My Last Post

That last post about my mom included lots of inner feelings that I just don't discuss with people. Of course there's lots more to it that I can't put up on the internet, sibling issues, problems, etc. It was enough to get my point across, though. And that point is that I hurt. Still.

That post actually had a lot to do with my weight loss journey.

The picture of me and mom? The one where I didn't put a big pink circle on my face? I was a bit chunky in that photo. That was my Freshman 15. (I'd love to be that chunky today!) I felt so miserably fat at that time. I was 20 when that was taken. I had always been a skinny girl, but when you quit walking to high school every day and start driving a car, (a Gremlin lol!) you gain.

I also included how I went from the 170s to the 220s within weeks after mom's death. My way of coping was every night after work: I stopped at Safeway and bought ice cream. I ate ice cream for supper every night for weeks, because it was the only thing that made me feel. It didn't make me feel better, but it tasted good, and that good was the only good thing in my life at the time. Or so I thought.

When dad died, I did okay. I was in the 260s. I didn't do the ice cream thing, the good thing in my life was my son. While I had a huge void from dad, I still had a beautiful son, which gave me good so I didn't need the ice cream. Then something happened, and I don't know what it was, but I felt my stomach growing. All of a sudden the weight at the top of my stomach made it difficult for me to breathe. I had gained. Again.

The whole point is this: I need to learn how to deal with my emotions rather than eating them. How do people handle this in a healthy manner? How can stress, sadness, mourning be accomplished in a healthy way. ? On the other hand, how can good times and celebrations be handled in a healthy manner?

I don't know the answer to that yet. I do know that I'm still missing, I'm still feeling orphaned and a little hollow, yet I'm eating well. Now I'm not perfect and I'm not a clean eater yet. I don't know that I will be for awhile. Yet I eat salads every day now. I eat fruit every day. I'm making gains--good gains. I still like recipes with cream soups. I have a friend who calls them cream of crap soups. I use the low-fat versions of those soups. I still eat a breakfast cookie now and again. I still eat a few processed foods. I'm okay with that for now.

It's a very fine line, and I am not at the point where I can eliminate. For me, that would mean being deprived, and that would set me up for failure. As time marches on, food choices get better and better. And while I want this weight off yesterday, while I want good health yesterday, every single day I'm one step closer: physically and mentally.

So the journey is going well. I know my limits. I am very introspective and know what I can and cannot handle. This is mostly mental.