The Journey

This blog could be about Weight Watchers alone. It's a great program. It teaches one how to eat more healthfully. It could be full of recipes, tips and tricks.

There's just more to it than that, though. I love Weight Watchers--it works for me. What it doesn't do is teach why we got to the point we got to in the first place.

There's a reason a person gets to 282.5, and it isn't just because said person overeats. If I really want to beat this, win, and be truly healthy, I need to figure it out.

SeaShore left a comment about social anxiety and CBT therapy. (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.) Her comment struck me, resonated with me, and piqued my interest. I had just ordered a couple of books on CBT at the beginning of the year. I've been reading through them. There are no CB therapists near me as I live in a very small town in the middle of nowhere. Plus, I have gone to therapy three times in my life and I never got anything out of it. I think finding a good therapist is like finding a needle in a haystack. No offense to therapists out there--I think you need to click with the therapist and I've never been able to do that. They've never tried to help me move forward, which is what I want to do.

Social Anxiety. I think I probably have this. I do have an official diagnosis of generalized anxiety disorder. I recently had to go to an event with my son where there were going to be a lot of people. I didn't want to go, but we have to do things for our children. I slipped a Xanax before I left and I made it just fine. I never take Xanax unless I'm having a panic attack, but this exception really did help.

People make me nervous. I know they're nice, but I am terribly afraid of judgment. I judge myself harsher than anyone out there would probably judge me, but still I have that fear. Fear runs my life. Believe it or not, I do have a fear of being thin. I think that is why I did so great on Weight Watchers the last time only to end up gaining it back. I was afraid of the new body, afraid to be out of my norm, afraid to get attention, afraid of whatever. Pretty stupid, huh?

I'm a logical person, and I know all this fear is ridiculous. I know that--yet I allow myself to have it anyway. The books I ordered have helped a little bit, and I'm trying to talk myself through situations. Last night, after reading the comment, I spent some time at Amazon looking at social anxiety books. There are so many out there. Almost every title has the word shy in it. I am not shy. Is that weird? I'm not. I can be awkward and uncomfortable, but I'm not shy. I was as a kid, to the point I couldn't speak at times, but now I can speak to anyone. The thing is, I just don't always want to. (And this does make me lonely at times.) It makes me uncomfortable. I'm afraid of what they'll think of me.

So poking around Amazon, I found another book in which I ordered: Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway by Susan Jeffers. When I was reading through the preview, she mentioned the three levels of fear: Level 1, which she states is the surface story, things that happen and things that require action; Level 2 which are not situation orientated, rather they involve the state of mind and ego; and Level 3, "I can't handle it."

That hit me like a ton of bricks. As my massive panic attack started, the one that landed me in the hospital overnight, that was my very thought: "I can't handle this. No more, I can't do it." The truth is, I did handle it, just poorly. She says the first two levels of fear translate to I can't handle statements as well.

She then states: If you knew you could handle anything that came your way, what would you possibly have to fear? NOTHING.

That is what made me order the book. I cannot wait for its arrival so I can read it. It just hit me. We handle everything in life. There are just better ways of handling things. I handle stress and fear by eating or by having panic attacks. Or both.

Two steps forward. I woke up this morning thinking about that, and I must admit I was in a much more cheerful frame of mind--something that is rare, as I'm not a morning person.

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Still going gang busters with Weight Watchers, haven't gone over points yet. I need to plan menus for next week and hit the grocery store. Maybe, just maybe, I'll plan a day outing to the store. Maybe. lol