Well, That's Depressing

I was looking for something on my blog the other night and I ran into post after post after post about DEPRESSION.  A topic that is in the news right now due to the tragic suicide of Robin Williams.  His death made me stop social media for a few days, because I found it overwhelmingly depressing.

I don't want to be depressed.  Many people are, and no one else wants to be, either.  I read a book recently that said it's very easy to stay in that depressed rut because it's comfortable.  I didn't like that.  Is that me? Perhaps. Maybe not.

If you are depressed, see a doctor.  Because I am neither a physician nor a professional, I must put that caveat in.  I have learned that besides, or in addition to, prescription medication, there are two things that can help relieve depression with about the same success rate as medication.  Also, I read that if 50% of your symptoms dissipate while on medication, that is considered a cure!  50%!  Not very good.

The first thing to do is exercise.  It produces all those feel-good hormones and brain chemicals.  It's SO difficult to exercise when you are depressed, but it makes you feel better.  Last night I was very down and did not work out.  However, my son and I went for a drive and we ended up parking the car and walked for 45 minutes. I felt so much better.  It was night and day difference.

Secondly, meditation.  It is proven to help with depression, stress, and life in general.  It's hard to learn to do, and I'm working diligently on it.  I found a free How To Meditate series, courtesy of the author Sara L. Stein.  Go here for a free download.  I practiced this "release" meditation tonight for five minutes.  I set the timer on my phone, and was surprised at how quickly the time passed.  It helped a great deal and the tension was gone from my body.

I know my biggest struggle in life is that I do not handle stress well, I have depression, and self-esteem/body confidence issues.  This can all be overcome.  I believe that with all my heart.

Right now I am going through a very tough time.  Personal matters, a new semester in school is about to start, and other things that I cannot mention are hanging over my head.  It does not have to weigh me down. It does not have to bring me down.  Stay the course, take breathers, when my thinking gets to stinking, I just need to bring myself into check.

My eating has not been good at all.  I've been craving and consuming carbs and milk.  I learned that is a natural response to try to get more serotonin. Tomorrow, first thing, it's off to the grocery store to make sure I have adequate protein, veggies and healthier good carbs.  Tomorrow I will also get a good workout in.  A walk is good, but I can do better.  And I will.

There will be no loss on the scale tomorrow.  That's okay, because tomorrow is one day.  There will be in the future.

Food for Thought

I am reading a book that I really enjoy.  It by "a fat" psychiatrist.  I have highlighted so much on my Kindle, it's amazing.  These passages stood out to me.  I look in the mirror with disgust.  That's really stupid, isn't it.  This book is slow reading for me because I put it down and think and think about what she has written.  I'm sure that would make her happy.  

"Obese people have become enemies to their bodies. They view their bodies as traitors, ugly horrible things that have failed them." 

"Your body is not your enemy; it hasn't sabotaged your pleasure. It doesn't deserve your hate. You pour toxic poisonous food into it and your body works endlessly to clean it out. And to heal. And when you do it again, your body starts the whole process over. Your body never says to you, 'I hate what you're feeding me, I hate you.' Instead, your body says, 'I will make energy from what you have given me. I will move you closer to whatever you desire with the energy I make. I will gulp bad air and poisonous food and I will sit in one position even though it causes me pain, if that is what you want me to do. I am here to serve you. I am your best and oldest friend in this lifetime. I know you when you are tired, and sad, and when you hate me, I will still take what you give me and make energy for you. I love you. I forgive you, I'm sorry if what I do is not enough. Thank you for being one with me.'"

~Sara L. Stein, Obese from the Heart: A Fat Psychiatrist Discloses

Deep Thoughts

Oh, yes, my humor shines through...Deep Thoughts with Stuart Smalley.  Ahem.



I had a down day today.  I chose a cheat meal tonight.  That's okay, because I have planned on that--life happens.  That way I don't go crazy when I crave something, I plan it.  However, I had a down day and didn't work out.



I called a friend and talked over an hour.  She mentioned it, and I had to agree.  I am very lonely.  I know a lot of people in my town, but I have no friends here.  Those that I did have moved away.  Summer is difficult because I'm not on campus and around people.  Isolation sucks.  It does not help the ongoing depression.



My friend that I visited with worked with me.  She saw me around people, she got to know me very well. She has since moved across the country, so I'm thankful we have phones!  She said I was very likable and a people person.  That sounded so odd to me as I just have not clicked here.  I have lived here for 17 years!!!



That's okay.  I think tomorrow I will force myself out.  I will go to the gym just to be around people. That helps.  I might dig through my change jar and go for a cup of coffee and take a book.  Just getting out does so much.



Stagnating in my home does no good.  It's an excuse, and it fans the depression.  Getting out, getting new energy, sights, sounds and smells--maybe smiles is a good way to conquer it.  Being active is as well.



So tomorrow, hitting it hard.  Forcing myself.  NO EXCUSES

Goals

For me, goal setting is very important.  When starting out at 282.5 pounds, losing ALL that weight was overwhelming and seemingly impossible.  So I made a bunch of goals.  There is a page somewhere on my blog with my former goals.

When I sat down to plan my re-start, I made new goals.  This morning I hit my first mini-goal.  Feeling pretty awesome.

