May 24, 2014

Today was better.   No workout, but we weren't home most the day.  My son wanted to try Chipotle, so we all drove to the big city and had some (900 calories of burrito heaven that sufficed as lunch and dinner!!!), we walked until I about dropped.

Hubby bought me a new pair of shoes.   He walked by and said, "Those are you."  And they are, I'm very patriotic, and it's red, white and blue--stars and stripes.  These are my new gym shoes.  Since I don't treadmill or do any cardio on my feet, these will work just fine.  I do love them!

I got to thinking about friendships today as we were driving back.  Twice this week I've reached out to good friends to share my woes and ask for advice.  Twice I've been let down with not only their responses, but the way they responded.  I am usually the type to stay quiet, not complaining too much to *most* (not all) people and I've found when I need help, they don't like it.  I find it amazing, because they can complain about something as minor as a hang nail as if it's the end of the world.  Yet something so troubling to me, I'm not only blown off, but told to get a hold of myself--or worse.

One of the friendships, I decided was important enough to talk it through--and we did.  The other? I just decided to let it go, back off.  I care, I always will, but at this stage in life, I need to care about me more. If I ask for help and get yelled at, that's just not a good thing.  I wouldn't do that to a friend, ever.  And so it goes.

This morning before we left, I spent a couple hours de-stressing, watching You Tube fitness videos and reading my weight lifting books.  My stress melted away.  Getting out of the house helped a lot, too.  I think I have a fresh, new perspective and am ready to face things head on.

I have a date with myself for the gym tomorrow, my goals set for the day, and I even ran to the good grocery store before it closed tonight to buy my protein for the week.  They are closed on Sundays and they'll be closed this Monday, too.  So I planned ahead for that. Tomorrow is training day, homework and food prep.

It's all good.  

Never, ever give up.  

Today?

Epic fail.

That's all I got.

Weekends are not good for me, highly stressful.  Will give it all I got to get through it.

Lots of pain in legs and feet.  I'm so tired of it, not willing to accept it, but I need to.  It has not gotten better, only worse.  Two years now.  It is what it is.

Onward and upward.

A Better Day

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Today was better.  That's good.

I met my friend at the school gym. I actually got there before he did, and I hopped on the bike.  I put in 35 minutes on the bike, rode just shy of 9 miles, had an excellent calorie burn.  Then the drill sergeant made me do planks, crunches, push-ups, and flutter kicks.

Flutter kicks will be the death of me.

I muttered profanity a few times, then went beyond muttering to just outright blurting it out.  =)

I also kept saying this:  I will get better.

Tonight I went for a half hour walk.  I logged just shy of 15,000 steps.  Had a great calorie burn for the day.

Food was interesting.  I had 360 calories for breakfast and didn't eat until after 3.  I went to Chipotle, and figured my meal was 900 calories.  That's a lot.  However, it was so filling that I didn't eat dinner.  I did eat a snack and came in at 1460 calories for the day.

Attitude was better, although not perfect.  I'm not perfect nor do I have to be.

Two steps forward!

So today, Wednesday, was a day of depression.  I stayed in bed most of the day.  Zero energy, extremely negative thoughts that I couldn't shake.  I was so excited for my internship so that I could be in an office around people only to learn I don't go to the office, I do all my work on my own.  I even bought new shirts. Frankly, I was devastated.  I crave being around more people in a setting other than a classroom.  I miss working for that very reason.

So tonight I bought yet another book not on depression, but on changing our thinking patterns, reprogramming our brain.  It's the negative self-thoughts that are doing me under.  I need to do some things:

1. Develop a routine
2. Set some goals
3. Try something new
Other things, that I am already working on.

My something new:  I found a class for Buddhist meditation.  I just need to get the specific info on how much and when, and do it.  I'm not a Buddhist, but I think the principles of meditation would be highly beneficial.  I have tons of goals, and I need to make a routine for the days I don't travel.

Sounds easy enough.

And I have to work on those negative thoughts.

One final comment.  I have depression.  It his highly stigmatized.  Here's the deal: You wouldn't make fun of someone with cancer or tell them to pull themselves up by the bootstraps or get over it, so please remember that those who have depression deserve that same respect.  It boils down to being a brain chemistry problem.   I am fighting hard at curing this, and am well on my way.  In reality, you also wouldn't make fun of someone who has obesity or morbid obesity--that is mostly a mental issue as well.  So be kind, stop and think before casting judgment.

Fair?

Today I was reminded that life is not fair.  It never has been, nor will it ever be.  While that's not ideal, it's okay because it is what it is.  I had a struggle with something, but talked it out with several friends.  In the end, my soul is uncomfortable with what I have to do yet I am going for a piece of paper, and I must jump through the hoops.  We chose our battles in life, and this isn't one worth fighting.

What is worth fighting for is health.  Today after a stressful morning, a friend and I hit the gym at school.  I had been there but never worked out there.  The horror of dressing in a dressing room hit.  I was the only one in there, until I wasn't.  My pants were off, so very exposed, and in she walked.  I quickly put on my capris.  I was so uncomfortable that I didn't not change into my sports bra, but did put on my big, baggy t-shirt.  I don't wear baggy t-shirts to my gym, but felt the need to hide at the school with all the young, beautiful bodies.

