. Then I can sit and relax a bit and then hit the bathroom. The minute I get home, I can drink water again every hour. I can do as that book suggested and drink before bed, get up in the middle of the night to go--I already do that a couple times a night anyway.
The point is, I don't have to be PERFECT. I can do my best--and I usually do put 100% into something I attempt. I can compromise. Perfectionism is one of my downfalls.
So there you have it. A glimpse into my not-so-perfect world, a view of me in my worst possible light. I'm human. I am 45, I have temper tantrums and pity parties. Fortunately, I snap out of it.
The fitbit is going back on first thing tomorrow morning. I'm still not ready to push things as my kidney is still talking to me. I had a false start, got some good steps in two days, but the kidney has been uncomfortable. So it's telling me to hang on just a bit longer. I can do that.
I can do that. I can and I will. Slow and steady wins the race. Good words to live by.
I was angry--I was fuming mad. I was sad to the point I just burst out bawling at the drop of a hat. I was more emotional than I think I ever have been.
This started Friday. Saturday my Low Oxalate Cookbook and Kidney Stone book arrived from Amazon. I am not a violent person. Let me just admit, though, that I got so piping hot mad that I threw that Kidney Stone book across the room. I threw it three different times.
Not necessarily proud of my behavior.
However, I was truly depressed. I was despondent, I had to give up some of my very favorite foods. Almonds? I eat almonds every single day. They're one of my very favorite things, and they're SOOOO good for your heart. Never again, because they are horribly high in oxalate. Tomato sauces, bean burritos, my bran flakes, this, that and the other...all gone.
When I was a touch calmer, I said to my husband, "How would you feel if you were told you could no longer eat your favorite foods?" Then I listed his favorites. Ever again, never, no more, history, no more favorite foods. He felt for me and tried to share that with me but I didn't want to be consoled. I just needed to vent, fume, cry and have a big temper tantrum.
Last night hubby slept on the couch (gee, I wonder why) and I was up all night. I tried to sleep, but I kept getting angry, would hop out of bed and pace.
I had had it. I was done. This get healthy thing was total BS. I've been sicker than I ever have in my life since starting this journey. Pain, pain, pain. Come on, three surgeries in less than two years? I was done. I repeated that all weekend. Done. I don't care. I even took off my fitbit and said no more. I haven't put it back on. I decided I was done exercising. Why bother? It produces sweat and I will have to drink so much more water to make up for the loss, I'm sure I'd have to go potty during an hour-long workout to boot. Didn't matter that I love it, I decided I'd find something else to love.
Yup, my life was literally in the toilet.
Toilet. Yes, that's one of the reasons I was so pissed off. Since upping my fluid intake to a cup an hour, I have been on that toilet about every 20 minutes. I cannot hold it, I have to go. I have always had a weak bladder, and this was the final straw. Picture me in a melodramatic mood crying, "My life is literally in the toilet." The realist in me knows that statement is true, but I sure was in drama queen mode.
I actually shut my computer off and didn't log on all weekend. I have never done that! I was going to take the blog down, I was going to close my Facebook, I was going to quit visiting my favorite forums. I was in passive aggressive mode, letting my inner bitch shine though. I was hurting. I was sad. I was scared. I was a mess.
This morning my husband got up and we talked over a cup of coffee. He had a good night's sleep, I had not slept at all. I told him I was so mad at myself, that I was the one who ruined my health in the first place with poor choices. His response? B*llsh*t. He told me to quit living in the past, and if I must look at the past, look at the last two years where I had literally worked my but off. He reminded me of all the fantastic health improvements I had made. I was still in a pissy mood, excused myself, and went to bed.
I slept from about 6:30 until noon. I woke up and I just felt better. My mom came to mind. In fact, I had dreamt about her. I remember her telling me that it was very common for people to suffer depressive episodes after surgeries. I thought on that awhile. Talked with hubby awhile and thanked him for his positive words because I really think that they helped pull me out of that dark place. I also told hubby that this dark place that I was in was just from exhaustion. It was exhaustion and frustration of three surgeries in two years two of which were probably unnecessary, of not being diagnosed correctly, of all the flipping pain that I had endured for so long, of the worry, the stress, and then the wonderful surgery to end my suffering which turned out to be torture during the recovery. I had not expected that at all. So the day the stent came out was to be a day of celebration. Instead, I was told what all I had to give up. It was no celebration, it was the straw that broke the camel's back.
So tonight, as I'm sitting here, I'm glad the weekend is over. I think I needed the darkness so I could see the light. I think that spark is back, that fight, that determination. I think I'll be okay.
I have made small changes all along this journey. Some of the changes I make with the new diet will have to come slowly, others quickly. A few things I am giving up immediately. Others I will have to work at. I will have to study my diet, look for alternatives, find new recipes. What a royal pain in the butt.
The water/bathroom issue I have come up with a solution. The fact is, when I leave the house or have to drive somewhere, I simply cannot drink. However, if I eat a meal out while I'm away, we can take our time and I can start by drinking a glass of water before we eat, and another after. Then I can sit and relax a bit and then hit the bathroom. The minute I get home, I can drink water again every hour. I can do as that book suggested and drink before bed, get up in the middle of the night to go--I already do that a couple times a night anyway.
The point is, I don't have to be PERFECT. I can do my best--and I usually do put 100% into something I attempt. I can compromise. Perfectionism is one of my downfalls.
So there you have it. A glimpse into my not-so-perfect world, a view of me in my worst possible light. I'm human. I am 45, I have temper tantrums and pity parties. Fortunately, I snap out of it.
The fitbit is going back on first thing tomorrow morning. I'm still not ready to push things as my kidney is still talking to me. I had a false start, got some good steps in two days, but the kidney has been uncomfortable. So it's telling me to hang on just a bit longer. I can do that.
I can do that. I can and I will. Slow and steady wins the race. Good words to live by.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)