I have also made a completion date.  I never gave myself an "I will be done by" date.  I think that was a missing element.  So the date is set, and I have a countdown ticker on my phone and I know how many days I have got to kick some fat.

Within that allotted time, I plan to lose 70 pounds to finally hit goal weight.  I have never been firm about my goal weight, but now I am.   When I did the math to figure out how much I have to lose each month until I get to that date, I was surprised.  It's not the 10 pounds per month that this perfectionist always tried to get. It's half that.

When I realized my goal is to lose 5-6 pounds a month, a huge weight lifted off my shoulders.  That just seems easier to obtain.  It gives room for life.  I like it.

Time to kick some fat!!

Food Scale

In the blink of an eye today, my food scale died.  I bought it less than a year ago.  Boom, dead.  As I measured out my lunch, I could barely see the numbers.  Then I went to tare it and it turned off.  Put new batteries in, nothing.

Panic!!!  I cannot live without a food scale.  So to Amazon I went (small-town living, I searched last fall and only found junk here).  I do not care about looks, I do not care about anything but accuracy.  And my scale was the most accurate food scale I had ever owned.  Ever.  And I've owned a few in my day.

I ordered the same, damned scale.  Horror.  Please work this time.  THIS time I will save the receipt/info and if it dies again, the company will get a letter from me!  Right now, though, I need accuracy.

I am down a half pound this morning.  Yay!   I'm shrinking, but it was nice to see the scale move.  Let's hope BOTH continue.

Tonight I am a little panicked about eating.  I will measure the old-fashioned way with measuring spoons.  It is not nearly as accurate--for me.  It is what it is.

LET NOTHING STAND IN THE WAY!!!

Calorie Burns

I keep looking back to the period of time when I lost over 40 pounds in only four months.  I worked my tail off.  Looking at my Fitbit records, I averaged above 40,000 steps a day and 3,000 or above for a calorie burn.

There's no way I can move that much now.  First, I don't have time. Second, I have issues with my feet. Third, I don't have the energy!  So the task at hand is to work out smart.

This coming week is the week of experimenting.  I have a list of workouts in DVD that I will do and check calorie burns.  Ranging from Ilaria, Cathe and even Christi Taylor, I will do them and log the burns.  Then, I will log burns on my treadmill.  I have interval and endurance programs I can do on it.  Also will check my burns for kettlebells and weight training both at the gym and at home.  I will do Alwyn Cosgrove's progression of 15 kettlebell swings then 15 burpees, then 14, then 13 down to one.  That's supposed to be a great burner.  I will modify the burpees and do them on a chair or lower stool, though.  I hate burpees, but no matter.

I will find what works.  I will make this happen.

I am not showing a loss from last week on my scale.  However, this morning I put on a pair of shorts that I bought at the beginning of the summer that were tight.  I can put both arms down the sides now.  They are just TOO BIG!  WOO-HOO.  I have been told I'm gaining muscle, losing fat the body is changing, even though the scale isn't.  Thing is, I want it both.  I want the muscle gain and the scale lower.  It will come.

This is a process.  I have to have the patience of Job to get through this and figure it out.  If my feet weren't wonky, it would be easy.  Instead, I must deal with the given circumstances.

I have a plan, and will stick to it.

Eating has been great.  I'm "in the groove" with that very well.

It's all good.  I LOVED those loose jean shorts.  Last week my capris were falling so much I kept pulling them up.  YES!!!

Moving forward, the week of tons of hard work and lots of experimenting is about to commence!

Never Give Up

It seems the older I get, the slower the weight comes off.

That's okay.  Not how anyone wants it, we all want it off yesterday, but steady progress in the right direction is okay.  My favorite quote of all time:

Don't let the fear of the time it will take to accomplish something stand in the way of your doing it. The time will pass anyway; we might just as well put that passing time to the best possible use. ~Earl Nightingale

It all adds up.

Down 1.5 for a total of 9.5 since my restart.

I think back to the time, not so long ago, that I lost over 40 pounds in four months.  I walked daily, a lot.  I averaged above 40,000 steps a day.  I cannot replicate that today due to the problems with my feet and time. I knew then that I had the luxury of time which most do not.  According to my fitbit, I averaged over 3,000 calories burnt daily.  I have not hit that yet since my restart.  I am continuously looking at ways to improve my calorie burn.  I've been averaging 2400-2600.  Amazing, that 500+/- makes a huge difference. I am so limited due to my foot issues, but that is no excuse to give up.

The bike I love at my gym I can no longer use.  It hurts my tailbone terribly.  Last night I rode my real bike, outside.  It never hurts my tailbone, but I do not enjoy riding in traffic at all.  Nor big hills.  I am wondering if a trainer and indoor usage would be a good solution.  Perhaps for winter.  Ellipticals hurt my knees and feet, both.  The recumbent bikes hurt my feet terribly.  So it's slow walking at an incline and the bike at my school gym.  Sad, it's an hour away and I don't get to use it daily.

I broke down and did a Richard Simmons video yesterday just for fun.  Love the music and energy, but alas the beginner-level workouts that he produces are just not enough for me to get a big calorie burn.  My heart rate only averaged 114.  That is not good enough.  It is not productive use of my time.

So, never give up--will continue to look for my sweet spot. It's all going in the right direction, just tweaking along the way!