I decided to be proactive.  I started talking to her.  I showed her my feet and joked about my hideous attempt at a spray tan.  It is funny, I look like an orange zebra. She laughed, and was very nice. We talked a bit about the gym, working out, and then we both went our way.

It wasn't that bad after all.  You just need to get over your own insecurities.  People generally are only concerned about themselves, and that's an important lesson to remember.  It was a nice encounter.

My friend is in the Armed Forces.  He works out differently than I do.  I did 20 minutes of cardio, less than what I normally do.  I did the bikes, while he ran on the treadmill.  We were across the gym from one another.  After, he told me something that shocked me.  He said it was very noticeable that I was working out much harder than the other women there.  My feet were going faster.  I was sweating bullets.  Not only were my feet going fast, but I had it on a higher setting to make it hard.  I had a good heart rate and was sweating bullets.

Then instead of doing weights, we did the Army thing--body weight.  My friend is so encouraging and gentle. I did one push up.  One. And I didn't go down very far.  I used to be able to do 15 on my toes.  Today it was one.  It's a start.  We did planks, I did crunches and he did sit ups, donkey kicks, some yoga poses and called it good.  I was shocked at how hard it was to do body weight stuff.  It's not my cup of tea, never was. I realized it is imperative that I cross train and add some more in instead of just doing weights.

For a few months this summer, it will work out that we can work out together three times a week!  I'm very excited about this.  I will still have to do my own stuff at home, because 20 minutes of cardio isn't enough for me--but it felt so good.  I'm excited to have a workout partner, something I have always wanted.  He's a great kid.

I hit 15,000 steps today.  I haven't had that high of a step count in ages.

All said and done, with the ups and downs of the day, it was a great day.

Star Date: 5-19-14

It was a Murphy's Law day.  I overslept, went to get gas only to discover I left my wallet at home, was late to my meeting for my internship, spilled half a cup of Starbucks in her office.  I don't know which was worse, the fact I spilled it on her carpet OR the fact that I did not get to consume that half cup of Starbucks!  LOL  

I did not work out today.  :p  I didn't have time.  Big excuse.  I was gone all day, got home and had supper, had to run to the store, do homework and that consumed my time.  I could have worked out about a half hour ago, but then I wouldn't sleep and I have to get up before the crack of dawn tomorrow.  Sleep is more important.

Tomorrow I have a "date" with a classmate to go to the school gym.  I'm nervous about this ONLY because I did a self spray tan and I am streaked terribly.  I look like a white and brown zebra.  I tried to fix it tonight. Oh, the things we do in the name of vanity.  Aside from having ugly skin at the moment, I'm looking forward to trying the bikes at the school gym.  I've been in there once, but never worked out.  Tomorrow's the day. Yay.  And if that doesn't kill me, I may go to my gym there in town because they have a Step Mill.  That is supposed to be the ultimate cardio.  I plan on climbing those stairs like a grandma!

Eating was okay, in my flurry this morning I left my lunch behind.  I had a taco and burrito at Taco Bell on campus.  Not the best, but I restrained from getting more garbage.

I did not fulfill the provisions in my contract to myself today.  Tomorrow, I will.  We can only get better and better.  I am on a campaign to stop the self hate, so I'm not going to worry about my imperfections today.  It was good enough.

Sunday

I met many of my goals today, but not all.

I have one wish.  I wish people would be nice.  If they don't have anything kind to say, just shut up.  Really. Words can be like knives, they stab and cut.  It's uncool.

I got my big book/journal all done.  Tomorrow I will print the color photos of myself and a couple motivational sayings and have the book bound.  

I made myself a journal because I don't like what's out there, and I wanted everything mapped out in one place.  I didn't want to have to think, I just want to grab and go.  Here are the pages in my book:

Title
Favorite quote ever
Contract
Goal sheet
Countdown chart
Measurements
Quotes
Photos of me
Captain’s Log (data)
Supplements
Food--favorite recipes
Menu Planning pages
Training Regime
Video Breakdowns
Training Schedule
Workout Log



My quirky sense of humor had to be a part of it, so my health log was titled Captain's log, and instead of date, I wrote star date. It's the little things, you know.


I had contacted a few personal trainers and couldn't afford them. They also treated me as if I was stupid, like I still ate 100-calorie packs (never did), ate at McDonald's and knew nothing. For Pete's sake, I lost 108 pounds. That didn't happen by not researching, tweaking, and kicking a$!!! So I decided to give myself credit. I am my own coach/personal trainer now. I will work out at the gym, and use some Cathe Freidrich videos at home. I know how to eat, so I will.


I decided to name "my business." I don't need to share that here, but I made a beautiful letterhead, and put that at the top of 99% of the pages. It's in a pretty, girly font. I used my address and phone number. Did I need to? No! ha! I wanted it to look special, though, and I like professionalism.


The book is about an inch thick. The most important thing in it is the contract. I need to honor myself. I need to respect myself. I moved mountains. I will move mountains again. I'm that good. Yes, I said it!


So here's to me, a good, long progress, hard work, healthy eating, and honoring and loving myself.


Here's a couple pages from my book. My very favorite quote ever, which is at the top of my blog. Also, my captain's log.


Now it's time to crush it!!!