Anxiety

This is my 200th post. Sheesh, I'm yacky!

Anxiety hit me this morning. I was looking for the papers I wanted (IQ test and Educational Psychologist recommendations) and I came across letters from my son's first kindergarten teacher. It made my heart race, it made me angry and I just worked myself into a frenzy. She was an awful teacher. She used to write in a notebook every day and send it home in my son's backpack. He whined today, he peeled a crayon today an then broke it in half, he didn't listen during story time instead he picked rocks out of his shoes. Stuff like that...and he was 5 at the time, all normal 5-year-old behaviors. He was never a whiner, ever. (Well, he does now, but not when young.) He also was not a destructive child, and never once broke a crayon at home. He never broke any toys. He was an intent listener, although he fidgeted...to this day he does the same. She insisted he wasn't listening, but I asked her to have him re-tell the story the next day and she reluctantly relayed that he did. Halfway through the year my son was depressed and we demanded he be put into a different classroom. The principal didn't bat an eyelash, he just did it. And things got better for awhile. (And I will add his second K teacher, and 1st and 2nd great teachers were wonderful.)

That just set me off. I decided I don't need to take his IQ and the report, because they are so old. I can relay the information. I've been his teacher since 3rd grade, so I'm the one now with the current information that needs to be relayed.

About the time my husband was due for lunch, I started shaking bad. It's the anxiety. I shake on the inside and out, if that makes any sense. It came on fast and furious. I am nervous about discussing this tomorrow. I have never met this doctor, although she comes highly recommended from friends.

I broke down and took a Xanax.

Then I started working on my son's camp forms, which take two hours to fill out. And now here I sit ready to sleep due to the Xanax.

My son has worked on his math and science today and he'll do his practice tests later. I am going to take a nap because my body needs it. I am glad I have a well-stocked freezer, as I was able to pull a decent dinner option to thaw.

So I'll hit the store tonight. My list is done, I just need to go.

I hate this anxiety. I hate that I am not strong enough to overcome it on my own. It makes me feel weak. I do love the fact that I have a medication that can help me, though. I know how hard it must be on my body when I am having the shakes. I understand why I have the anxiety today. I just don't understand why I can't roll with the punches. I know logically it is stressful, but why I can't just accept that without these problems is beyond me.

I usually try to sit and do meditations before popping a pill. Sometimes it works, but today it didn't work.

Well, I'm on plan, have my dinner thawing so no room for failure today. I did not work out today, because I plan to walk the dog tonight. I did not exercise yesterday and wonder if that made a difference on the anxiety today. Exercising is such a good release of tension, releases the endorphins, and I wonder if that was a mistake. My calf muscles were hurting, so I thought I should rest. (That and I was in a very bad mood. lol)

Onward!