Ghosts from the Past

Yesterday I mentioned Student Council and Honor Society. Neither thing was germane to what was talking about, I but wrote about them to push myself. I never acknowledge that part of my life. It's not like it comes up in conversation, but even in my own mind, I try to run from it.

The reason is pretty stupid, and yesterday was a great day of thought for me. I figured it all out.

When I finished high school, I wanted to go to UNC in Greeley to be a teacher. The thing was, my mom was ill. Very ill. She had heart disease, she had had breast cancer, she had gall bladder issues, she developed diabetes--you name it, she had it. I now know she also had mental issues. While my friends were all going off to dorms, establishing their independence, something I desperately longed for, I made the choice to stay at home to take care of mom. With that choice came community college as opposed to a "real school."

I received a full-tuition scholarship, and off I went. I had two part-time jobs, I was very active and pretty happy. I was the joiner, happily so. I joined student council the first year, and the second year I was elected president. I had no idea what I was doing. It was a learn-real-quick deal. I bumbled, embarrassed myself, but muddled through. Through that, I helped a member of the faculty start the honor society, Phi Theta Kappa--the honor society for community and junior colleges. So something good came of it.

When I was elected president, the newspaper interviewed me. The entire front page was about me. My picture and the interview. It wasn't bad. My mom sent a copy of that to my brother, and he ripped me to shreds. His words stripped away any confidence I had, made me feel like an idiot, and broke my heart. I never spoke about that again. I was embarrassed.

As an adult looking back on the situation, I'd like to smack that brother on the head several times. I look back to a young girl who was fearless. I wanted to make a difference in the world and I was doing that. I made mistakes, and I actually am embarrassed over some things I did, but by golly, I faced my fears and went for it. I learned on the way. I did it. I wish I would have seen that then.

When I finished the community college, I was going to move to Greeley. Nope, mom didn't want that. She wanted me to be a court reporter. She held purse strings, she held massive control over me, and so I did what she wanted. I had saved a bunch of money, and because I did what she wanted, she paid half my tuition, I paid the other half. I finished the 2-year program in 18 months. At 21 1/2, I finally moved away from home--400 miles away from home. Then my life really started.

No regrets, things worked out the way they should. But I look back to what should be happy memories and cringe. Now I realize that one should never, ever let someone else's opinion be more valuable than one's own.

Now I know my brother was jealous and was being mean. His character over the past 20years has shown -- well, that he has no character. He's a cruel person. He's miserable. Why on earth would I let someone take away from me like that? Why did I give him so much power?

Life's short. Trust yourself. Ask for advice from trusted friends, but the bottom line is we should always follow our own heart.

I think that was the first time that my confidence got stripped. I think that was the beginning of my negative thinking, my lack of confidence. I think that set me up for 20+ years of putting myself down in my own mind. I'm not good enough, I'm not smart enough, I have two stupid Associates Degrees and not a Bachelors, etc.

The buck stops here. No more. It's right to live in the moment, but I think sometimes we really need to look to our past to find answers. That was really a profound thinking therapy session for me. I learned I gave my power away.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. Bull. Words do hurt. The trick is to believe your own words, the words in your heart, not those of others. That is true power.


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I'm very proud I have two Associates Degrees and I had a very good education at my little community college! I've always known this, but could never acknowledge it. Now I can.

Two steps forward!